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“Gentle White Noise Sleep Sounds (5 Hours)” Named Woman’s Top Spotify Song of the Year

KALAMAZOO, Mich. — Local punk Abigail Burton was forced to confront the ways her listening habits reflect her deeply pathetic personal life after a white noise sound topped her 2021 Top Song in Spotify.

“I listened to a lot of music this year while I was commuting, and also just hanging out around the house,” Burton said, visibly perturbed. “So seeing that the white noise I use to just zone out and stare into space when things start to get too heavy outweighed all of that just kind of puts things in perspective about what the hell I’m even doing. Is this my life?”

Burton’s friends, who were eagerly sharing their own statistics, seemed worried at Burton’s reluctance to put her own results out there.

“It just makes you wonder what she’s hiding, you know?” said friend Charlene Cook. “If I’m willing to let the world know that Machine Gun Kelly was in my top five this year, then what kind of dark shit doesn’t she want the rest of us to know? I know it sounds cynical, but if you don’t have anything to be ashamed of, then why aren’t you just coming clean? It makes me nervous that her top podcast was Cum Town or something.”

When asked what she might do differently next year to avoid a crisis like this, Burton seemed nervous but hopeful.

“As soon as I saw my list, I went online and bought a white noise machine,” Burton said. “That way, I can get the benefits without having any recorded proof of it, and won’t be faced with the fact that this is just apparently the way my brain works now and what I need to function. It just sucks, because you want to hop on and join in and share with everyone else, but there’s just no way in hell I’m putting myself out there like that. All I can do is just try to hide my habits so this doesn’t happen again, because I’m not willing or able to change them.”

According to sources, other songs in Burton’s top five included “Deep Healing Energy 528Hz Ancient Frequency for Healing, and a guided meditation for children laid over soothing ocean noises.