Report: Weird Puddle in Corner of Venue Still There

Posted on by James Knapp

BALTIMORE — Latest reports from staff and showgoers at historic venue The Crab Trap confirmed that the strange puddle of unknown origin is still present over in the corner, far from any bathroom or water line.

“I’ve been coming to the Trap for years and never once have I seen that spot dry. I honestly wouldn’t have thought anything of it except that there doesn’t seem to be any source to it and I’m not even sure it’s water,” explained venue regular Lirra Floaman. “As long as you keep your distance from it I don’t think there’s anything to worry about. I mean, I know it’s just a puddle, but sometimes I look at it and I just get this weird feeling that, maybe, it’s looking back.”

Sammy Howe, owner of The Crab Trap, detailed the puddle’s history with the venue.

“That puddle was there before we even opened the place back in 1983. We just can’t get rid of it,” said Howe, side eyeing the puddle nervously. “We tried using a bunch of towels to soak it up but they all just dissolved and burned away and we had to bury the ashes behind the building. Then we set up a bunch of fans and electric heaters around and left for the weekend, but when we came back they were all mangled, almost like they’d been chewed up. But after all this time no one really seems to mind it anymore.”

“Hell, it could even be considered sort of a local legend,” Howe continued. “Just don’t stare directly at it… ever, especially if you hope to have children someday.”

Venue historians remain torn between numerous competing theories on the origin of the puddle.

“Errant dampness is just a natural part of any punk venue’s atmosphere, and can come from any number of sources,” said local scene veteran Paul ‘Mr. Big Brains’ Tolperstid. “Some colleagues of mine have theorized that the puddle could be anything from pit sweat to stale beer. Some say that’s the spot where GG Allin first pissed and shit himself live, and now it contains his essence. We obviously can’t know for sure, but I’ll admit, it does kinda have that energy about it.”

At press time, sources reported that the puddle had grown larger only to be later corrected to “nope, just still there.”

Animatronic Werewolf at Halloween Store Dreams of a Better Life

Posted on by Joanna McNaney Stein

NEW YORK — An animatronic werewolf located in Leona’s Halloween Store known as Harold is reportedly tired of playing things safe and has recently become outspoken about its dreams for a more fulfilling life.

“Plain and simple, Harold is tired of the Halloween schtick,” said owner/manager Leona Neal, who claims to communicate psychically with the beast. “For 10 years, he’s stood in that doorway scaring the bejesus out of people, but lately he just seems bored. Even when I change his batteries, he doesn’t improve. It’s like he wants something more out of his life.”

Long-time customers acknowledged strange interactions had taken place with the werewolf, including claws reaching out to people, red LED eyes randomly winking, and his once maniacal “Heh, heh, heh” now sounding like the word “help.”

“My wife Sandy and I drive down from Tarrytown every year to see Harold,” said shop visitor Randy McMahon. “This year, my wife’s cardigan got all tangled up in the werewolf’s claws. It took about an hour to get her out. Later on, she found a torn up Post-It in her sweater pocket with the words ‘SAVE ME’ written on it. She’s still scared, but with all these jokesters at Halloween there’s no doubt in my mind it’s just a practical joke.”

Visiting Professor of Psychology and Supernatural Phenomena at NYU, Dr. Margaret Von Winklestein, thinks much more is at play than just pranks.

“Our researchers have collected several key pieces of empirical data about consciousness in Halloween animatronics,” Von Winklestein confirmed. “Just last week we received an anonymous tip from an employee at a Denver-based Halloween store. Apparently, a Grim Reaper dropped his scythe, picked up a zombie baby, and tried to breastfeed it. Raw footage was recorded on his iPhone, but is too disturbing to share with the public.”

At press time, Harold the werewolf had gone missing, and neighbors allege he was last seen running toward Penn Station with an animatronic Victorian witch and a three-headed dog skeleton.

7 Basic Commands To Teach Your Unruly Bassist

Posted on by Constantine Platanias

We all love our little two-legged bass playing buddies, but even the best of bassists can be a real handful sometimes!

As the old saying goes, a bass player is band’s best friend, but they can’t all be cool Claypools. Here are 7 basic commands to curb bad behavior if you’ve got a real Pastorius on your hands:

Rollover — This should be one of the easier commands for any bassist to learn, as one only becomes a bassist in the first place by rolling over and submitting to the lead guitarist.

Drop it— It’s natural for bassists to try to grab the microphone, but if they don’t drop it quickly it can lead to serious injury or even terrible .

Stay— Once you’ve found a dimly-lit, out-of-the-way corner of the stage for your bassist to stand, you’ll need to ensure they remain there for the duration of the show.

Crate — Crate-training your bassist may seem difficult, but doing so will make it much simpler to transport them from gig to gig.

Shake — Sometimes, being the frontman can get tiring. After all, you do most of the work on stage in addition to being the one everyone wants to talk to after shows. Once you teach your bassist how to shake, he’ll be able to take over fan-greeting duties while you get some much-needed shuteye.

Speak — Although your bassist will never have to use his voice on stage, teaching him how to speak can make for a fun party trick if you ever make it to the VMAs.

Fetch — Having to fetch equipment is a small price for your bassist to pay for getting to be in the band and sleep indoors.

Teaching your bass player this basic repertoire of commands will show people that you have control over the animal, and reduce the likelihood of an unfortunate incident that would cause you to put down your little 4-stringed companion.

Skateboarding, Bandana Wearing Dog Actually Local Punk Under Witch’s Curse

Posted on by Anna Walsh

SPOKANE, Wash. — An adorable bandana-clad dog seen frequenting the town skate park is rumored to be a human under a powerful curse from a local witch, dumbfounded sources explained.

“I was at the park the other day and saw a crowd forming around this mangy dog that kept eating old cigarette butts off the ground. That mutt was pushing around like one of those dogs you see on YouTube, but she was different. She loved the skateboarders but kept chasing scooter kids around and almost bit a rollerblader,” said local skater Brandon Hacht. “She seemed malnourished so I gave her a bowl of beer and a little bit of leftover hot dog every couple of hours, it would make her wag her tail like it was the greatest treat on the planet.”

Not everyone is quite so charmed by the neighborhood’s newest pooch.

“These filthy gutter wenches are always causing a ruckus skating around in the parking lot when I’m trying to buy my spell supplies, so yeah, sometimes I’m forced to turn people into various animals and insects to get a little peace and quiet. I recently had a surplus of milkweed and mutt fur so it’s a safe bet that this mongrel is my work,” stated probable witch Sybil Caster. “Leave it to this depraved town to make the creature a neighborhood phenomenon for rolling around on a piece of cardboard with wheels. Look, I’m not a monster. I made the spell very easy to break, once someone blows weed smoke in the dogs face the spell is broken. That will probably happen before the end of the day.”

The popular skateboarding dog seems to be taking her sudden physical changes as positively as possible.

“It was the strangest thing. One day I’m minding my own business, sluggin’ beers with the crew, and doing slappys on the curb by Michael’s when this Harry Potter looking lunatic runs up and says some abracadabra-babadook-frog-and-toad garbage. Suddenly I can only see people’s ankles and my sense of smell is through the roof,” the dog explained. “But this is one of the best things that ever happened to me. I can shit and piss wherever I want, I don’t have to pay rent, and if I bark aggressively enough, I can clear a room!”

At press time, the cursed dog was seen barking comically before stealing a steak off a restaurant goer’s plate.

Is It Too Early To Put Up My War on Christmas Decorations?

Posted on by Dianne Nora

Summer is over! It’s growing dark earlier, kids are headed back to school, and there’s a hint of chill in the air. This time of year means just one thing to me, the holidays are coming! But with everyone gearing up for Halloween, and warm temps still popping up, I have to wonder: is it too early to put up my War on Christmas decorations?

I’d like to think that my friends and neighbors look forward to my elaborate displays focused on taking the Christ out of Christmas. Sure, anyone can have a lawn sign that says “Happy Holidays!” or display a menorah alongside their tree, but I like to take it to the next level. This year, my lawn will feature a hand-carved nativity of Lil Nas X in a human centipede with the three Wise Men, while the infant Jesus sucks at Cardi B’s teat as she does one of her iconic poses from the WAP dance. It’s exquisite. Color me old-fashioned, but it’s never too soon in my book to say that Christian America is under attack from my pansexual, multicultural zeitgeist.

While my secular decorations and Kwanzaa’s-More-Important greeting card line have given me a great sense of purpose and joy, I think now is the time for the War on Christmas to break into new markets. Specifically: war on holiday movies! You remember Jingle All the Way? Well, I just finished a screenplay in which the Governator reprises his role in the present day, years after his amicable divorce, and settles down with a beautiful non-binary Muslim who works in renewable energy.

But oh no! The winter solstice is coming up and Arnold has waited ’til the last minute to buy the hottest new sex toy for his partner! Tingle All the Way may require an NC-17 rating for its extended sex scenes, but I think we could have a cult classic on our hands. Netflix, call me! I’d be happy to direct or even just watch over the production, like a horny little elf on the shelf.

As far as I’m concerned, the War on Christmas can’t come soon enough. In the meantime, stop by for some vegan nog and join in on the carols I’ve written about how Jesus was canonically a brown socialist.

Steampunk Band’s Tour Rider Just a List of Weird Hats

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — Touring steampunk band The Death Gaskets’s frustrated venue staff when their tour rider was revealed to be nothing more than an extensive list of weird hats, according to sources.

“Normally we don’t host that many bands,” said Jack Lynette, the manager of Kearney Memorial Library. “But these guys will only play at libraries, book binding services, or public parks where famous authors are said to have worked. And I know there’s a whole thing about bands making weird demands in their tour riders, like Van Halen wanting brown M&Ms and The Hold Steady always insisting on having every John Cassavettes movie on VHS in their dressing room. But these guys just want like, way more hats that anyone could need. Like, there’s four kinds of ‘trilby’ hats on this thing. What the fuck is a trilby?”

“Also, they already all have hats,” Lynette added while pulling up www.steamhats.com on a library computer.

Ted “Theodore Horace Huckleberry” Subitto, one of two organ players in The Death Gaskets, felt the rider was appropriate.

“Life on the road is hard,” Subitto said, paging through a well-worn copy of “The Difference Engine.” “It’s exhausting and lonely, the miles between shows we booked seeming like leagues. All so we can bring the gift of steampunk rock to the unwashed masses, all those Morlocks out there. So yeah, we enjoy some fringe benefits. If you know what I mean. And what I mean is hats. Lots and lots of hats.”

Retired band manager Alan Phillips was more confused about the state of rock music.

“Back in my day, tour riders were for piles and piles of loose cocaine,” Phillips said. “Like, just so much cocaine everywhere. And sometimes there would be like a sandwich platter or something, because cocaine settles better when you have something in your belly. Those were the days. But these guys also look like they’re from way, way before my days, so who knows. Rock ‘n roll, you know?”

As of press time, The Death Gaskets were refusing to perform until they received mustache waxings from a barber named Gustav.

We Interviewed the Wrong Japandroids but at Least Now We Know Who’s Behind the Recent Surge in Kaiju Activity

Posted on by Dan Rice

Between the Covid-19 pandemic and the recent rise in giant monsters attacking major cities across the globe, we haven’t been able to travel much lately. That’s why we were pleasantly surprised when we scheduled an Interview with Japandroids and they insisted on doing it in person on a small island off the coast of Indonesia! Unfortunately, when something sounds too good to be true it usually is.

The second we touched down on Infant Island something seemed off. There were dozens of Kaiju, but they appeared to be in some sort of dormant, trance-like state. We were greeted by a battalion of soldiers wearing goofy helmets, the leader of which told us that the monsters would not attack us, and that he had orders to escort us to control tower one.

I remember thinking, “What is the Canadian band responsible for arguably the greatest rock album in the last 10 years doing on an island surrounded by monsters with their own personal army?”

The Hard Times: Before we begin I just want to say thank you so much for flying us all the way out here just for an interview most bands would just do on Zoom. Really classy of you guys! 
Both Japandroids Speaking As One: From this tower, we cannot be defeated! 

Okay, sure. What is this place exactly, did you start your own studio here?
This tower is now the highest power in the world! None will be left to oppose our rule! 

Okay! Wow, you guys are really going all-in on this new gimmick of yours. What is it exactly, are you doing like a sci-fi concept album?  
Our only concept is the obliteration of all earth cities and governments. The remaining populace will be used as labor. 

Hmm. Are you at all worried that the band’s new direction will alienate long time fans? 
Foolish human! We know not of this “band” you speak of. 

Wait, are you Japandroids? 
We are Androids. 

The ones from Canada who made “Celebration Rock”? 
We are the Androids of Planet Zero!

Dammit! I knew something was wrong here. Wait, so you’re the ones responsible for all of the recent Kaiju attacks?!
Correct! From this tower we broadcast our master signal, making the monsters of Earth slaves to our will!

That makes sense! Godzilla was always a wild card but I knew Mothra wouldn’t have turned on us on his own! 
Soon the governments of your world will surrender unconditionally, and we will begin terraformation! There is no hope! 

Well that sucks. Plus I didn’t even get to interview Japandroids before the world gets destroyed. 
You are interviewing the new masters of the world. You will go to your media controllers and spread word that all resistance is futile! 

Japandroids interview would have been cooler. 
You will tell us more about these Japandroids. Are they your leaders? 

No, they’re just a cool band. They did that song “The House That Heaven Built.” Here, I’ll play it for you.
We have no use for your planet’s musical duo’s. We heard one when we arrived here on Infant Island and it was not for us!

You mean the fairy twins that guard Mothra? 
Correct. 

Yeah, that song sucks. Listen to this! 

That’s when I took out my phone and played “The House That Heaven Built.” I guess the Bluetooth connected to the control tower because it started blaring from everywhere. At first, the android dudes were all like “Stop this! Seize them!” but then they started tapping their toes and bobbing their heads. By the end, the androids, soldiers, and all of Earth’s Kaiju were bumping their fists to the music.

So, anyway that’s Japandroids.
Holy Shit! 

Yeah that song kicks ass right? 
That song kicks ass. Humans made this? 

You betcha. 
In that case we will call off our attack and spare your world.

Dope! 
Then we will find a planet that has no Japandroids, and claim their music as our own!

Oh. That’s like, kinda not cool. 
Seize them! 

No? Okay, just, you do you. Bye. 

We Interviewed the Wrong Japandroids but at Least Now We Know Who’s Behind the Recent Surge in Kaiju Activity

Posted on by Dan Rice

Between the Covid-19 pandemic and the recent rise in giant monsters attacking major cities across the globe, we haven’t been able to travel much lately. That’s why we were pleasantly surprised when we scheduled an Interview with Japandroids and they insisted on doing it in person on a small island off the coast of Indonesia! Unfortunately, when something sounds too good to be true it usually is.

The second we touched down on Infant Island something seemed off. There were dozens of Kaiju, but they appeared to be in some sort of dormant, trance-like state. We were greeted by a battalion of soldiers wearing goofy helmets, the leader of which told us that the monsters would not attack us, and that he had orders to escort us to control tower one.

I remember thinking, “What is the Canadian band responsible for arguably the greatest rock album in the last 10 years doing on an island surrounded by monsters with their own personal army?”

The Hard Times: Before we begin I just want to say thank you so much for flying us all the way out here just for an interview most bands would just do on Zoom. Really classy of you guys! 
Both Japandroids Speaking As One: From this tower, we cannot be defeated! 

Okay, sure. What is this place exactly, did you start your own studio here?
This tower is now the highest power in the world! None will be left to oppose our rule! 

Okay! Wow, you guys are really going all-in on this new gimmick of yours. What is it exactly, are you doing like a sci-fi concept album?  
Our only concept is the obliteration of all earth cities and governments. The remaining populace will be used as labor. 

Hmm. Are you at all worried that the band’s new direction will alienate long time fans? 
Foolish human! We know not of this “band” you speak of. 

Wait, are you Japandroids? 
We are Androids. 

The ones from Canada who made “Celebration Rock”? 
We are the Androids of Planet Zero!

Dammit! I knew something was wrong here. Wait, so you’re the ones responsible for all of the recent Kaiju attacks?!
Correct! From this tower we broadcast our master signal, making the monsters of Earth slaves to our will!

That makes sense! Godzilla was always a wild card but I knew Mothra wouldn’t have turned on us on his own! 
Soon the governments of your world will surrender unconditionally, and we will begin terraformation! There is no hope! 

Well that sucks. Plus I didn’t even get to interview Japandroids before the world gets destroyed. 
You are interviewing the new masters of the world. You will go to your media controllers and spread word that all resistance is futile! 

Japandroids interview would have been cooler. 
You will tell us more about these Japandroids. Are they your leaders? 

No, they’re just a cool band. They did that song “The House That Heaven Built.” Here, I’ll play it for you.
We have no use for your planet’s musical duo’s. We heard one when we arrived here on Infant Island and it was not for us!

You mean the fairy twins that guard Mothra? 
Correct. 

Yeah, that song sucks. Listen to this! 

That’s when I took out my phone and played “The House That Heaven Built.” I guess the Bluetooth connected to the control tower because it started blaring from everywhere. At first, the android dudes were all like “Stop this! Seize them!” but then they started tapping their toes and bobbing their heads. By the end, the androids, soldiers, and all of Earth’s Kaiju were bumping their fists to the music.

So, anyway that’s Japandroids.
Holy Shit! 

Yeah that song kicks ass right? 
That song kicks ass. Humans made this? 

You betcha. 
In that case we will call off our attack and spare your world.

Dope! 
Then we will find a planet that has no Japandroids, and claim their music as our own!

Oh. That’s like, kinda not cool. 
Seize them! 

No? Okay, just, you do you. Bye. 

Oh Shit, Free Pumpkins

Posted on by Goodrich Gevaart

LIMA, Ohio — A large, unattended assortment of pumpkins located in front of Lima Bethelem Church are apparently free for the taking based on how they don’t even bring them in at night or anything, according to several sources.

“I drove by this morning on my way to work and there was like 50 pumpkins all just sitting there, wasn’t nobody watchin’ em or nothing!” said Mitch Franklin, attendant at the local Citgo station and webmaster of a website that reviews smokeless tobacco. “I was like ‘oh shit, free pumpkins’ but I was already late for work. So I missed out. But I’ll probably swing by after dark later tonight and see if any are still left. I don’t really need one, but free is free, so why not?”

While Franklin may have missed out on the free pumpkins, others with a more flexible morning schedule were able to benefit.

“I only get $45 for the first half of the school year budget so I always find ways around paying for supplies for my kids,” said fifth-grade teacher at Lima Community School, Karen Whittles. “When I saw that big stash of free pumpkins, no one watching them, no signs saying they were for sale or donation or anything, I had my husband bring his truck over. We are going to have one fun pumpkin carving contest in the fifth grade this year!”

Some members of the community believe the pumpkins may be a part of a charity raffle for the church.

“Did the church used to have a pumpkin sale? I’m not sure since Halloween is kinda’ the devil’s thing,” said retired train conductor Gene Collins, who lives near the church. “Maybe it’s some kind of charity for the neighborhood or something, like how they have all those bales of hay laid out in that squiggle shape over in the back lot. My chicken coop needed lining and if it weren’t for that goodwill service I don’t know how I would have done it this year. Bless ‘em.”

Recent reports out of Lima have also found unlimited free coffee in the Chase bank lobby.

3 Books To Pretend You Like When In Reality You Haven’t Read Anything Since “The Giver”

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

Almost every Millennial was forced to read Lois Lowry’s “The Giver” at some point during middle school. We were quizzed on its dystopian themes, prodded to pick out motifs, and required to write bullshit book reports about that weird kid Jonas and the dead baby in the trash chute.

For some, probably including you, “The Giver” was the last book you ever read from start to finish. But maybe you just landed your first date in 18 months and found out they’re a total bookworm. Or perhaps you started school again and want to pretend you’re as erudite as your pretentious classmates. Thankfully, we’ve compiled a bulletproof list of smart-sounding favorites you can totally lie about loving!

“On the Road” by Jack Kerouac
This Beat Generation classic follows protagonist Dean Moriarty as he travels around America and Mexico doing stupid shit with his dumbass friends. Somehow I read most of it and still can’t tell you what it’s about. But if you say you like it because it’s a “daring recollection of a stigmatized counterculture, the capricious challenges of survival, and the whimsy of travel,” or something like that, no one will know how to disagree with you. As you may recall, nobody traveled in “The Giver,” because they all lived in a wacky cult called the Community and those who were “released” actually got euthanized. Why the hell were we forced to read that?

“Cat’s Cradle” by Kurt Vonnegut
For decades now, saying you like Kurt Vonnegut has been the easiest way to impress, or at least placate, a rabid group of English majors. But everyone and their brother has read “Slaughterhouse-Five” (except you of course). But if you go with the slightly more obscure “Cat’s Cradle,” people might think you’re actually the kind of person who reads paragraphs of text for fun. Or, you can dye your hair blue and start smoking Pall Malls and people will just assume you’ve read every Vonnegut book! Speaking of blue, remember nobody but Jonas and the old guy could see colors in “The Giver?” What the fuck was that about?

“A Clockwork Orange” By Anthony Burgess
Finally, a book with an actually okay movie adaption you can watch instead! This horrorshow novel written in jibberish follows Alex, a juvenile delinquent who gets his evil brain reprogrammed so he can’t enjoy crime anymore. In many ways, it’s similar to how reading “The Giver” made it so you couldn’t enjoy your childhood anymore. But the Ludovico Technique (the name of the procedure Alex undergoes that you should write on your arm so you don’t forget) was at least reversible. There is no forgetting “The Giver.” Like Jonas, you are doomed to be haunted by memories of that shitty book forever.