How To Get Laid Even Though You Cover Your Ears When an Ambulance Goes By

Posted on by Dom Turek

Sex is one of life’s most satisfying natural pleasures and the ultimate expression of physical intimacy. It is a cornerstone of the human experience. So why should you miss out on it just because you drop to the ground and cover your ears anytime an ambulance goes by? Fortunately, we’re here to help erase the stigma and get your sensory-sensitive ass laid.

First off, can we all simply agree that ambulances are loud? And at a whopping 120 decibels, which is loud enough to cause permanent damage to someone’s hearing, one begins to wonder if this life-saving service is even worth it. I understand that EMS is just doing their job, but does saving people have to be so loud?

If not wanting to be slowly driven insane by noise-induced tinnitus makes us unfuckable, then I guess we’re unfuckable. I just don’t get what’s so libido crushing about a grown man who gets the ouchies from the sounds of everyday traffic, and neither should the world or your date.

I can’t tell you how many dates have ended abruptly after the noise of a passing ambulance or subway car forces me to jam my fingers in my ears and yell “la-la-la!” Oh, but when I start telling you all the twists in Squid Game and you do the exact same thing, I’m still the bad guy who goes home to sleep alone.

However, there will come a time when the desire to get laid supersedes the desire to hear. This is when I stock up on commercial earplugs, fleece headbands, snug-fitting hats, bike helmets, and anything else that offers some padding to the ears and leaves you hands-free to unhook some brassieres.

You’d think wearing earmuffs and a bandana at the same time would detract from your sex appeal—and it does—just not as much as needing my date to tell me when the scary noises have passed and it’s safe for me to un-fetal my body.

Strutting down the street in a motorcycle helmet will transform you into the cool and caustic bad boy all women want while also canceling out 40 percent of noise emissions. She’ll be none the wiser as long as you manage to dodge any questions about motorcycles, which should be easy considering you won’t be able to hear a word she’s saying.

Report: This is the Good Part, Shut Up, Shut Up

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — A report recently issued by the Library of Congress has stated that this right here is the good part of the song, shut up, shut up, you’re talking over it.

“After three years of exhaustive research,” Dr. Alan Takanawa, lead researcher on the project, stated at a press conference while also cranking up the volume. “We’ve conclusively determined that this is the part of the song where it gets really fucking good, so everybody just shut up for a second and listen. Damn, can you hear that? That fucking gets us going every time, even in double-blind studies.”

“Fuck yeah,” Dr. Takanawa added while closing his eyes and nodding.

However, the report is not without critics. Professor Jennifer Hisler of MIT had a firm rebuttal.

“I respect Dr. Takanawa and his team, as well as the effort that went into the report on this jam — that part was technically fine, and not bad, but it just didn’t really do it for us,” Professor Hisler said. “Their conclusions are objectively incorrect and, I would dare say, show multiple signs of implicit bias. Like did they not hear this other part of the song? This is where it really fucking breaks down. When we were doing our own study, we could barely believe how hard this other part rocks. Shut up, this part right now.”

Teddy Potsko, a longtime fan of the song and the scientific method in general, believes that both Dr. Takanawa and Professor Hisler were missing the point.

“The fact is, science is an ever-evolving series of conclusions,” Potsko said while hitting a bong in preparation for the song. “One set of data might lead you to one part of the song, while results accumulated from another set of circumstances and contexts would lead to a completely different one. In many ways, for all of our attempts to quantify what is the good part, we’re all blind men in a valley of darkness, trying to describe colors to each other. Anyway, check out this part, it fucking rocks. The whole thing fucking rocks, man.”

As of press time, dammit, shut up, go back, back, listen to that double bass pedal action, man.

Facebook User Posits Vaccine that Killed Colin Powell Also Gave Him Cancer, Made Him 84

Posted on by Dianne Nora

TALLAHASSEE — Vocal critic of vaccine mandates Isaac Fischer took to Facebook this morning to posit that the COVID vaccine that killed Colin Powell had also likely given Powell cancer and made him 84 years of age, according to sources who saw Fischer’s post.

“This is exactly what the fascist, pharma-loving socialists want the vaccines to do to conservatives,” Fischer wrote, reportedly logging onto the social media site from his phone while simultaneously conducting independent research on Reddit and pooping. “Last time I checked, Colin Powell was healthy and in his 60s, maybe early 70s. How could he be in the military if he’s allegedly old and sick? Suddenly he’s 84, has cancer, and the ‘rona? If this is what the vaccine can do to someone as healthy as him, I don’t even want to know what it could do to a normal guy like me.”

Friends who share Fischer’s political inclination reportedly commented on his post in enthusiastic agreement.

“I thought the vaccine would just basically do nothing, since famous people who’ve gotten it keep getting these breakthrough cases, but now I think maybe it’s actually designed to make strong men into these pussy beta-cucks,” commented Justin Arellano, a former colleague of Fischer’s. “I mean, think about it: Colin Powell’s like this badass army General, and suddenly he dies of COVID, and voted against Trump? It’s clear the government is putting something in the vaccine to make alphas so weak that they rely on these government handouts [sic]. Nicki Minaj tried to warn us!”

Fox News anchor John Roberts also took to social media to cite Powell’s death as evidence of the vaccines’ lack of efficacy.

“The fact that Colin Powell died from a breakthrough COVID infection raises new concerns about how effective vaccines are long-term,” Roberts tweeted, leading to immediate criticism from medical experts. “These Democrats that want to control your body and force you to get a vaccine will say that Powell’s death may have been more likely due to his cancer or his advanced age, but Americans know that to really keep their families safe from COVID, the best thing they can do is to tune into Fox News every night. I’m no fancy doctor, but I’d go so far as to say it’s safest to just leave Fox News on all day.”

At press time, Fischer had posted on Facebook again, inquiring if any of his friends had some horse dewormer he could buy in case of emergency.

Kid Catches Up on The Sopranos by Watching Italian Friend’s Parents Fight

Posted on by Jonah Nink

TOMS RIVER, N.J. — Middle-schooler Gavin Dirnt caught up on the beloved HBO series “The Sopranos” by watching his Italian friend’s parents fight over the proper thickness of deli meat, entertainment sources reported.

“My mom age-locked everything not in the HBO Max kids section so I can’t watch ‘The Sopranos’ and that’s a bummer because I’ve really wanted to watch that new movie,” said Dirnt. “Luckily my Italian friend Ronnie’s parents get into a huge fight every time they drive us home from soccer practice. From what I’ve seen, Italian people screaming at each other makes up about 90% of the show, so everyday this week I’ve just parked myself on their plastic-lined couch under the picture of Padre Pio and listened to them duke it out. Ronnie’s parents don’t even notice me, and my parents couldn’t care less so long as I get my homework done.”

Dirnt’s friend Ronnie Sprigatello had never realized how closely his family resembled “The Sopranos” cast until Dirnt pointed it out.

“At first I told Gavin to just borrow our ‘Sopranos’ DVD box set. We’re Italian so of course we have like, three already,” said Sprigatello. “But instead he comes to my house with a notepad and a bag of goldfish crackers and studies my parents as they fight over baked ziti, track suits, and slicked back hair. Then there’s all of my extended family that come in and out of my house to yell at my mom and call my dad fat. My family isn’t in the mob, but it is a weird coincidence that I’ve got like eight cousins named Vito.”

Sprigatello’s father and family patriarch Tommy Sprigatello has yet to notice Dirnt watching him.

“Gavin’s a good kid, I wish he’d come over more, unlike that rat bastard 10-year old from next door Donnie,” said Sprigatello. “Have I seen ‘The Sopranos?’ Of course I have, but It’s not realistic. They’re all fucking hysterics. Every episode it’s bitch bitch bitch. Do the writers think all Italians are just whiny calzones with legs? Besides, my therapist wouldn’t talk to me like that.”

Dirnt returned the favor by letting Sprigatello catch up on “True Detective” by watching his cop dad get day drunk.

Body Positive Anaconda Still Wants Some Even if You Don’t Got Buns, Hun

Posted on by John Danek

PENSACOLA, Fla. — Snake trainer Trevor Bloch raises his anacondas and other snakes to not judge potential mates by physical appearance but rather the contents of their personality, skeptical acquaintances report.

“Anacondas are routinely slandered in the media, and these depictions of snakes who only value the fattest of asses couldn’t be further from the truth,” declared Bloch, who became a devoted snake guy after the tumultuous end of a romantic relationship. “My eldest anaconda, Bertram, absolutely does not judge women by ass or titty size. He likes big racks, small racks, love handles, or skinny chicks. Stretch marks? The more the better. Or not? So how dare you judge Bertram before you even get to know him?”

Bertram the anaconda has become something of an activist in recent years, inspired by the success of Nicki Minaj’s “Anaconda” which heavily samples Sir Mix-a-Lot’s earlier “Baby Got Back.”

“These songs have created endless prejudices against anacondas for decades. People with anything smaller than 36-inch hips refuse to even come near me anymore because they assume I will judge and reject them,” said a dejected Bertram, who will publish a book of sonnets in 2022. “I just want to love. I’m a romantic at heart! I don’t care if you got buns, hun. I do care that you are a deep thinker, a lover. And yes, we will have mind-blowing sex. But it’s not dependent on your bodily attributes. It would help if the other person was open to some impact play, though.”

Rapper Sir Mix-a-Lot takes responsibility for establishing the stereotype that anacondas will pay no heed to a female unless she satisfies an unrealistic standard of beauty.

“A lot of people think I was talking about my penis in that line — first of all, that’s disgusting,” explained Sir Mix-a-Lot. “But what can I say? My pet anaconda Reggie (may he rest in peace) was just wired that way. I write truths about what I see in life. I think it’s silly to ignore basic biology that the anaconda brain gravitates towards certain visual shapes in the opposite sex. In the event that you put a male anaconda in an environment with a female anaconda who has an itty bitty waist, they do in fact get sprung. It’s just nature.”

Bertram the anaconda found himself embroiled in further controversy after snapping several pictures of petite women he wanted to get with.

Body Positive Anaconda Still Wants Some Even if You Don’t Got Buns, Hun

Posted on by John Danek

PENSACOLA, Fla. — Snake trainer Trevor Bloch raises his anacondas and other snakes to not judge potential mates by physical appearance but rather the contents of their personality, skeptical acquaintances report.

“Anacondas are routinely slandered in the media, and these depictions of snakes who only value the fattest of asses couldn’t be further from the truth,” declared Bloch, who became a devoted snake guy after the tumultuous end of a romantic relationship. “My eldest anaconda, Bertram, absolutely does not judge women by ass or titty size. He likes big racks, small racks, love handles, or skinny chicks. Stretch marks? The more the better. Or not? So how dare you judge Bertram before you even get to know him?”

Bertram the anaconda has become something of an activist in recent years, inspired by the success of Nicki Minaj’s “Anaconda” which heavily samples Sir Mix-a-Lot’s earlier “Baby Got Back.”

“These songs have created endless prejudices against anacondas for decades. People with anything smaller than 36-inch hips refuse to even come near me anymore because they assume I will judge and reject them,” said a dejected Bertram, who will publish a book of sonnets in 2022. “I just want to love. I’m a romantic at heart! I don’t care if you got buns, hun. I do care that you are a deep thinker, a lover. And yes, we will have mind-blowing sex. But it’s not dependent on your bodily attributes. It would help if the other person was open to some impact play, though.”

Rapper Sir Mix-a-Lot takes responsibility for establishing the stereotype that anacondas will pay no heed to a female unless she satisfies an unrealistic standard of beauty.

“A lot of people think I was talking about my penis in that line — first of all, that’s disgusting,” explained Sir Mix-a-Lot. “But what can I say? My pet anaconda Reggie (may he rest in peace) was just wired that way. I write truths about what I see in life. I think it’s silly to ignore basic biology that the anaconda brain gravitates towards certain visual shapes in the opposite sex. In the event that you put a male anaconda in an environment with a female anaconda who has an itty bitty waist, they do in fact get sprung. It’s just nature.”

Bertram the anaconda found himself embroiled in further controversy after snapping several pictures of petite women he wanted to get with.

If Pretending To Be Authentic While Exploiting a Community for My Own Personal Interests Makes Me a “Poser” Then I Guess I Misunderstood the Meaning of the Word

Posted on by James Knapp

So I’m a “poser,” am I? Why? Oh, I get it. Just because I’ve never been to a concert that wasn’t sponsored by the Ford Explorer, I’m a big ol’ poser in your eyes. Or maybe it’s because my aesthetic, political beliefs, and entertainment preferences are entirely based on fitting in with a subculture that I think I can exploit. Well, if that makes me a “poser” then I clearly misunderstood the word.

And here I thought punk was about being your true, authentic self. Well, my authentic self is a rapidly changing identity based on what will net me the most material gain and social clout. Sorry for being me, I guess.

What does “poser” even mean anyway? When people started calling me that, I thought they were complimenting my incredible selfie game. But considering how often people untag themselves when I post them, now I see that is clearly not the case. Plus, how can I be a poser when I barely try. I’ve never even gotten close to one of those big things where you all slam into each other. What’s it called? The mush pot? I don’t know, man. It looks pretty dirty to me and this leather blazer cost two grand. No thank you.

If it’s some sort of insult then I gotta tell you it’s not very effective. One time an investment banker implied that I was only upper-middle class. Now that was insulting. Little did he know I was just about to buy out his whole company and fire his day-job-needing ass immediately. Oh what, is that something a “poser” would do? It is? Well then I still don’t get it.

Whatever, it doesn’t bother me. Shit, I bet I know more about punk than you. I’ve listened to every Fall Out Boy song that’s ever shown up on my Machine Gun Kelly Spotify radio. I even saw Green Day in person. Granted it was when they were getting off the elevator at the Ritz Carlton, but I’m sure nothing would impress a gatekeeper like you.

All this poser talk is just confusing me more and now I’ve kind of lost interest. Either that or I never cared in the first place. It’s hard to tell. I guess if being a poser means only being into punk because I think it might get me rich or laid then I guess we’ll never truly know the meaning of the word.

Musical Comedy Duo Divided on Whether to Rip Off Flight of the Conchords or Tenacious D

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

PHOENIX — The musical comedy duo of Mitch Warner and Danny Morales, tentatively named “Sax and Violins” or possibly “Fingering A Minor,” are bitterly fighting over whether their band should rip off Flight of the Conchords or Tenacious D.

“There comes a time in all artists’ lives when they must decide just whom they should plagiarize. I definitely have the vocal chops to sing like Jack Black, no matter what anyone says. So I’m leaning towards the D. Plus, Dan could stand to gain 30 or so pounds,” explained Warner. “Apparently he’d rather we bite the deadpan style of Brett and Jemaine. But there’s already five white guy acoustic guitar duos at our local open mic aping Flight of the Conchords, and only four imitating Tenacious D. So I think the choice is obvious.”

Tension within the band has led to several public fights, as witnessed by other local comedians.

“Mitch and Dan both have wildly different ideas for the direction for their band, so their songs run the gamut of boisterous, heavy metal-flavored dick jokes and silly white boy raps or David Bowie pastiches,” said local comic Bayley Singleton. “Don’t get me wrong, I understand carefully choosing your influences. But their songs ‘Alfred the Bigoted Sea Monster’ and ‘Wondrous Man’ are way to close to the originals. Might be time to retain a lawyer. I suggested that they broaden their horizons and rip off Garfunkel and Oates but apparently they don’t get ‘girl humor,’ whatever the fuck that means.”

Unfortunately, creative differences between Warner and Morales resulted in the band breaking up. While some were disappointed, others, like comedy club doorman Jimmy Delgado, were relieved.

“I was really glad to hear they broke up. Are there seriously no original ideas anymore? It’s like how Greta Van Fleet completely ripped off Led Zeppelin. Zeppelin on the other hand were true originals,” said Delgado. “Aside from all those African American blues and rock artists they ripped off, and all those plagiarism lawsuits Led Zeppelin had to deal with, of course. But that’s different.”

Following the band’s break up, Warner and Morales are now fighting over which one of them gets to rip off Bo Burnham.

Photos courtesy of Wikimedia. 

Straight Edge Man Beats the Shit Out of Father for Cooking With Wine

Posted on by Brandon Morland

OMAHA, Neb. — Local straight edge man Hal Pemulis was arrested and booked into Douglas County Department of Corrections after kicking his fathers ass for adding wine to a pasta dish he was preparing for a family dinner, hungry and horrified sources confirmed.

“I expect this sort of shit from a dumb jock at a kegger, but not your own flesh and blood,” said Pemulis while carving Xs into the walls of his cell. “I can’t count how many times I’ve told him I’m poison free and that my mind needs to stay clear. He just doesn’t respect me. Like when I graduated he offered me a cigar or the time he tried to get me to toast champagne at his anniversary party. We only recently started talking again and he goes and pulls this shit. This prick can’t even go one dinner without dousing his food with booze, fucking alcoholic is lucky my sisters pulled me off of him.”

The patriarch of the family, James Pemulis, was reportedly adding the finishing touches to a dish of braised beef with red wine and cranberry when the attack happened.

“I just forgot. It’s been so long since he was over for a Sunday dinner. I wanted to make it special so I found a nice recipe from the internet,” said the father of three while recovering in a nearby hospital. “I figured it would be fine because the alcohol burns off, but he just started screaming and calling me a degenerate. He kept saying something about a ‘Firestorm’ then pulled a cue ball out of his pocket and started hitting me with it. I don’t know but if he thinks I’m helping with his rent anymore he might actually be on drugs.”

Local straight edge scene elder Adrian Villalobos notes that family is often the hardest to come to terms with the drug-free lifestyle.

“It’s tough, man. Your parents can have this preconceived notion about who you are and when you take the oath they can’t handle that you’re now better than them. It’s almost a rite of passage to have some mix-ups with your family. Hell, I’ve had three different physical altercations with my grandma,” explained Villalobos, vocalist of militant straight edge band Thousand Year Edge. “If you aren’t willing to beat a family member to death for disrespecting your beliefs then you can’t call yourself straight edge.”

Pemulis is currently being held in solitary confinement after viciously attacking a cellmate he assumed was making Pruno in the cell toilet.

Straight Edge Punk Definitely Getting Screwed Over When Friends Split The Bill

Posted on by Heather Cook

PHILADELPHIA — Straight edge punk Marieka Layton is definitely getting screwed over at this tapas restaurant when her friends decide they’re going to split a $326 dinner and drinks bill evenly.

“I just know I’m going to get strong-armed into splitting the cost of everyone’s stupid ‘Instagram worthy’ cocktails even though I’ve only been pounding water all night,” said Layton while looking at the check in absolute horror. “First off, I didn’t even touch anyone’s tapas. I wouldn’t be caught dead eating expensive mini versions of food. Secondly, if this is anything like the last time we went out, my friends aren’t even going to ask me if I’m cool with splitting the bill. They’ll just take the credit card from my wallet while I’m in the bathroom. Next thing you know, I’m in debt because Levi ordered nine margaritas again.”

Those close to Layton are reportedly fed-up with her resistance to splitting the check.

“We get that she’s based her life around never having fun, but we invited her so she should be so lucky to split our bill,” said friend from college, Wesley Reed. “If we have to listen to her drone on about some no-name hardcore band from the ‘80s, then the least she can do is respectfully make our night easier by splitting the tab. Isn’t being straight edge all about unity and brotherhood or some shit? What’s more unifying than paying for my eighteen-dollar Long Island Iced Tea.”

Dr. Andre Martinez, a consumer researcher at MIT, has found that more and more straight edge punks are getting stiffed into splitting the bill by the minute.

“We did a behavioral research study across the United States and, according to our numbers, eighty two percent of straight edge punks get peer pressured into splitting the check on a bi-weekly basis,” said Martinez. “For most of our test subjects, they’d rather just suffer the consequences of splitting the bill instead of awkwardly reminding everyone that they don’t drink. Nobody wants to be that guy who makes it complicated, or looks cheap. So, we’re encouraging our test subjects to make better friends whose entire personality isn’t happy hour or boozy brunches.”

At press time, when questioned about the future of this issue, Layton revealed that she’s certain she’s going to get swindled into paying for an endless stream of White Claws at an upcoming Friendsgiving dinner.