Metal Band Only Playing Venues With Chain Wallet Mandates

Posted on by Cory Cousins

ALTOONA, Pa. — Local metal band, Reluctant Cannibal, announced they will exclusively perform at venues that mandate the donning of chain wallets for every patron, drawing lines among the metal community.

“We realize that this is a deeply polarizing issue in today’s society, but sometimes you just have to stand up for what is right,” declared Reluctant Cannibal vocalist, James “Bloodlicker” Diaz. “Sure, we might lose some fans and performing opportunities because of this decision, but we are looking at the big picture here. One-hundred percent chain wallet compliance at shows increases metal output, and thereby enjoyment, by tenfold. This has been proven by science, look it up.”

Some in the local metal scene were not immediately swayed by the proclamation from the divisive band.

“I heard about this from one of my friends, but I just thought they were joking. It’s not a joke?” asked baffled metalhead, Sydney Larsen. “Sure, I support anyone who chooses to wear a chain wallet as an accessory to their metal show ensemble, but mandating it seems like authoritarianism at best and poser behavior at worst. Maybe they should concentrate on not sucking. Because that seems like a more pressing issue.”

Bookers at local music venues seemed caught off guard regarding the recent news from the largely unknown metal group.

“I’m pretty sure that none of the other venues in town require customers to wear chain wallets. That’s possibly the lamest thing I’ve ever heard,” mused Dial ‘M’ For Metal venue promoter, Tommy Bibbins. “I think we got Reluctant Cannibal to fill in once as the opening spot on a five-band bill, when three other bands declined. I kind of wish we would have cut our losses and went with a four-band bill. Ironically, one of the guitarists, who was sporting an unusually long chain wallet, was walking backstage and got his chain snagged in the power source of the PA system, causing a small fire and ultimately stopping the show for a full hour. They haven’t been asked back.”

Following a string of rejections from local clubs, Reluctant Cannibal has loosened their original discriminating stance to a more flexible outlook, which includes playing literally any venue that will hire them.

In Hindsight, I Regret Hiring This Pedal Pub as a Getaway Vehicle

Posted on by James Knapp

It really did seem like a good idea at the time. Admittedly I had had a few daiquiris then, so maybe my judgment was a bit blurred. But looking back now, while awaiting trial for armed robbery, I realize that a party tour pedal pub was not the wisest choice of getaway vehicle.

Don’t get me wrong, it was still a lot of fun. And had the circumstances been different I absolutely would have hired it again. But as a facilitator of a daytime bank heist it had some slight drawbacks.

For one, not a lot of storage space. I had to leave half my haul behind after those girls refused to make room behind the bar for it.

And that’s another thing. I didn’t realize that sometimes multiple groups can hire the same tour, so I ended up sharing the entire getaway with a bachelorette party from Hoboken. They were the most conspicuous thing I’ve ever seen, although I do wish Jenn and her ex-husband all the best on their vow renewal.

The biggest drawback had to be that pedal pubs are unreasonably slow-moving, which I initially thought might help me blend in after the robbery and let me just kinda Keyser Soze my way outta there. Turns out I wasn’t hiding in plain sight so much as I was being a bank robber in plain sight.

What it actually did was let the cops in pursuit follow at a leisurely pace for six blocks before they were finally able to stop laughing at me long enough to actually make the arrest. Then afterward they left me in the car while they had a drink with the bridesmaids. They really were sweet girls.

So yeah, I guess a pedal pub was a bad idea – but, you live and learn. When I try this next time, in about 3 to 5 years time, I’ll have ironed out some more details and picked a better means to make my escape.

On an unrelated note, does anyone know if a pedicab would be able to outrun a cop on horseback? Just asking.

Goth Girl Opposes Prison Abolition for Fear That the Serial Killer She Wrote Letters to Will Actually Want to Hang Out

Posted on by Robert Vetter

LOS ANGELES — Local goth Ophelia Hall recently began advocating for harsher prison sentences amid calls for justice reform, especially for the serial killer at San Quentin Prison she’s been corresponding with through love letters, sources close to the situation confirmed.

“The fact of the matter is some people should stay locked up. It should go without saying that the serial killers I may have written a few love letters to should stay in jail. Fuck, I sent these guys recent photos, they know what I look like, don’t let them out ever,” said Hall, a part-time Hot Topic cashier. “Now that this issue is gaining more traction, there is a very real possibility that he will be released and try to hang out with me. Whatever happened to an eye for an eye, or in his case the many eyes of those he serial murdered.”

Her prison pen pal feels differently about the issue, though, and continues to annoy guards outside his cell with love songs and Shakespearean sonnets in anticipation of his in-person courtship.

“My love for the beloved Ophelia has given me something to look forward to every day I’m in here. Her kind words make me want to be a better man, and the loose strands of hair that fall into the envelopes her letters come in make me feel like my blood is on fire. I’ve almost collected enough to stuff my pillow,” said Jonathan “The Park Ranger Ripper” Carter. “And our correspondences have helped my case for my rehabilitation. The tender exchange of our words has brought new evidence to my case that I’m a loving misunderstood soul. Now people see me as so much more than that guy who stuffed those Yosemite park rangers into bear proof trash cans. Allegedly.”

According to criminal psychologist Alma Gomez, it’s a pretty common occurrence for goths to write letters to dangerous individuals.

“There’s a cathartic appeal to writing letters to murderers. It allows people with an interest in the macabre to fantasize about it, and it’s a much healthier hobby than the other popular goth hobby of making home taxidermy with roadkill they find on the street,” said Gomez. “But it’s important that this stay in the realm of fantasy and nothing more because they can’t get into a romantic relationship with a serial killer or they will end up in 25 different trash bags dumped off the side of the highway.”

The Park Ranger Ripper is reportedly using his paid phone minutes to try to book wedding venues and rent a tuxedo.

Help! Nobody Came to My Show Tonight Even Though I Worked My Ass off on That One Promo Tweet This Morning!

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

Dude, what the fuck? Doors opened like an hour ago and no one’s here! Now I’m texting all my friends like, “You need to get your asses down here right now!” But they’re all like, “Sorry dude, didn’t know you even had a show!” You didn’t know?! After I spent all morning painstakingly formulating that one perfect promo tweet this morning?! Punk is dead.

As an artist, I carefully craft everything I do. Well, except for the music. That’s just gotta flow naturally. I find, the more effort I put into my music, the greater the risk that I’ll feel bad when it doesn’t immediately make me famous. But dammit I worked hard on this tweet. So where is everyone?!

Any true musician knows that it takes more than just having good songs to get people to actually come out to a show. You need an identity, something you stand for, and, of course aloof, generic tweets that make people feel invited to attend your event that you might not even bother showing up to. Well, I nailed that last thing. So why am I standing in an empty venue save for one very pissed off promoter?

Last week, this one dude brought out 200 people to this place so I called him up to ask how. First of all, the asshole laughed at my one tweet thing. He said that only works for celebrities. Um, hello! It’s me, dude. Like everyone in town knows me. Then he went off about hanging posters, handing out flyers, hounding radio and newspapers for interviews, Facebook community pages, booking bands with decent followings and giving them a bigger cut of the door, asking the bar for drink specials, and individually messaging friends and family weeks in advance. Jesus Christ, buddy. I already have a part-time job.

Fuck this promoter shit. I’ll leave that to the ugly, talentless losers who can only imagine lives behind the scenes. I was meant for the spotlight, not the grunt work! From now on I’m only gonna put effort into the parts I like about playing music. Primarily drinking in bars, which is what I’m gonna start doing now that the show is canceled.

Drummer Excited to Premiere New Soundcheck Drum Solo

Posted on by Cory Cousins

BURLINGTON, Vt. — Local drummer Ethan Chambers was buzzing with excitement last night just before unveiling his new drum solo, specifically intended for soundcheck and absolutely nothing else, amused venue bartenders confirmed.

“Soundcheck is the real show, in my humble opinion. It’s where I get to showcase my creative flair, and frankly, percussive expertise. Some people just think it’s a monotonous process to test mic levels, but no. This is the time to show all seven people here what I’m made of,” Chambers noted proudly. “How many times have you been slogging your way through a band’s set, with all of the usual cliche lyrics, bland chord progressions, and uninspired guitar solos, wishing that everyone would just shut up and let the drummer shine? I know I do all the time! Unfortunately, my bandmates completely disagree with me. Some people just don’t understand great art, I suppose.”

Chambers’ bandmates were quick to register their opinions regarding the cacophonous sound check spectacle.

“The whole thing is honestly a little embarrassing,” confessed guitarist Sara Jackson. “It’s really unnecessary and over-the-top to go off during soundcheck, but we let Ethan jerk around so that he can settle down for the set, and just get on with the ‘boom tap boom boom tap’ business we hired him for. We’ve been through three drummers in the last six months, so we’re really just trying to avoid holding auditions for another drummer, which is also pretty much the worst experience ever. They always end up stealing something from our space, and they usually smell like a Subway foot long.”

Venue sound guy, Joe Foster, surprisingly left the sound booth mid-solo to go to the bar for a drink, and to presumably drown out the sounds from the stage.

“Fuck me, not again,” remarked Foster between shots of Jack Daniels. “This literally happens every time I come to work. I ask the drummer to check each drum and cymbal individually during soundcheck so I can get the balance right. Then at the end, I ask to hear the whole kit, and that’s when the inevitable pissing contest ensues. Everybody just has to be John Bonham. Why are you playing blast beats for ten minutes straight when you drum for a singer-songwriter? I give up. Please, just make it stop.”

At the conclusion of last night’s show, Chambers announced that he would be making an anthology of drum set recordings available to all sound check enthusiasts.

We Spent the Night in an Old Haunted Mansion and Now We Have Mesothelioma

Posted on by Dan Rice

Spooky season is upon us, and this year The Hard Times has decided to go all in on Halloween content! When I mentioned the lore surrounding a supposedly haunted house in my hometown during a brainstorm meeting the editors insisted that I put together a team and see if we could survive a full night inside the alleged den of horrors. Well, we did survive the night, but there were nonetheless grave consequences for our transgressions.

We all have fucking Mesothelioma now. Me, my best friends, the psychic we hired and the photographer, we’re all real sick, and we’re probably going to die. Happy Spooktober you fucking animals.

Yeah,it turns out the root of all those spooky stories about the old Creedy place was a huge asbestos problem that claimed the lives of the entire Creedy family. In hindsight that makes way more sense than the satanic possessions, ghosts and government classified cryptid/alien encounters blamed in various town legends. The house is rightfully condemned, but the town and the banks have been in legal stalemate over who should assume the cost of removal for decades, so that’s why it has all of those ominous “keep out” signs, not because the old grandfather clock becomes a portal to a hellscape dimension every night at midnight like I heard on the 6th grade bus.

Admittedly a few of the signs read “Hazardous material on premises, do not enter for your own safety,” but you can see how we just assumed that was part of the conspiracy.

The night itself was actually quite boring and uneventful. After a while we actually started trying to antagonize the evil spirits. First we yelled at them, and told them how cool our tattoos were like they do on Ghost Adventures. Then we started fucking around with an Ouija board. When that didn’t work we burned the board and pissed on the ashes. None of this seemed to evoke a spiritual response.

My buddy Stew did think he saw a shadow guy for like a second, but he later admitted he was trying to get high on cough syrup that night so that’s pretty dubious.

Well, our job was to get scared, and I can tell you we are all very scared right now so, success. We’re just scared in less off a “hey what was that spooky noise” and more of a “Jesus, I have to tell my mother” sort of way. Still, spoooooky!

Algorithm Suspends Health Teacher from Online Public School for Saying “Vagina” Instead of Pu$$¥

Posted on by Laura Merli

AUSTIN, Texas — An algorithm designed to protect public school children from inappropriate content has suspended the Zoom account of Hillsummit Elementary School’s health teacher, Mrs. Kimberley Warner, for using the word “vagina,” according to sources.

“Young people need to learn the correct terms for their bodies so they can report inappropriate contact, communicate medical needs, and when they’re older, have conversations about their boundaries without passing out from a shame-induced-spiral,” Warner explained. “Instead of ‘vagina,’ the Texas Board of Education said I should teach students to use ‘Pu$$¥’–how can they communicate meaningfully with an unpronounceable word?”

Parents of those enrolled in the school support the algorithm’s decision to censor language that might get their curriculum flagged.

“I agree with the computer on this one,” said school board member Evan Tate. “If my daughter knew she had a V-hole, she might want to use it. I’d rather she learn about it the old-fashioned way: by having gravely disappointing sex on her wedding night. Besides, if our educators keep being careless with the terms they’re using the whole dang school might get shut down, or at least shadow banned, which everyone knows takes forever to recover from.”

Seventh-grader Leigh Harris reported that after hearing the news of Warner’s suspension, she and other students adjusted their final presentations in creative ways so the files wouldn’t be flagged. Her powerpoint, originally titled “Menstrual Product Uses,” became “Bleeding Roast Beef Napkins.”

“It’s really frustrating when you get used to using the wrong words,” Harris said. “The other day I asked someone in line at the bathroom if they had any extra roast beef napkins and they looked at me like I was crazy. I also have no idea how to extend the roast beef metaphor to include tampons instead of just pads. At least the last report I had to change from ‘The Benefits of Breastfeeding,’ to ‘Honk Those Mommy-Milkers’ got an overall good reception.”

Luckily for the school’s history teacher, the algorithm is not designed to flag violent content such as “genocide,” “disentary,” or “why we should stockpile guns.”

Opinion: Don’t Gift Me Sex Coupons if They’re Just Going to ‘Expire’ Three Years After We Broke Up

Posted on by Constantine Platanias

I understand why you did it. I’ve never been an easy person to buy gifts for. So why go to all the trouble of figuring out what to get me when you could simply make some ‘sex coupons’ in lieu of a present? But the next time you do that for a boyfriend, please, have the good sense to, at the very least, add an expiration date.

It’s not that I want to use the coupons, I don’t. I’m just upset that you were so irresponsible. We both knew we had problems. We fought all the time, hated each other’s friends, and stopped spending time together. You must have realized things were coming to an end. So why on Earth would you think it was a good idea to give me 20 assorted sex coupons containing no language indicating they would ever expire?

I know a deal when I see one. So, when you gave me these coupons, I was stunned that you didn’t include any terms and conditions. You were always terrible at planning ahead, so I shouldn’t have been surprised that you didn’t put the thought and care into ensuring their use was contingent on the continuation of our relationship. This is just like when you bought me a sweater for my birthday right before summer.

All I ever wanted was a nice, thoughtful present from you. Something that showed you were marriage material. Instead, you gave me proof that you couldn’t be trusted. If we’d gotten married, how do I know you didn’t have sex coupons out there from some other partner who could, within their right, show up to our house and collect and there would not legally be a thing I could do about it.

Maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe the coupons were your way of telling me you were in it for the long haul. That you were committed to me and our love. I guess I’ll ever know, because unlike your gift, our future expired a long time ago. I just wish I had a coupon for a second chance.

Kid Asks Mall Danzig if He’s the Real Danzig

Posted on by Tony Morse

LODI, N.J. — Angsty third grader Billy Monroe reportedly caused a stir among Halloween revelers when he questioned the identity of a local mall Danzig during a routine photo, spooked sources confirmed.

“Last week I asked my mom how Danzig can visit all the graveyards in the world in just one night. She said he uses black magic, but that doesn’t seem possible,” said the small child. “He’s already so busy hacking the heads of little girls and hanging them on his wall. I already know Santa has special helpers for Christmas, so it makes sense if Danzig did the same thing. When it was my turn I asked the guy sitting on the throne of skulls if he was the true Evil Elvis or just some knockoff Misfits stand-in like Zoltán Téglás. I mean, who wants to see some cover act instead of the real thing?”

Monroe’s father Jacob admits that his son’s emotional growth and budding intellectual curiosity is bittersweet.

“I remember bringing home our first Dark Elf on the Shelf and explaining to little Billy how that unholy little ghoul would be keeping an eye on him for our immaculate Lord of Darkness,” he said while gesturing to a shelf filled with mostly Misfits memorabilia. “Other parents are opposed to them and claim they condition children to accept the surveillance state, but I disagree. It’s just about creating an enjoyable Halloween experience, and Dark Elves teach kids to make good choices when no else is around. Believe me, when your Kindergartner thinks a demonic spirit is reporting his every move to the Beelzebub, you’ll notice a major change in his behavior! I just hope we have a little longer before Billy begins wondering if Satan is real.”

Mall management allowed the festive Danzig a 15 minute unpaid break to explain how he got the gig.

“When you are 5’4”, have long black hair, and a grumpy demeanor your work options are limited,” grumbled out-of-work sound guy Eddie Esposito. “I took this shitty job because my Yamaha took a dump on me and I lost all my gigs. Now I listen to little brats ask me where I parked my Dragula. What the fuck kind of parents don’t teach their kids the difference between horror rockers like that? I weep for the future.”

Elsewhere in the mall, one time Misfits frontman Michal Graves was being forcibly removed from the premises for ripping masks off unsuspecting mall patrons.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia.

Review: Candy “Good to Feel”

Posted on by Kevin Tit

Richmond, Virginia is no stranger to extreme music, and the 2018 debut LP ‘Good To Feel’ from Candy, one of the capital city’s favorite young hardcore bands, is a clear example of that. The way in which these nine noisy, sample-heavy, face-ripping tracks are sampled is sheer perfection.

I’m sure you might be waiting to say something corny about how this is the type of CANDY you can consume without pissing off your dentist but I won’t. I have too much integrity to even fathom saying something as asinine as that. However, since we’re on the subject, you really shouldn’t eat too much of that shit. Especially if you don’t have any dental insurance because you know what isn’t GOOD TO FEEL? Your conscious brain actively processing the true horror of a quadruple wisdom tooth extraction.

When I found out I was going to be getting all four of those rotting fuckers pulled out of my head, I thought it was going to be like all the other oral surgery experiences I had heard about. A quick procedure involving some laughing gas followed by a silly ride home with a loved one who takes a video of me in a delirious state saying something so hilarious that I go viral on the internet and am eventually invited to go on “Ellen.”

That wasn’t the case at all. I didn’t have good enough insurance for the gas. I didn’t need to plan for somebody to pick me up because I was going to be fully conscious during the entire procedure. They brought me into the room, sat me in the chair, put on my bib and started shooting my gums full of that sweet novocaine. After about ten minutes of waiting for the twelve pumps of God’s mercy juice to numb my mouth the dentist picked up their barbaric metal tools and began prying the decaying bones from my jaw. The pain was nonexistent, however the sound of my teeth breaking and crunching continues to haunt me. I haven’t had a piece of candy since.

In conclusion, this record is nothing like that. This record is actually pleasurable. You can have it as much as you possibly want without ever finding yourself sitting in a chair with a mouth full of blood as they extract parts of bone from inside your face.

Score: 5 times better than uninsured oral surgery

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