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Five Office Holiday Party Ideas That Don’t Hold a Candle To Letting Your Employees Just Go the Fuck Home

Tis’ the season! The season for structured corporate fun, that is. Do you have to plan an office holiday shindig but you’re sick of the same ol’ wine, cheese, and Mariah Carey hullabaloo? We’ve got you covered. Here are five fun, inventive office holiday party ideas that don’t even hold a candle to just letting your employees go the fuck home instead.

Costume party!
Who says the holidays can’t get a little silly? See who can bust out the best holiday garb with a lighthearted costume shindig. Ya know, even though the actual outfit your employees want to put on is a pair of sweatpants and that really soft Paramore shirt from 2009 as they sit on their couch. Far, far away from you.

Murder mystery!
A holiday-themed murder with a killer on the loose! This holiday party will provide your employees with a thought-provoking celebration that will undoubtedly have them planning your actual murder. I mean, could a life sentence really be worse than having to spend extra time with Dylan aka “the Dyll Man” from operations?

Let’s leave the office and bring your staff out for a rowdy night of drinks and dancing. There’s nothing people love more than not getting to choose the music they listen to while standing in a crowded, loud room after eight hours of selling their time to your company for pennies on the hour.

Ice Skating!
Instead of using the holiday season to spend extra time with their loved ones, give your employees the chance to sprain their ankle! Life is short. Let’s waste it on an event nobody actually wants to attend.

A Quaint, Sit-down Dinner!
Let’s strip away the fanfare and bring the gang together for a sensible, relaxing meal. Good wine, nice conversation, and low pressure. Nothing flashy. It’ll be nice to see each other outside the confines of the- holy fuck this is horrible. I can’t even pretend. Just fucking let us go home! Why would anyone want this? I hate you.! And I especially hate you, Dyll Man. Fuck yourself with a candy cane.

See you Monday!