Opinion: Straight Edge is the Only Vaccine I Need

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

The vaccine debate isn’t going anywhere. Thankfully, I’ve never had to participate in any of it because my lifelong commitment to a poison-free lifestyle is way more effective against COVID than any bullshit vaccine on the market. Pfizer, Moderna, Johnson & Johnson all pale in comparison to the straight edge.

Big Pharma has been pushing their drugs on society for far too long, and I won’t give in to their peer pressure campaign. These Xs on my hands mean I’ll never let some medical intern turn me into a vaccine junkie in some tent in a parking lot. I took an oath when I was 13 years old and I can never turn my back on that. Even if all my friends already have, and even if there are no real-world repercussions to breaking edge.

I know you might have your doubts about my claims, but you’re most likely an alcoholic moron puffing on your 40th Newport of the day, and I don’t have time to get into a debate with you. So here are some facts that I feel are true.

•If everyone was straight edge drunk driving fatalities would go to zero overnight.

•Not a single straight edge person died of an opioid overdose this year.

•Listening to “Firestorm” on repeat completely repels COVID, the divebombs are played at a frequency that obliterates the virus

•The straight edge lifestyle has “social distancing” built into the structure of it all. You can’t infect someone if they never wanted to hang out with you in the first place.

I feel sorry for people who need to stick a needle in their arm just to make it through a pandemic. It’s a crutch, and it’s pathetic. Besides, straight edge people are far more productive. When you don’t have a hangover you can get so much more done. When you aren’t invited to parties you have so much more time to work on your zine. The fact that you don’t have any friends left leaves your schedule wide open to learn things like woodworking, or making soap at home.

Look, I’ll be real with you. I come from a family of addicts. Taking the vaccine could lead me down a slippery slope of vaccine addictions. It starts with COVID, then suddenly I’m knocking off a pediatrician for doses of the MMR vaccine. That’s not the life I want to lead. My choice is clear. Straight edge forever. It’s the best defense in the world.

Straight Edge Guy On Death Bed Regrets Not Knocking More Beers Out of People’s Hands

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

BOSTON — A local straight edge man battling cancer admitted his biggest regret in life was how infrequently he knocked alcoholic drinks out of unsuspecting people’s hands at bars or parties, X’d up sources confirmed.

“When I look back on my life I have a lot of great memories. I moshed a lot, I cut a lot of camo pants into shorts, and I can’t tell you how many times I just sat around with the boys doing absolutely nothing. Those were some of the best days of my life,” said 32-year-old Danny Sullivan. “But if I could do it all again I’d make sure I carved out more time to knock beers onto the floor. Too often I would just let people drink and mind their own business, and I hate myself for that. I should have forced my beliefs onto them more and then tried to fight them.”

Friends of Sullivan say he is being way too hard on himself and should be at peace with his decisions.

“I know where Danny is coming from. We all wish we could go back in time and slash the tires of a Budweiser truck so it couldn’t deliver its poison, but for every beer he didn’t slap there was a pack of cigarettes he crushed, or a joint he smacked into the gutter,” said fellow straight edge friend Matt Finch. “This just makes me want to be twice as militant in his honor. Not only will I smack beers out of hands, but I’ll also smack every coffee I see. Caffeine is one of the most abused drugs there is, look it up.”

Sullivan’s doctors were hopeful about their treatment plan for the young man, but were immediately stonewalled when presenting him with options.

“His cancer is very treatable. I suggest a non-invasive treatment that included some pills which have a great rate of success and he punched my clipboard across the room, grabbed me by my jacket and told me if I ever push drugs on him again I’ll have to get used to swallowing my teeth,” said lead oncologist Donovan Klein. “Everyone has a unique way of coping with a diagnosis like this, but I’ve never had someone physically assault me and then give me a 45-minute lecture on ‘conviction.’”

Sullivan’s last will and testament stipulates that if his dead body is treated with formaldehyde he will be waiting in the next life with a pool cue to beat the shit out of everyone who allowed it to happen.

13 Surprisingly Dark Moments in Children’s Movies

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

While they may have been intended for children, that didn’t stop these movies from veering into nightmare fuel. Here are 13 surprisingly dark moments in children’s movies.

The Pink Elephants, Dumbo

Imagine this – you’re 4-years-old watching a hilarious tale of a baby elephant ripped away from its mother, when suddenly those sick fucks at Disney have the gall to insert this scene implying that getting drunk is horrifying instead of totally awesome.

Charlie Bucket’s Grandfather Commits Disability Fraud, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

In a movie full of WTF moments, perhaps the most shocking is witnessing ultimate leech to society Grandpa Joe’s elaborate scheme to lay in bed and collect disability checks while his daughter and grandson support his goldbrickin’ ass.

When the Donkeys are Transformed Back into Humans, Pinocchio
pinocchio donkey

Every one remembers the orphan boys being turned into donkeys. But you likely blocked out the equally traumatizing moment when the donkeys are turned back into boys, particularly their screams of “No! Not sentience again! I was happy as a thoughtless beasts” and “consciousness is a curse!”

Large Marge, Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure

large marge pee wees big adventure

Uhhhh, excuse me? “Large” Marge?? How was that nickname ever ok?? Claymation ghost trucker or not, fat-shaming is NEVER acceptable.

When the Rat Catcher Fucked All Those Rats, Ratatouille

ratatouille

Sure, the character’s first line in the film is, “I am rat catcher. I fornicate with rats. This is what will happen and I do not control it.” But even still, it is pretty shocking to see it happen in act three after Remi made the big food or whatever.

Flying Monkeys, The Wizard of Oz

flying monkeys wizard of oz

Legend has it the studio worked with a cabal of Nazi scientists to surgically remove the wings of Adean condors and graft them onto the spinal columns of trained actor monkeys. Fun fact: The wings were not functional, so that scene of the monkeys “flying” away from the witch’s balcony was actually them falling to their deaths.

David Bowie’s Massive Hog, Labyrinth

david bowie Labyrinth

A recent Reuters poll found that 87% of Millennials attribute their first ever “fear boner” to the sight of Bowie’s undulating groin in “Labyrinth.” Truly petrifying.

That Sleepover When Your Dog Peed on Scott’s Personal Pan Pizza And Your Mom Told You You Can’t Play Call of Duty, The Spongebob SquarePants Movie

spongebob squarepants movie

Who could forget the classic “Shell City” scene where Scott out of nowhere starts yelling about how you owe him 6 bucks because your Pomeranian tinkled on his personal meat lover’s even though you warned him Dolly might mark the pizza if he leaves it on the floor?

Literally Every Piece of Children’s Entertainment from England

watership down

To quote the effervescent Oscar Wilde, England is a “stupidely bad hellhole of ugly people that also talk stupid.” While perhaps not his wittiest quote, it certainly applies to unintentionally macabre children’s entertainment like “Watership Down” and “Teletubbies.” This would also explain why midwestern parents in the US frequently threaten to send their misbehaving children to pick elderberries in Yorkforshire.

The Horrors of Socialism, Rugrats in Paris

rugrats in paris

The “Rugrats” are on the big screen and galavanting around the City of Lights. But the babies’ misadventures take a turn for the red after Chucky shatters his arm and has to “visit the hostabull.” Chucky and his widower father are forced to wait hours for care, watching as Band-aids and ointment are evenly distributed among all patients. The scariest part of all? they never even received a bill for the cast!

The Post-Credit Scene of Champ Getting His Anal Glands Expressed, Homeward Bound

homeward bound

While it is crucial to periodically milk canine anal glands, star Michael J. Fox refused to promote the movie unless the producers kept this post-credit scene of rascally bulldog “Chance” absolutely hosing a veterinary technician in butt juice.

That Scene of My Parents Making Love, The Goonies (TBS Version)

The first forty minutes or so of the VHS tape found under my parent’s bed labeled “The Goonies, TBS” is a rip-roaring, swashbuckling adventure. But then the action is interrupted by a seemingly unrelated scene of my parents having sex. Besides the uncomfortableness of watching my nude parents locked in carnal embrace, the odd segment somehow gets more awkward when dad accuses mom of “not taking it seriously enough,” before the movie mercifully returns to One-Eyed WIlly’s ship.

Studios Trying to Fend Off IATSE Strike Offer Interns 50% Raise in Valuable Experience

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — The International Alliance of Theatrical Stage Employees are preparing to strike to combat wildly unfair and unsafe working conditions which prompted film studios to raise the amount of valuable experience offered to interns and low-level workers by as much as fifty percent.

“This strike threat has really opened our eyes to the hardships our workers endure and made us take a hard look at the human side of movie making,” said Carol Lombardini, president of the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers. “Any executive in Hollywood knows that money isn’t everything, so in lieu of pay raises and more reasonable work hours we are prepared to increase the amount of experience our valuable PAs receive. This will give even the lowest level workers the ability to make up to 120 experience a week. I wish I had this same sort of opportunity when I was climbing the ladder, you simply can’t put a price tag on the privilege of working in this wonderful industry.”

IATSE representatives across the country admit to being insulted by the offer.

“My rent is $1,500 a month and last I checked my landlord still doesn’t accept ‘experience’ as a payment. She wants cash or a check, and even though I’m working 90 hours a week I’m still barely able to afford to live in this town,” said veteran grip Chris Stand. “A fifty percent raise in imaginary value isn’t going to help me. My kids are almost through high school, and I barely have enough industry exposure saved to pay for their first year of college.”

The AMPTP has yet to make any official offer to address union concerns, which also include extremely long hours, but sources say the AMPTP is considering solutions internally.

“Some are trying to unfairly paint us producers as elitist or out-of-touch, but we make every effort to consider the needs of the common worker,” said Cecily Van Grieff, an AMPTP executive, speaking through her full-sensory VR headset from her platinum yacht floating in a secret sixth ocean. “And while we understand that long hours may be taxing, we need workers to do their part to be rested and present, like using their private helicopters to cut down on commute time or their anti-gravity sleep chambers to optimize sleep.”

If a deal is not struck, the strike will commence on Monday, assuming tired IATSE members still have the use of all their muscles to hold up picket signs.

Jason Voorhees Bullied Out Of Florida Summer Camp For Wearing Mask

Posted on by Kevin Tit

CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE, Fla. — Cultural Icon and noted serial killer Jason Voorhees was reportedly bullied out of infamous Florida summer camp Camp Crystal Lake for wearing a mask, multiple unvaccinated campers confirmed.

“So, there I was unhooking the bra of the new smoking hot counselor when I noticed some seven-foot tall liberal hipster cuck in a mask standing behind some trees about six feet away,” said camp director Donnie Sengstack. “I was like ‘What’s up, bro? Quit hiding and take off your damn mask, pussy. We’re in the fucking woods,’ and he started crying and backing away. That’s when I really started trying to get in his face about how the pandemic is a false flag, he’s being manipulated by the government, and that vaccine mandates are the definition of fascism. Before I knew it he had vanished.”

Those closest to Voorhees say the murderer was extremely distressed by the entire encounter.

“Those people are the real monsters. Just filthy inconsiderate animals and fornicators unfit to live in civil society,” said the psychotic killer’s mother, Pamela Voorhees. “I’ve never seen Jason so visibly upset before. My boy actually put the mask on because of bullying in the first place. Now people are telling him to take it off? He has a pre-existing condition that leaves him extremely vulnerable to the virus. How is he supposed to go out there and kill safely if all his victims are just going to ignore CDC guidelines? I’m not going to let my son go out there and get sick.”

Following Voorhees’ premature departure, numerous staff and campers were reported to have lost their lives at the camp.

“I’ve been doing this job a long time and honestly, I’m surprised this camp is still operating,” said local coroner, Deonte Smith. “People have been dying here for well over thirty years now but this is the first time there wasn’t an absolute bloodbath of dismembered bodies scattered all over the grounds. Looks like everybody here died of complications related to the pandemic. Which, in all honesty, is much easier to deal with in my profession. Way less of a mess than dealing with an entire digestive system hanging out somebody’s torso, but also way more preventable. Get the vaccine and you are far less likely to be hospitalized, I’m not sure who or what was butchering the campers in years prior.”

At press time, Voorhees was seen volunteering his time encouraging his community to get vaccinated.

Annual Migration Patterns Sees Acoustic Musicians Returning to Cabins to Finish Albums

Posted on by Matt McInerney

SALEM, Ore. — Droves of musicians unable to finish career-defining albums due to the distractions of modern life have begun their annual migration north to seek inspiration in remote cabins, multiple musician gazing groups confirmed.

“It’s the cornerstone of my writing process,” said Benjamin Lawrence, a Charleston-based folk artist. “Life can be so hectic. You try to sit down and write your magnum opus, but your phone is buzzing, your PlayStation 5 is humming, and the faded Polaroid of a woman you once loved so many summers ago sits on your desk, haunting you. I just need to disappear from my life and find solace. I throw all of my snuggly flannels and jackets in a duffle, tell my roommates I won’t be able to pay rent for three months, and head towards my late grandfather’s log cabin home. I do it every year. At this point I don’t even use Google Maps, I’m just drawn to it.”

Blaine Pascoe Walcot, a local middle-school teacher, was out for a walk along River Road when he spotted a flock of rare Barn Daniels that just happened to be migrating through the area.

“I’ve heard about it for years but never seen it myself, until now. I was out on a stroll when suddenly an entire swarm of Subarus, packed to the brim with guitar cases and Moleskin notebooks, fluttered by me in a rush,” said Walcot as he wrapped his long toes over the front of his Birkenstocks. “It was wild. It was as if I was seeing double or triple. These soft-handed lumberjacks were everywhere.”

Lachlan Tory Applebot, biologist and author of ‘Field Guide to Singer/Songwriters of North America’, has been studying these patterns for years.

“Ah yes, the Northwestern Bearded Samuel, the Southeastern Flannelated Nathaniel, they tend to prefer their full scientific name, these are all subsets of this folksy bunch. The most common reason for bird migration tends to be a change in a food source, but for this group, it is often due to inspiration sources,” said Applebot. “A successful fall writing season is crucial for a good winter release and a solid summer touring schedule.”

This current migration closely follows the Goth migration season, who trek toward nordic climates during hot weather to avoid heatstroke or outfit changes.

If I’m Such a Horrible Husband Why Have I Been Married So Many Times?

Posted on by Dom Turek

Some people are so bad at marriage, they only do it once, but that’s just not my style. Even as a little boy I knew I wanted to grow up and fulfill my role as protector and semi-faithful husband to a handful of unsuspecting women, just like my dad.

It seemed only natural to get married and raise a house full of half-blooded siblings who barely resembled one another, yet all seemed to inherit my penchant for violence. Being a good husband has always been of the utmost importance to me, and I feel very lucky that I have had so many chances to do it over the years. That being said, I can’t believe my wife just served me divorce papers.

Being faced with another failed relationship has forced me to take a long hard look in the mirror and ask myself why I keep picking such horrible stupid women to marry. If I’m such a “lying cheating piece of shit,” explain to me why seven other women said “I do” on our wedding day, despite fervent objections from their friends and families. I’ll wait.

For the thousandth time, that was not a hickey. I had a mishap with a vacuum cleaner at the car wash and it suctioned onto my neck. Do you have any idea what a 25 horsepower vacuum motor can do once it latches onto a person’s throat? I’m lucky to be alive. Oh, that’s the worst lie you’ve ever heard? You sound just like my ex-ex-ex-ex-wife.

The worst part is that she got our court date scheduled for the middle of June, the peak of wedding season. She knows damned well I’m probably going to be busy with my next marriage by then!

I’m the first to admit I’m not perfect. Maybe I gamble a little too much or drink a little too often, but that’s what men do, which is why everyone I know has a perfectly healthy relationship with their father. Before you go calling me a “verbally abusive control freak” or an “impotent shell of my former self,” just remember the love we shared and all those times I almost made you come.

Metal Band Only Playing Venues With Chain Wallet Mandates

Posted on by Cory Cousins

ALTOONA, Pa. — Local metal band, Reluctant Cannibal, announced they will exclusively perform at venues that mandate the donning of chain wallets for every patron, drawing lines among the metal community.

“We realize that this is a deeply polarizing issue in today’s society, but sometimes you just have to stand up for what is right,” declared Reluctant Cannibal vocalist, James “Bloodlicker” Diaz. “Sure, we might lose some fans and performing opportunities because of this decision, but we are looking at the big picture here. One-hundred percent chain wallet compliance at shows increases metal output, and thereby enjoyment, by tenfold. This has been proven by science, look it up.”

Some in the local metal scene were not immediately swayed by the proclamation from the divisive band.

“I heard about this from one of my friends, but I just thought they were joking. It’s not a joke?” asked baffled metalhead, Sydney Larsen. “Sure, I support anyone who chooses to wear a chain wallet as an accessory to their metal show ensemble, but mandating it seems like authoritarianism at best and poser behavior at worst. Maybe they should concentrate on not sucking. Because that seems like a more pressing issue.”

Bookers at local music venues seemed caught off guard regarding the recent news from the largely unknown metal group.

“I’m pretty sure that none of the other venues in town require customers to wear chain wallets. That’s possibly the lamest thing I’ve ever heard,” mused Dial ‘M’ For Metal venue promoter, Tommy Bibbins. “I think we got Reluctant Cannibal to fill in once as the opening spot on a five-band bill, when three other bands declined. I kind of wish we would have cut our losses and went with a four-band bill. Ironically, one of the guitarists, who was sporting an unusually long chain wallet, was walking backstage and got his chain snagged in the power source of the PA system, causing a small fire and ultimately stopping the show for a full hour. They haven’t been asked back.”

Following a string of rejections from local clubs, Reluctant Cannibal has loosened their original discriminating stance to a more flexible outlook, which includes playing literally any venue that will hire them.

In Hindsight, I Regret Hiring This Pedal Pub as a Getaway Vehicle

Posted on by James Knapp

It really did seem like a good idea at the time. Admittedly I had had a few daiquiris then, so maybe my judgment was a bit blurred. But looking back now, while awaiting trial for armed robbery, I realize that a party tour pedal pub was not the wisest choice of getaway vehicle.

Don’t get me wrong, it was still a lot of fun. And had the circumstances been different I absolutely would have hired it again. But as a facilitator of a daytime bank heist it had some slight drawbacks.

For one, not a lot of storage space. I had to leave half my haul behind after those girls refused to make room behind the bar for it.

And that’s another thing. I didn’t realize that sometimes multiple groups can hire the same tour, so I ended up sharing the entire getaway with a bachelorette party from Hoboken. They were the most conspicuous thing I’ve ever seen, although I do wish Jenn and her ex-husband all the best on their vow renewal.

The biggest drawback had to be that pedal pubs are unreasonably slow-moving, which I initially thought might help me blend in after the robbery and let me just kinda Keyser Soze my way outta there. Turns out I wasn’t hiding in plain sight so much as I was being a bank robber in plain sight.

What it actually did was let the cops in pursuit follow at a leisurely pace for six blocks before they were finally able to stop laughing at me long enough to actually make the arrest. Then afterward they left me in the car while they had a drink with the bridesmaids. They really were sweet girls.

So yeah, I guess a pedal pub was a bad idea – but, you live and learn. When I try this next time, in about 3 to 5 years time, I’ll have ironed out some more details and picked a better means to make my escape.

On an unrelated note, does anyone know if a pedicab would be able to outrun a cop on horseback? Just asking.

Goth Girl Opposes Prison Abolition for Fear That the Serial Killer She Wrote Letters to Will Actually Want to Hang Out

Posted on by Robert Vetter

LOS ANGELES — Local goth Ophelia Hall recently began advocating for harsher prison sentences amid calls for justice reform, especially for the serial killer at San Quentin Prison she’s been corresponding with through love letters, sources close to the situation confirmed.

“The fact of the matter is some people should stay locked up. It should go without saying that the serial killers I may have written a few love letters to should stay in jail. Fuck, I sent these guys recent photos, they know what I look like, don’t let them out ever,” said Hall, a part-time Hot Topic cashier. “Now that this issue is gaining more traction, there is a very real possibility that he will be released and try to hang out with me. Whatever happened to an eye for an eye, or in his case the many eyes of those he serial murdered.”

Her prison pen pal feels differently about the issue, though, and continues to annoy guards outside his cell with love songs and Shakespearean sonnets in anticipation of his in-person courtship.

“My love for the beloved Ophelia has given me something to look forward to every day I’m in here. Her kind words make me want to be a better man, and the loose strands of hair that fall into the envelopes her letters come in make me feel like my blood is on fire. I’ve almost collected enough to stuff my pillow,” said Jonathan “The Park Ranger Ripper” Carter. “And our correspondences have helped my case for my rehabilitation. The tender exchange of our words has brought new evidence to my case that I’m a loving misunderstood soul. Now people see me as so much more than that guy who stuffed those Yosemite park rangers into bear proof trash cans. Allegedly.”

According to criminal psychologist Alma Gomez, it’s a pretty common occurrence for goths to write letters to dangerous individuals.

“There’s a cathartic appeal to writing letters to murderers. It allows people with an interest in the macabre to fantasize about it, and it’s a much healthier hobby than the other popular goth hobby of making home taxidermy with roadkill they find on the street,” said Gomez. “But it’s important that this stay in the realm of fantasy and nothing more because they can’t get into a romantic relationship with a serial killer or they will end up in 25 different trash bags dumped off the side of the highway.”

The Park Ranger Ripper is reportedly using his paid phone minutes to try to book wedding venues and rent a tuxedo.