Punk Makes Uneasy Truce With Security Guy as Only Two People Left In Office Building Who Still Smoke

Posted on by James Knapp

SPOKANE, Wash. — Office punk Kory Strawser recently formed a tepid peace with the security guard at her day job when both came to the realization that they are the last two employees with ongoing nicotine addictions, sources considering going cold turkey confirmed.

“Man, I fucking hate cops. But I gotta admit, it’s a relief to know there’s always someone around in case I need to bum a Parliament on my afternoon break,” relented Strawser while checking if there were any half-smoked butts left in the ashtray. “Me and that security dude have been at odds since day one when he caught me trying to huff that aerosol duster he uses to clean his computer. So yeah, it’s kinda weird that now he’s borrowing my lighter and asking me if I have any plans this weekend. As if I’d actually tell him. He’s not even a real cop.”

Senior Security Officer Ron Powilinoski described how the truce eventually came to be.

“The world I grew up in is dead. Now it’s like you can’t smoke anywhere anymore. I drank at the same bar every night for forty years until it got bought up by those yuppies who took all the ashtrays off the pool table,” bemoaned a horribly aged Powilinoski. “Now there ain’t nobody else around except this jerkass kid.”

“Suppose it ain’t all bad though,” Powilinoski continued. “She did tell me about this one music band called ‘Dead Kennedys’ and, as someone who has killed both Nazis and hippies, I like the cut of those boys’ jib.”

Office manager DeAnna Krandal detailed the company’s smoking policy.

“We strive to provide a clean and distraction-free work environment for all our employees. If any employees still choose to smoke then they can do it on their own time behind the dumpsters of the Sheridan Hotel next door,” Krandal said. “Frankly, I’d prefer to just fire both of those smokers. I only hired Strawser because I accidentally hit her with my car and this was cheaper than settling in court — and that security guy is like a year away from retirement and you better believe I’m not gonna follow through on that pension I promised him. I swear, I never thought he’d live this long.”

At press time, Strawser came to the sudden realization that Powilinoski bears a striking resemblance to another security guy who confiscated her skateboard three years ago.

5 Romantic Ideas for Revitalizing Your Relationship With the Babadook

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

As Damon Albarn once sang, love is the greatest thing. But there comes a time in any relationship when you have to admit that things have stagnated. Stall. Dull. But fortunately, any relationship gone dry can be kicked back into beautiful wetness with just a few romantic gestures!

If your relationship with the taloned, horrific monster known as The Babadook is on the rocks, here’s a few ideas to get that spark back!

1: Try cooking together! While many couples can come to see cooking as a chore that has to be passive-aggressively pushed back and forth until someone caves and orders Papa John’s, it can actually be a beautiful bonding activity! The warmth of the kitchen, the scent of the pecorino that The Babadook freshly grates for his special spaghetti carbonara, the sensuality of dining! Electricity!

2. Take the day off and just spend time with each other without expectations! We’ve all planned an outing with a significant other and seen it collapse under the pressure of having an Instagram-ready weekend at the coast. Instead of loading yourself up with expectations, try calling into work and just enjoy time with The Babadook. Stay in bed. Watch your favorite shows. Be with each other!

3. Pick out new matching top hats! Some people think couples in coordinating outfits are tacky, but not us! There’s nothing cuter than a person and their jagged, spiky-haired manifestation of parental guilt in matching duds, so get out there and spend an afternoon picking out new top hats! Adorable!

4. Terrify a family together! Sure, it may be The Babadook’s thing, but sometimes a couple can get that precious feeling back by combining interests. Rather than spend a weekend just shopping or yard work, try finding, say, a recent divorcee who can’t connect emotionally with their withdrawn child and just scare the fuck out of them!

5. Experiment with opening things up to other monsters! Okay, common wisdom is that only couples who are very secure and strong should explore opening relationships, rather than a collapsing pair of lovers trying to find any kind of shared experience. But fuck that! Have a three-way with the thing from Malignant! Try a soft-swap with Frankenstein AND Frankenstein’s Monster! Get weird!

When you feel comfortable seeing your beloved Babadook getting railed five ways from Sunday, that’s how you know you’ve put the spark back into things!

Angels & Airwaves Drummer Survives Yet Another Argument About Adding ‘& Aliens’ to Band Name

Posted on by Matt McInerney

SAN DIEGO — Tempers flared earlier this week as drummer Ilan Rubin and frontman Tom DeLonge went for another round on an argument that has plagued the band from day one, sources close to the band report.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this again. We let Tom write a whole album about aliens this time. The fact that we got him to name it ‘Lifeforms’ and not just ‘Aliens’ is a miracle. And yet here we are, having the aliens-should-be-in-the-band-name fight again,” a frustrated Rubin explained. “Is he honestly concerned people don’t get that he’s into aliens? We used to be able to hold him at bay. But ever since the Pentagon declassified his UFO videos he’s been doing a nonstop victory lap.”

Jerry “Allen” Pike, their trusted merch guy, has seen this heated debate before.

“I can see both sides. Tom’s got a point. He has been selected as the Rosetta Stone between humans and extraterrestrial beings. That’s a lot of responsibility. It’s like… how is anyone supposed to find out if you don’t start a band about it? But on the other hand, we’d have to reprint a lot of merch if we changed the name,” he said, as he anxiously peeked over his shoulder at a mountain of boxes. “I was with them back in the Atticus days. People think that’s a ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ reference, but not at all. Tom wanted to name that ‘Aliens’ too. It’s just a compromise. He just digs names like Aliens. Wait, is that why he keeps calling me Allen?”

Old bandmate, Mark Hoppus, was not surprised by the news at all.

“Let me guess, he wants to do another Alien thing?” Hoppus said after a long sigh. “Look, this is the guy who made Joe Rogan look like the sane one on that podcast. He launched the alien company, he writes alien screenplays, he’s making an alien documentary. He’s either gonna give this band an alien name or he’s going to start a new alien band.”

At the time of press, DeLonge could be seen wandering around San Diego with a stack of ‘& Aliens’ posters and a bucket of wheat paste.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia. 

White House Details Plan to Vaccinate Kids So They Can One Day Pay Off Parents’ Student Loans

Posted on by Dianne Nora

WASHINGTON — The Biden administration revealed details of their plan to vaccinate five to 11-year-olds in the coming weeks to ensure that these children will survive long enough to pay off their parents’ student loans.

“As a dad myself, nothing is more important than our nation’s children, and I want to give each and every American child the opportunity to be saddled with debt for the rest of their very long lives,” President Joseph R. Biden said, growing emotional as he addressed members of the press outside the Rose Garden. “I’m determined to create a bipartisan effort to get these shots in kids’ arms, so our little ones can start dreaming up the ways they’ll attempt to pay off these loans, and maybe even take on some escalating debt of their own someday.”

Despite the President’s calls for unity, the administration faces critics across the aisle and even within the ranks of its own party.

“The President does not intend to let anything get in the way of his plan to keep every American student from defaulting,” Press Secretary Jen Psaki said, addressing potential obstacles to the plan. “I’d invite anyone who opposes our plans to vaccinate America’s children to take a long hard look into the eyes of an international banker or Sallie Mae executive, and see the tears well up as they imagine a world in which they won’t be able to keep their beach homes in Turks and Caicos because we lost too many young lives to preventable death.”

Economists say the administration’s plans to use local pediatricians rather than mass vaccination sites could prevent the federal government from any unnecessary spending on children’s health.

“Constructing large centers to administer vaccines to children would require a lot of federal funding and oversight,” explained Harvey Somerholder, an analyst with the Congressional Budget Office. “That’s money that could be going toward corporate tax breaks, or even foreign wars. Do we really want to be dedicating money toward kids here, who already have so much, when there are helpless children we could be droning abroad? That’s not the American way.”

At press time, Psaki added that the plans for child vaccination would also help the next generation live to one day rebuild the country after the impending climate disaster.

Report: Copies of Zine Still Available

Posted on by Danny Taverner

NORFOLK — A recent report found that copies of the photo zine, Put It All On Red, are still available despite initial claims 18 months ago that the print run would sell out in a matter of minutes.

“We were originally only going to print like 50 copies but I accidentally added another zero when I sent the files to the printer,” said publisher of the zine, Dean Weems. “I tried lowering the price, offering bulk pricing, I even signed a couple copies, but it didn’t boost sales at all. We didn’t even come close to getting rid of the original 50, so this is really just a huge fuck up on my part. I really need this issue to sell because I was planning on financing the next two issues with the profits.”

The zine, which features 35mm photographs from Weems’ family vacation to Atlantic City, has had very little success selling on his web store. However, a recent zine fair where Weems rented a table has helped move some of his product.

“The only reason I bought a copy was because Dean had a stack of singles and I needed change for a $20 to catch the bus home,” said John Boosie. “I haven’t really checked it out yet. He gave me four copies for the price of one. This paper is pretty glossy so I might use a few of them as coasters in my new apartment.”

Despite the small increase in sales at the zine fair, the project has proved to be a money pit for investors.

“I told him I’d give him $100 if he cleaned out the garage, and he kept going on and on about needing money for some book he’s making,” said Weems’ mother and the zine’s key investor, Cindy Weems, who was furious to see what her money had gotten her. “Then he had the nerve to ask for $300 more and didn’t even offer me a free copy. He made me pay $10 for blurry photos of me and my husband at the craps table.”

A box of zines thought to have been sold was found in the trunk of Weems’ 2003 Volkswagen Jetta, bringing the total number of copies available to 473.

Masked Woman at Concert Relieved She Doesn’t Have to Pretend to Know The Words

Posted on by Heather Cook

NEW YORK — Masked poser Cecilia Munoz was relieved she didn’t have to pretend to know the words at a recent Turnstile show last Thursday evening.

“It’s such a relief that I don’t have to try and impress the people around me by pretending to know the words to these songs,” said Munoz as she made her way out of a circle pit. “Before wearing masks, I perfected the art of pretending to mouth along to the lyrics by just sort of opening and closing my mouth like when a fish lets out air or whatever. But now, all I have to do is sort of lightly bounce up and down to let people assume I know the words. It opens up a whole world of bands I can pretend to know the words to. I honestly don’t think I’ll go to a show without one ever again.”

“Plus, the mask doesn’t just protect me from being found out, it keeps those around me safe from guys insisting that I list a band’s early stuff,” she added.

Munoz’s girlfriend, Ember Hyland, is not easily fooled by Munoz’s masked cover up.

“Even with the mask on it’s obvious to me that she’s not actually singing along,” said Hyland. “I’m standing right next to her at the show so I can hear that she’s just mumbling nonsense under her mask. But she wears one of those super fluffy N95 masks so I guess there’s really no way of knowing for sure.”

Event organizer Trish Moreau reported an increasing number of posers infiltrating shows in recent months.

“Hardly anyone is even singing along anymore,” said Moreau. “Last night someone in a Ben Folds Five T-shirt jumped on the stage at Candy to crowd surf. You think that guy is an actual fan? No way. But we’ll never have a way of knowing if he was actually singing the words to ‘Human Target’ since his mask was on. It’s a huge win for the posers but makes for an eerily quiet concert.”

At press time, reporters urged Munoz to stop mumbling when they asked her whether she was singing along to the songs or not, but she just kept pretending to answer the question.

You Kids Wanna See a Better Dead Body?

Posted on by James Knapp

Hey there, little fellas. Remember me? Creaky Jed who lives in a stump by the abandoned post office? I’ve been watching you and I know you’ve been poking at that dead body on the top of the water tower. And yeah, I guess that corpse is cool and all. If you’re into mediocre corpses, I guess. I just wanted to let you know that I know about an even better, more obscure corpse that you’ve probably never even heard of.

You really gotta see this thing. If it ever was human at one point you sure wouldn’t be able to tell that now. The first time I saw it I thought it was an old duffel bag filled with ravioli and mop heads. And that was before the raccoons got at it. Oh boy, did they do a number on what used to be that guy’s face.

Oh, and the blood is just everywhere. I’m talking all over the walls. On the ceiling. Hell, I have some in my shoe right now. It’s insane! Regular dead bodies don’t have nearly this much blood. It’s like somebody shived the Kool-Aid man and then jumped up and down on him. What happens when you poke this dead guy? Nothing. Well, poking the dead guy I know about is like a gory chicken kiev.

And this body definitely died an unimaginably brutal death. I’m not sure what kind of Texas chainsaw mafia would want someone to die like that but it’s pretty clear that this corpse suffered for a long time. And here’s the best part: I’m not even sure it’s all the way dead!

I mean, it’s definitely not alive in any conventional sense. But when you look at it sometimes you get this weird feeling it’s looking back at you. Not with eyes. No, those are long gone.

So what do you say, kids? Wanna go check out the Mona Lisa of corpses? It’s just over in that abandoned garage that always has a bunch of stray dogs nosing around it. By the way, none of your parents are cops, right?

Nardwuar Surprises Artist with Knife In Between Their Third and Fourth Ribs

Posted on by Camden Brazile

VANCOUVER, British Columbia — Popular internet personality and self-described “human serviette” Nardwuar shocked artist Josh Augustin of the indie band Vansire with an incredibly personal and astonishing present: a knife in between his third and forth ribs.

“I was totally blind-sided. I had no idea he was going to do that,” Augustin said from the Intensive Care Unit at Ontario National Hospital. “He clearly did his research if he knew that I was weak to being stabbed in the abdomen. I have no idea how he knew that! I knew Nardwuar learns a lot about an artist’s likes and strengths, so it only makes sense that he learns all of their fears and weaknesses too. When I cried out asking him why he did this, he just replied ‘you’re Josh Augustin, we have to.’ While I’m impressed with his interviewing skills, I’m just worried that he’ll come back and finish what he started.”

The Human Serviette gave his side of the controversial story.

“I really love to get to know my victims, I mean interviewees,” Nardwuar said. “Every once and a while I have to mix things up. People have begun to expect that I give them esoteric vinyl records or unique posters and CDs, but nobody expects me to rupture their lungs and leave them choking on their own blood until they pass out on the pavement. Based on my intense research I did on the human body, I knew that stabbing him there would kill him. Little does he know, that knife played an integral role in the life of one of his favorite Canadian musicians. I even let him keep the knife!”

Ontario Police Chief Bill Perlman weighed in on the situation.

“We’ve been looking for this Nardwuar character for some time, but he keeps evading us,” Chief Perlman said. “He’s done so much research about our department that he knows exactly where we’re going to be. For those of us that do manage to track him down, he recites the names and locations of our family members, loved ones, grade four teachers, and a personal anecdote or two about what we like to order at Spaghetti Factory and we’re forced to back off.”

At press time, Augustin’s last recorded words were an enthusiastic yet quickly fading “Doot doo.”

Photo courtesy of Wikipedia.

Opinion: If You Don’t Appreciate Elvis Costello on the Same Level as Me, I Can’t Go On Being Your Waiter

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Listen, we both know there’s a…distance between us. I’ve felt it, and I’m sure you have too. We’re growing further apart every moment and we need to talk. Just so I’m clear, that distance is your lack of understanding that Armed Forces is not just the highlight of Elvis Costello’s early career, but the highlight of his career, period. If you can’t get that, I can’t go on being your server at this Chili’s.

This isn’t easy for me, either. Since you walked in this Chili’s around 7pm and the hostess Jenna directed you to my section, even though I’ve been in the weeds since happy hour and that Terry’s section is nearly empty, you’ve been my table. It’s been our table. But when I look at you, I find it difficult to get past the fact that you seem to think 1981’s covers album Almost Blue was a creative misstep rather than a re-framing of American country music in a contemporary setting. It’s just really hard.

How’s that margarita treating you? Everybody good?

We used to be close. Remember? When you made that joke about finding your Southern Smokehouse Burger just past the french fries on your plate? Remember how I rattled off all the options on our classic “3 for $10” special and you all nodded and said that “sounds good,” even though that means nothing? Remember how “Pump It Up” came on the restaurant sound system and you almost knew the words? Those were good times.

But the simple fact of things is that the course of the evening here at Chili’s has shown me that you aren’t real Elvis Costello fans. You seem to know nothing of the intricacies of his collaborations with legendary songwriter Burt Bacharach. You have that blank stare when I described the tense, even combative relationship Elvis had with his longtime backing band, the Attractions. That stare is how I know you’re not really paying attention to me. Or to Elvis Costello. Or to what it means to dine at a Chili’s.

It’s just starting to feel a little one-sided. I went ahead and got you that extra ranch for your fries, but have you named a single deep cut from “Blood and Chocolate?” No, you haven’t, and “I Want You”… to show a little more effort.

I don’t want this to end. We had a good thing going, but you need to get your act together and behave as though you know something about the chameleon-like British singer-songwriter’s legendary career, for once in this whole evening.

Now, who’s got room for dessert?

Man Only Believes News He Made Up

Posted on by Ken Taro

DETROIT – Local skeptic and conspiracy theorist Todd Griffin went on a multi-platform social media tirade and declared he has had enough with biased media sources and will only trust himself from now on, biased media sources confirmed.

“I hear so much bullshit everywhere that I have to take things into my own hands,” huffed Griffin. “My gut is never wrong. Just the other day, the Weather Channel said there would be a 55 percent chance of rain. But I knew it would stay dry and just be sort of cloudy. Lo and behold, I was right. How can I trust the so-called ‘experts’ when they prove me wrong time after time. Now, I’ve had to take things into my own hands. I’m done with it all. No more news anchors trying to scare me. It’s time for me to start scaring myself. I don’t have any proof that Antifa is the reason my wife left me, but it’s what I choose to believe and maybe the mainstream media will start covering that.”

Griffin’s mother Alina claimed that her son has always had difficulty believing anyone, including his parents.

“When I told him that Santa wasn’t real, he cried and screamed that he would have to do his own ‘research’ to dig up the truth,” sighed Alice. “Even with the facts staring him right in the face, he refused to accept them. That was the first time I heard him call something a conspiracy. To prove to him that Santa wasn’t real, we stayed up all Christmas Eve with our eyes each focused on the fireplace. The only thing that came down the chimney that night was a squirrel trying to stay warm. Todd told me that Santa didn’t show because the Soviets shot down his sleigh somewhere over Siberia and they were working on a cover up now. He still brings it up.”

Dr. Diego Lopez, a professor of communications at Eastern Vermont State University, has an upcoming book that discusses this phenomenon.

“There is an epidemic of what I call Fake News Syndrome,” explained Dr. Lopez. “Despite studies continually proving the neutrality of media outlets such as the Associated Press and Reuters, there are so many people who only get their news from Facebook memes. I thought tabloid rags such as the National Enquirer were bad until I saw a Facebook group called Pattriot News Network with more than 1.2 million followers. And that is not a typo. It was actually Pattriot. Their top story claimed that men who ate sushi would become mermaids and have to eat their own penises.”

At press time, Griffin urged readers to skip this article, or any articles anywhere for that matter, and read the ‘real news’ at his website www.toddgriffinisthetruth.com instead.