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Plus-size Mannequins Are Just Part of the Liberal Agenda To Get Me Hard at the Mall

I am constantly thinking about what sort of outlandishness the liberals will force upon us next. What else will their Godless minds twist and contort in an effort to normalize yet another sickening perversion? Their latest agenda is one without cause and, unsurprisingly, without heart. They’re trying to get me chubbed up at the mall, people. They want me hard while I strut innocently by an Athleta. And how could I not be? Just look at those plus-sized mannequins the liberals planted and posed so sexily.

Just look at ’em. Luring me in to buy affordable, yet durable, women’s sportswear. And it’s not just at Athleta. Clothing stores across the country are filled with these full-bodied, sexy pieces of plastic. This is all a sick ploy from the Democrats. They’ve deviously plotted this over time, specifically targeting me and my love for their plump, hot mannequins.

These curvy, clothes-modeling fixtures have been framed by the media as inclusive. It sets a healthier standard, they say. Well sure, women want to see an actual body represented but they absolutely do not want to see my body “represented” while they’re shopping for something to jog in. But you know who does? The liberal agenda.

Why would a round-bottomed ceramic bombshell even be in a department store display window if not to get me hard? What was wrong with the old mannequins? The thin, bald, dead-in-the-eyes ladies that scared me. They didn’t get me hard nearly as often. I wonder who the Democrats were trying to make horny when they made those.

These demonic elites need to answer for their manipulative, pants-adjusting tactics. Why are they gradually filling every clothing store with luscious, full-bodied ‘quins? Furthermore, why do they desire me rocking a stiffy at the mall? Until I receive a valid answer, I’m certain it’s the leftists continuing to undermine American values. This time in the form of tugging on my libido by plopping before me an arsenal of faceless curvy women in every American mall. Just teasing me. Playing with my mind and my body. Ohh yeah, this is so hot. Oh shit, gotta go. I think that mall cop is headed my way.