RIVERSIDE, Calif. — Local woman Missy Frazier is sick of being the only one of her roommates with enough common decency to steal toilet paper for the house, according to the divided home.
“It’s an issue of maturity,” said Frazier, stuffing four rolls of toilet paper into her backpack from a dive bar bathroom. “I get that we’re all busy, but how hard is it to stop at the market on your way home from work, grab an eight pack of Charmin Ultra Strong and walk out like you own the place? It doesn’t even have to be a luxury brand. I’ll settle for a jumbo wheel of one-ply lifted from the bus stop, or even a stack of C-folds from a restaurant bathroom. It’s the effort that matters.”
Since moving into the shared space three years ago, Frazier has noticed a consistent toilet paper shortage, leading some of her roommates to become resourceful.
“We’re out of toilet paper?” asked Stacey Gunn, wiping her ass with a stack of cheap napkins that came with her to-go order of pad see ew. “I didn’t even notice. Missy thinks she’s god’s gift to apartments because once every few weeks, she brings home a couple of rolls of low-quality toilet paper from the gas station. I wouldn’t wipe my dog’s ass with that stuff. Maybe she should focus less on the toilet paper and more on the dishes she’s been ‘letting soak’ in the sink for two months.”
The growing rift in the house has led Frazier to launch a futile tirade of passive-aggressive attacks against her roommates.
“I walked into the bathroom, and there was a roll of paper sitting on top of the closed toilet seat as a ‘fuck you,’” said tenant Zach Greenwald. “I can tell she stole it from that shithole bar around the corner because it smells like someone deep-fried it in old cooking oil and let a bunch of cats pee on it. I have three emergency rolls of Cottonelle under my bed. I don’t need her charity.”
At press time, Frazier was seen begrudgingly stealing a line of all-natural cleaning products for the house from Whole Foods.