PHILADELPHIA — Local punk Brian Hedges figured he’s still got a good 10 years to continually disappoint his parents with his life choices, his friends, family, employers, and doctors confirmed.
“I’m no spring chicken anymore, but ol’ Bri’s still got some moves that’ll have my parents avoiding eye contact with the neighbors for at least another eight years, 10 if I get health insurance,” Hedges said. “I may be too old to drop out of school again, but Christmas is coming up and I haven’t been found passed out naked in their hedges in years, so that’s still definitely an option. Plus, my dad is flying back home from a work trip next week and asked me to pick him up, so I can definitely forget to do that and hit up this Pink Floyd laser thing at the planetarium that night instead.”
“Sometimes it feels hard to keep the magic alive after all these years, but you just have to get a little creative at my age,” he added.
Parents Drew and Audrey Hedges want to be proud of their only son, but at this point they’re not holding their breath.
“He’s just so fucking dense,” said Mr. Hedges. “He’s on the wrong side of 30 and he’s still hanging out with kids half his age. Maybe I’d understand if he was actually in a band, but he’s just moshing without a shirt and bumming cigs in the parking lot at Denny’s. We always pushed him to be his best self, but we don’t have unrealistic expectations either.”
Local family counselor Shane Braxton says that disharmony in relationships often comes from lack of communication.
“A lot of these matters can be resolved by simply laying your expectations out on the table. If Drew is feeling grief over his son’s behavior, a simple ‘for fuck’s sake Brian, create a different username on HULU if you’re going to be watching the hardcore stuff,’ could go a long way,” he explained. “It’s not that Brian doesn’t listen, it’s just that he’s a 38-year-old who abused way too many inhalants when he was 17. It takes a little more effort to get through to him.”
At press time, Hedges was seen trying to initiate a game of slap dick with an undercover bicycle cop.