HARRISBURG, Pa. — Participation in a popular Instagram trend led you to look up the Urban Dictionary definition of your name which revealed frighteningly specific details about your impending death, horrified friends and family confirmed.
“We started with my sister Claire first, and hers was like, ‘Clare is a nasty ass-goblin who loves eating trash,’ and we all laughed, because Claire is totally an ass-goblin,” you said, continually looking over your shoulder, ashen as if you’d just seen a ghost. “I have kind of a unique name, so I wasn’t even sure if I’d see it on there–like my name is never on keychains or anything. There was only one entry, but rather than saying like, ‘Oh, they’re so hot and everyone loves them,’ or, even something kinda snarky like, ‘They always hog the blunt,’ it had a very detailed description of the SUV that would crush me against a highway barrier, and the exact time it was going to happen.”
Your sister confirmed that the entry included specifics that could only have been included by someone who knew you intimately.
“One minute we were all laughing and now we are all totally freaked out,” Claire said, nervously refreshing the Urban Dictionary page in a vain hope that what it said might change. “I know I complain a lot about how he’s a pain in the ass and all, but I don’t want him to be writhing in painful agony for hours because emergency medical teams aren’t able to reach my brother because of a flaming gas tanker. That would totally suck. I was hoping he’d be in my wedding and shit. There’s no way I’m going to meet a decent guy and get engaged and plan a wedding before December 9th, when the post says he’s gonna die. I need at least until January or something.”
Amit Madden, a Senior Vice President at Urban Dictionary, says the company has no control over what people post.
“All of the content on our site is supplied by our users, and sometimes those users see God’s plan,” Madden explained. “If our users have an otherworldly insight which allows them to correctly identify the difference between ‘basic’ and ‘cheugy,’ or describe the sublime origin of ‘lemon party’ in exquisite detail, we cannot guarantee that they are incorrect regarding the specifics of your untimely demise. We help you navigate the modern world, but we are not liable if you’re no longer in it.”
At press time, a new meme was going viral in which users shared their social security number and rising sign for insights into their love lives in 2022.