SALISBURY, Md. — Jim Perdue, the reclusive and quirky chairman of Perdue Farms, hid five golden tickets to tour his slaughterhouse in random chicken breasts throughout grocery stores nationwide, confirmed a company spokesperson that tried to talk him out of it.
“We’ve never opened up our factories to the public. So those lucky enough to uncover one of my golden tickets are in for a real treat,” exclaimed a top-hatted Perdue with a mischievous grin. “There’s the spondiferous boat ride upon Chicken Blood river, the lickable gristle wallpaper, the scrumdittilyumptious condemned meat pits, and for the big closer we’ve got the snozzegolabollator, which is our whimsical name for the scalding and defeathering chamber where the painful cries of the chickens are sure to drive you insane. Plus, every winner will receive a fresh satchel of salted chicken beaks every two weeks for the rest of their lives. Very high in zinc.”
Desiree Marshall, a single mother of two and one of the first people to find a golden ticket, described her reaction to the news as “mixed.”
“To be honest, I wasn’t even aware of the contest, I was just trying to make chicken with mac and cheese on the side for my kids. The idea of touring a slaughterhouse sounds like a nightmare, but I never win anything, so I guess that’s kind of neat,” said Marshall. “But what really surprised me was how my bed-ridden grandfather reacted to the news. He jumped to his feet for the first time in 23 years and even started dancing around the room. He’s so excited about visiting Perdue. Or at least he was up until when he contracted salmonella while singing into the raw chicken breast like it was a microphone.”
Some c-level executives at Perdue were not thrilled by the news.
“We spend millions to craft legislation that keeps people out of our factories. And Jim wants to throw all that away for a contest?” said Chief Operating Officer Zofia Ibarra. “I suppose the fizzy lifting room where we float chicken up into a giant, deadly ceiling fan is kind of cool, but it’s not fit for public viewing. And worst of all, there’s a rumor Jim’s considering signing over the entire company to one of the contest winners he deems worthy. I’ve worked my whole life at Perdue. But there’s no way in hell I’m going to start taking orders from a 13-year-old boy with a heart of gold or some shit.”
At press time, the FBI is weighing criminal charges against Perdue after the golden tickets were found to be coated in a highly poisonous chemical lacquer.