Kyle Gordon Stanley, Author at HARDTIMES

Report: Still Unclear Why Pretty Much Everything Wouldn’t Remain on Zoom or Just Not Happen At All

Posted on November 8, 2021 by The Hard Times Staff

MONTGOMERY, Ala. — Countless sources from around the world are reportedly still unsure why anything is going back to happening in person and why anyone is even bothering doing anything at all at this point.

“Having just about everything in life move to a remote space was pretty weird and hard at first, but I got used to it relatively quickly,” said full-time student and part-time marketing assistant, Barat Reddy. “Now, things are pretty much back to in-person all the time, and I just don’t see the point of that, or really anything, for that matter. Why commute to work to ignore my manager’s emails when I can just ignore them from home in half the time? I’m thinking about everyone’s efficiency here.”

People’s preferences for staying home to conduct business over telecommunications platforms like Zoom are no longer limited to just work matters.

“I attended a Zoom wedding last July, which was kind of weird at first. After realizing I could just have the wedding playing in the background while I watched ‘Tiger King’ and then Venmo the couple $40 in lieu of a real gift, I don’t think I can ever go back,” said Milwaukee resident with his camera off, Dwayne Daniels. “Plus, the groom’s brother still got shitfaced and started sharing Vegas pics from the bachelor party in the chat that definitely no one was ever supposed to see, so it was basically exactly like going to a real wedding, minus the tux rental fee and time it takes to gel my hair down.”

Social isolation experts confirmed the people on Earth came to a general consensus that if anything is going to have the audacity to happen, it should be accessible via a link or not occur at all.

“It was hard enough for many people to find the motivation to put on shoes and pants with no drawstring before the pandemic, and since just about everything moved online, it’s been difficult to imagine going back,” said local 41-year-old who just had his meds adjusted again, Frank Meyer. “That compounded with the fact that the world is literally burning and our dollar is going to be worthless soon just makes it that much harder to convince anyone to take time out of their lives to attend a baby shower in person.”

At press time, Reddy was politely pretending to consider attending a standing room only show with a friend before abandoning it to get back to compulsively scroll through TikTok.

1,001 Albums You Must Hear Before I Fucking Kill You

Posted on November 8, 2021 by John Danek

First things first, have a seat! Ha! Little joke I like to make to people I hogtie to my wondrous collection of barber chairs. I’m not your run-of-the-mill serial killer. I like to have fun and appreciate the arts while I follow the commands of the voices. And this time, I’m in a music mood.

Here are 1,001 albums that will play in this concrete bunker before I end your life. We absolutely have to start with the essentials. I’m talking about The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Bob Dylan, and Ashlee Simpson. We’ll tackle their entire discographies but I loathe repeats so we’ll skip any greatest hits compilations. B-sides and demos are fair play though. I know, I know, there’s no reason to yell about it. Seriously, stop screaming. No one can hear you down here. Anyways, b-sides can provide some seriously deep insight into the evolution of an artist.

Once we get through the standards, we enter my favorite part of the collection — obscure gems that I think are under-appreciated. I’m talking extremely limited krautrock vinyl, Seattle grunge bands who never signed to majors, music inspired by My Little Pony, and others. This is stuff Pitchfork WISH they knew about. They’ll rue the day they never responded to my unsolicited 10/10 review of Radiohead’s Pablo Honey. It’s their masterwork and appears no less than 7 times in this 1,001 album list.

After that comes everyone’s favorite music for working and studying- soundtracks! Most of my soundtracks are royalty-free loops and recordings used for corporate presentations, which are so underrated. It’ll make you long for your cubicle job where I lured you into my furniture truck. But no, I will kill you first.

Before we hit the final stretch, I like to play a little goof on my victims in the form of rapper Lil B’s entire discography. 61 albums, mixtapes, and EPs. I still can’t decide if he’s some misunderstood genius or just looney.

And for the final 34 albums you must hear before I fucking gut you? Why, the music of yours truly! Not many people know this but before I became a prolific and evasive serial killer, I dabbled in early 2010’s chillwave bedroom dreampop. Trust me- once you hit my Greatest Motherfucker Alive EP, you’ll be ready for me to fucking kill you.

Touring Band Spins Mythical Yarn of Small Town Scene that “Went Absolute Apeshit” on Recent Tour

Posted on November 8, 2021 by Peter Woods

NEW YORK — Members of Racked Brain returned from a weekend “tour” and immediately began telling their friends tales of a “packed and absolutely bonkers” show in Laconia, New Hampshire, skeptical sources confirmed.

“Nothing was out of the ordinary before the set began, therefore nothing could have prepared us for the power of this audience,” opined lead singer Ernest Chase. “As soon as we picked up our instruments, a buzz shot through the venue like a lightning bolt of insanity. Everyone there started rushing the stage, people were coming in from the street. I saw like four dudes climb through a window, and one guy came in through the ceiling. They knew every word to every song, even the unreleased songs. It was pretty fucking tight.”

“The overwhelming excitement I felt in that moment is almost beyond words,” added Chase. “But needless to say, they moshed, like, really fucking hard.”

Upon hearing this mythic tale, Racked Brain’s New York colleagues felt an immediate need to journey to Laconia as well.

“God, I want to play there so bad. It all sounds so amazing,” said Brianna Blanchard, guitarist for power violence band Rubble Stuffers. “It sucks that playing around here is so boring. No one here dances anymore because they are all ‘too cool’ for that, but I know they would love us over in Laconia. Plus, I bet they would buy a shit ton of merch and we still have, like, 180 copies of our LP left.”

Despite the overwhelmingly excited response from members of Racked Brain, the attendees at the show had a different opinion.

“Oh, that band that played last week? Yeah, they weren’t bad,” said Laconia native Sam Webb. “I mean, it was pretty straightforward D-Beat. Nothing I haven’t heard before, but it was solid. The problem is that Dog Jockers are from here and they do exactly what that band does except way faster and louder and better.”

“You should come check out a Dog Jockers show around here sometime,” Webb added. “People actually mosh for real at those shows, unlike when Warped Brain [sic] played.”

Following their successful trip, Racked Brain has already announced plans to ride their current momentum with another show, this time in their hometown of New York City. As of press time, four people have RSVP’d on the Facebook event.

Mom Screams Into Decorative Throw Pillow

Posted on November 7, 2021 by Dom Turek

CHANDLER, Ariz. — A local mom was seen screaming her regrets and frustrations into a decorative throw pillow that read, “Family is Forever,” reported a neighbor who witnessed the incident from her window.

“My first reaction was to go over and see where she got that gorgeous linen throw pillow from,” said neighbor Danielle Orlowski. “I’ve been looking for a new pillow to scream my primal fears and guttural sorrows into ever since I found out my husband was sleeping with someone from his gym, but everything has beads or sequins stitched onto it, which makes it hard to get a good scream in. Plus, I don’t think they’re machine washable.”

Home furnishing stores market throw pillows as decorative accessories used to tie in color accents, but sales associates insist there is no wrong way to use a pillow.

“We want the pillows to be fashionable enough to make a modest statement about your social standing but functional enough to scream your resentments into before your kids come home from school,” said Marshalls’ merchandising supervisor Patrick Evans. “Once upon a time, women were forced to scream into cheap polyester pillows from Sears, but Marshalls is committed to transforming the way people scream into pillows by offering a wider range of colors and fabrics to choose from, in both seasonal themes and classic designs.”

Alice Sawyer, seen screaming into her pillow earlier, uses Marshalls as her go-to for ceramic pumpkins, framed stock photos of the Eiffel tower, or just a place to browse while she wonders what could have been.

“I’m a little embarrassed she saw me screaming into that pillow and not one of my better ones,” said Sawyer, fluffing a European pillow sham. “My husband keeps telling me to stop wasting his hard-earned money on ‘useless crap,’ but I’d rather pay $9.99 to scream into a chenille throw pillow than spend thousands on a divorce lawyer. Why does he care about how many throw pillows are on the bed? We’ve been sleeping in separate rooms for years.”

At press time, Sawyer was seen stabbing a pillow that read “Too Blessed to be Stressed” with her new Cuisinart paring knife.

Daylight Saving Time Causes Punk Show To Accidentally Start on Time

Posted on November 7, 2021 by Kevin Tit

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — A show in the basement of local punk house Arsonist Hall started exactly on time today, thanks to a Daylight Saving Time mishap, shocked attendees confirmed.

“This should not be a reflection of the Providence punk scene — our punctuality and preparedness only happened because none of us actually knew what time it was,” said longtime punk Arty “Germ” Lussier. “We’ve just been going by the clock on our stove, and since it read 7:00, we had no way of knowing we were supposed to set our clocks an hour back. And to make it worse, both of the neighbors are on vacation, so there’s nobody to call in a noise complaint. This is hardly even a punk show at this point. Somebody better feed the dog some beer to save face.”

Bands booked on the show admitted that starting on time was disorienting.

“We rolled in, and thought we were 30 minutes late and took our time setting up, but it was all for nothing. The clock in our van hasn’t worked since our bass player puked all over the dashboard display — we usually just kind of go off the placement of the sun to time our day out,” said Gail Ciccotti, lead singer of local punk band Schlitz Blitz. “I overheard some yuppie posers with smartphones mention it was 8:15 halfway through our set, and I just sort of froze: we were the band that started on time. We looked like fucking amateurs.”

Punk historian Andy Melrose noted that the “spring” forward” and “fall back” of Daylight Saving Time has led to multiple issues with punk time.

“There are strict rules we have to follow in the supposedly ‘lawless’ punk scene, and changing the clocks is a surefire way to mess everything up,” said Melrose. “Every year I hear reports of shows starting exactly on time across the country, or even starting early… which is worse than getting caught smiling in family photos with your rich parents and having a full-time job combined. We need to get better about adjusting our expectations every spring and fall.”

Witnesses say the show’s reputation sank even lower, however, when police showed up to the house and enjoyed a few songs before leaving without saying a word.

Woman With No Plans or Responsibilities Feels “Thrown” by Daylight Saving Time

Posted on November 7, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

BELOIT, Wisc. — Local woman Angie Tufts expressed that she feels “all out of wack” because of a recent Daylight Saving Time change, despite having no actual plans or responsibilities of any note.

“This ‘fall back’ bullshit always throws me for a loop,” said Tufts while sipping her third macchiato of the day in an effort to wake up. “When I woke up at my mom’s house I could just feel something was different. Then while all my friends were at their dumb jobs, I just couldn’t get it together to even run to Starbucks. Ugh. I don’t even know how I’ll make it to the movies on time today. And just when I started finally adjusting to the last time change. I swear to God I’m gonna move to Arizona.”

Charlotte Tagawa, a longtime friend of Tufts’, says this was to be expected.

“I’ve been her friend since high school,” said Tagawa. “And twice a year, without fail, she acts like she woke up in a parallel universe where everything is confusing but the only actual difference is it’s an hour earlier. Or later. Or really, not at all. It’s all bullshit made up for farmers. But also, Angie hasn’t had her life together in that entire time. So I don’t know why not having to set her alarm to wake up in the morning an hour back is a big change.”

Personal life coach Wyndham Smith was more critical of Tufts.

“All my potential clients have some issue that plagues their life,” said Smith. “But this one is really more pathetic than normal. Like, she doesn’t even have a cat that she has to feed? Or like, a weird hobby that’s taking up too much of her time? This lady really needs to get her act together, even if just to give her life enough structure that a minor time change doesn’t make her apparently sleep for 14 hours straight.”

As of press time, Tufts was blaming her inability to find her mother’s credit card on Mercury having been in retrograde last month.

You’re Doing Your Anxiety Relief Breathing Exercises All Wrong, You Panicky Idiot

Posted on November 7, 2021 by Dan Kozuh

Okay now just relax. I want you to close your eyes, inhale for a count of four, hold for a count of seven, and exhale for a count of eight. No! You are inhaling too fast and you aren’t holding it in long enough. Do you even know how to count? How do you ever expect to overcome your panic attacks if you breathe like a goddamn pug?! How about you say “Mississippi” after every count since apparently you’re a kindergartner? It’s like you don’t even want to get better.

If you screw this up your anxiety is going to get even worse. Is that what you want, you jittery moron? Just clear your mind completely and also count at the same time while picturing yourself in a meadow. How hard is that? Don’t forget about your hand placement. And relax. No, don’t breathe into that chakra! What a buffoon.

Ok fine, let’s try box breathing. This is in for four, hold for four, out for four, and hold for four. You have to make sure to do it exactly evenly or it won’t work. And breathe from your belly, not your chest. Deeper. DEEPER I SAID! Why are you so tense?

Try relaxing your entire body while keeping your spine perfectly aligned. If it isn’t perfectly aligned the stressors can’t escape your body and they will build up in your spinal fluid and paralyze you. So just relax.

I didn’t think this was possible but let’s dumb this down even further and just focus on your breathing. All you have to do is feel yourself breathing. In and out. In and out. It’s working? Okay good. Now, don’t let your mind wander into thoughts like how you’re alive right now but someday you won’t be or you could spiral out of control and ruin everything.

Feel. Don’t think. But be mindful at the same time. How do you not get this? Expand your awareness but look within at the same time. This is a time for self-examination but also for releasing the self and allowing it to go where it wants. And if you can’t do that simple task, then maybe you just want to spend the rest of your life being a nervous wreck.

Piss Drunk Belle & Sebastian Tidy Hotel Room

Posted on November 7, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — Piss-drunk indie pop band Belle & Sebastian spent a raucous evening tidying their hotel room at the Radisson Blu Aqua while on a recent tour, according to sources.

“We get our share of touring musicians here,” said Gio Ciccio, a room cleaner at the Radisson. “And honestly, most of them are a real handful. Smash Mouth did things to their rooms that still haunt me. But we’ve never had a case quite like this. All of our rooms are guaranteed to be absolutely comfortable, luxurious, and clean. But when Belle & Sebastian got back from their show, absolutely reeking of elderflower vodka, they found nooks and crannies with the tiniest amounts of dust. They straightened the end tables to perfect right angles, even unscrewed the shower heads and reapplied plumber’s tape for maximum water pressure. Fucking weird.”

“Do they travel with plumber’s tape?” Ciccio said while aimlessly looking for something to clean. “Who does that?”

Jim MacCrearer, Belle & Sebastian’s longtime tour manager, was unapologetic.

“Look, Belle & Sebastian isn’t your average rock band,” MacCrearer said while methodically filling in sudoku. “In fact, it’s a real debate if they rock at all. A lot of bands get loaded and destroy shit, but not these ones. And they deserve to unwind on a grueling tour like this, and if their tour riders include at least eight varieties of herbal tea and they do some light dusting, that’s show business, baby. Now fuck off, please.”

Retired band manager Alan Phillips considers this just part of road life.

“Frankly, if this is the worst thing a group of Scottish musicians does to your hotel, you should consider yourself lucky,” Phillips said. “I remember, back in ‘86, Jim Reid from The Jesus & Mary Chain trashed every bar in Atlanta until he found a place that would serve him an Irn-Bru and whiskey. Of course, we just mixed Jim Beam with Gatorade and told him that’s what it was. Slept like a lamb after that.”

As of press time, bandleader Stuart Murdoch was kicked in the door of a Lou Malnati’s to politely ask if there was a bathroom he could use, if that’s not a problem.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia.

Top 11 Most Paused Moments in Movies

Posted on November 6, 2021December 10, 2025 by James Knapp

Once in a while a movie scene comes around that you just have to stop and take a closer look at. These are some of the most paused moments in film history.

Phoebe Cates Shows the Goods, Fast Times at Ridgemont High

A favorite movie night feature for senior centers everywhere, the elderly are notorious for pausing this particular scene to rant about how “that young lady outta cover up” and “in my day only the greasy Welsh wore bathing suits like that.”

Daniel Craig Gets Sack-Tapped, Casino Royale

A bi-curious glimpse of side-ass during this brutal torture scene isn’t enough to stop most men from pressing pause while pondering how they might also withstand such treatment should they ever be abducted by hitmen for some reason.

The Blood Rave Orgy Scene, Blade

Viewers routinely paused their DVDs during this scene as a result of the techno induced seizures it was prone to cause.

The Kiss of Death, Godfather Part II

Although this scene was not intended to be sexual, eagle-eyed home video viewers were able to pause the scene at just the right time to spot Al Pacino gently cupping the ass and tweaking the nipples of co-star John Cazale.

Tree Guys Doing Shit, Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

This is just a really long movie and on average this scene is when most people really have to go to the bathroom.

Macaulay Culkin Bee Death, My Girl

Audiences frequently paused their screens just prior to this scene, either unwilling to subject themselves to Kevin Mcallister’s tragic death or holding onto some misguided hope that by leaving the film paused long enough they might somehow avoid it entirely. Regardless, the Culkster dies and this is one of the most paused scenes in movie history.

Jake Busey’s Forehead, Starship Troopers

Rumor has it that if you look at it long enough it will reveal unto you the exact time and means of your death… we’ve been staring at it for three days.

Blink 182’s Cameo, American Pie

Travis Barker has a pet monkey! Hilarious!

The Long Psychedelic Space Tunnel, 2001: A Space Odyssey

During its initial theatrical run, movie theaters often stopped the film during this scene under the mistaken assumption that their projectors were malfunctioning. Sadly they were not and this technically-dated snoozefest went on to be included in the Library of Congress.

The Ass-To-Ass Scene, Muppet Treasure Island

Buried treasure isn’t the only booty that gave people pause in one of the most controversial scenes in all of children’s cinema. From the master of surrealist horror, Jim Henson, viewers frequently stopped this scene to try to figure out how exactly Kermit and Sam the Eagle managed to fit all three coconuts up there.

Munchkin Suicide, The Wizard of Oz

Fans have debated for years whether the urban legend is true that one of the actors portraying a munchkin hung themselves on the set of this classic film. Inside sources confirmed that this rumor is not true. It was actually one of the flying monkeys who hung himself.

Doctor Advises Rugged Detective to Take Medication By the Fistful in Back of a Cab

Posted on November 6, 2021 by Michael Luis

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Local doctor Elvin Grant advised a hardscrabble down-on-his-luck police detective to exclusively take their medication aggressively and by the fistful in the back of a cab, concerned sources confirmed.

“Not every patient has a schedule that allows them to take medication in the traditional manner,” said Dr. Grant. “The patient in question, Detective Martin Jones, is a no-nonsense cop who plays by his own rules, but you know what? He gets results. I knew we would have to try something unconventional in order for him to actually take these pills. Marty told me that he’s constantly waking up in strangers’ beds with a bottle of whiskey by his side and that he lost his license after driving through a fruit stand to catch a perp, so I felt the best intake strategy for him would be unregulated handfuls in moving vehicles after yelling ‘Follow that car!’ at the scared driver.”

Detective Jones said he’s thankful for a physician like Dr. Grant who understands that when you have a city to protect, there’s no time to plan your pills.

“I appreciate Doc a lot. I’ve been on this beat since the days where you couldn’t do a house call without getting stabbed,” said Davis before taking a long drag of a cigarette. “You gotta remember, this was when you didn’t know if an old lady needed help across the street or if she was gonna pull a knife on you and take every last penny in your trenchcoat. You’d think that some little boy’s cat was stuck in a tree, but then the little boy, or even the stuck cat, pulls a knife on you and tells you to hand over your entire paycheck.”

“The city started to calm down when we dismantled that illegal knife-distribution ring,” added Davis. “But I can barely handle the reflection I see in the mirror, let alone a regimented medication schedule.”

Despite this, Dr. Grant is currently under investigation for malpractice.

“I reviewed Jones’ file and it’s appalling that one of our physicians has been prescribing medication like this,” said Chief of Medicine Dr. Bill Rogers “I called the chief at Detective Jones’ precinct and he said Jones was the top officer. That is, until he started seeing Dr. Grant. In my professional opinion, this atypical medication intake has caused his hallucinations where he believes he’s in a ‘70s cop movie.”

At press time, Detective Jones reconnected with his estranged wife and daughter and will be playing shortstop at this weekend’s inter-precinct charity softball game.