Local Creep Inspired to Run Marathon After Seeing Woman With Visible Tattoos 26.2 Miles Away

Posted on by Peter Woods

HOPKINGTON, Mass. — Local creep Brad Hinton announced his plans to run a full marathon, moments after seeing a woman with visible tattoos 26.2 miles from where he was standing, confirmed multiple sources familiar with the situation.

“Yeah, I know I have never exercised a day in my life, but I’m just feeling really hyped on reaching this fitness goal. A lot of guys are content to let beautiful tattooed women come to them; that’s for lazy pricks. I’m going to put in the work,” said Hinton as he craned his neck to see the tattooed woman. “And if I can run 26.2 miles, I can do anything. I can get my life in order, I can ask that woman what her ‘ink’ means, and if I can touch them, and then see where she lives. That’s giving me so much energy right now.”

The tattooed woman that inspired Harding’s impromptu running career, Juliette Harding, was unaware of, but “completely unsurprised” by, his plans to ask her about her tattoos.

“Honestly, this isn’t the first time some jagoff picked up a sport just to harass me about my tattoos. I used to live by the Charles River and there were multiple occasions where guys stole a crew boat and rowed up to me to ask which tattoo hurt the most,” said Harding. “I don’t even know which tattoo he saw. I’ve been wearing a hoodie and jeans all morning. Maybe I’ll get lucky and he will shit himself around mile 22 and give up. I don’t need this today.”

Others in the running world shared a sense of unease after hearing about Hinton’s plans.

“We’re always excited to hear about someone else taking the dive into long distance running,” said Kelli Monroe, president of the American Marathon Runners Association. “We strongly believe it’s a great form of exercise that people of all ages can try. But we’re also pretty strongly opposed to having a bunch of goons like this in running culture, so maybe he could find something else to do.”

“Maybe he could try deep sea fishing and just stay the hell away from everyone,” Monroe added.

As of press time, Hinton had reportedly run 0.57 miles, lost his breath, and decided to instead imagine an entire relationship with Harding in his head.

Self-Care? This Woman Takes Three Excedrin Before Drinking

Posted on by Dom Turek

There’s a misconception that self-care only applies to wealthy people who can afford spa treatments and luxury vacations. When, in reality, it’s also available to destitute borderline alcoholics like this woman, who is changing the self-care game with her proactive solutions!

Self-care tends to take place in the aftermath of a stressful event, but not for this woman. She finds that taking action before disaster strikes is a much more effective means of optimizing self-care, which is why she’s washing a handful of Excedrin down with this Moscow Mule before she blacks out.

The trick is making small but meaningful gestures for yourself, like stocking up on Pedialyte before a night out or packing a few Adderall in your purse to help you sober up for that long drive home. Whether you’re having a few after-work cocktails with friends or are just stuck in an unbreakable cycle of binge drinking, taking a massive dose of acetaminophen to cushion the blow of your hangover is a true act of self-care, even if the warning label on the back of the bottle says it may increase your risk of developing stomach ulcers.

Follow her lead and you’ll thank yourself the next morning when you wake up headache-free on a bartender’s partially deflated air mattress. Not dealing with a debilitating migraine frees up the nervous system to focus on more pressing issues like, “Where did I park my car?” and “What day is it?” Personally, when the shame spiral starts to go into full effect, I like to treat myself to a self-love bloody Mary followed by an emotional-support Ambien, but feel free to mix and match based on your own self-care regimen.

Fully Furnished Punk House Comes With Guy Who Can’t Pay His Part Of The Rent

Posted on by Ryan Danley

SEATTLE — A local property management company announced they will begin offering fully furnished punk houses which will include a guy who eats all the food and crashes on the couch all the time without ever chipping for rent.

“When we furnish a punk house, we go all out. We aim for authenticity. We have burnt butter knives on the stove, beer cans on the coffee table and of course some dude named Resin who has money for records and tattoos but never money for his tiny portion of the rent ,” said property supervisor Sly Stanley. “This guy has everything a punk house needs; he eats your food, is loud at all hours of the night, and his girlfriend will be in the only bathroom for an hour in the morning even though she clearly has no job. Just another precision detail from us at Allin Homes.”

Tenant Steve “Steveo” Maltin has been thrilled with his rental.

“It’s great to be able to have a genuine punk experience without having to spend a bunch of years creating social capital. And having Resin here has been great. He doesn’t say a lot, or really do anything around the house, but he is literally always home. So I really don’t even need to lock the door,” said Maltin. “I mean, sometimes it’s a little interesting having him around. Like this time I lost this cool Discharge shirt, only to eventually notice Resin wearing it. Which was weird because he had helped me look for it for like an hour.”

Allin Properties development director, Mike Henry, has been encouraged by early numbers.

“Since we’ve had such an excellent response to this project, we’ve gone ahead and added multiple units across every town. All with their own specialty touches, but everyone gets a Resin. Fortunately, there seems to be an endless supply of dudes who want to sit around and be total shitbags,” said Henry. “Next year we’re expanding the entire punk line. We plan on renting out half running Ford Ecolines to bands and providing opportunities for women to hold their boyfriend’s jacket while they’re in the pit. Finally, the true punk experience will be accessible to all.”

Resin was unavailable for comment as his phone was turned off and he is currently using his roommates.

Dog Not Even First to Pee on Floor at Show

Posted on by Ken Taro

PITTSBURGH — Local dog and DIY show regular, Puffy, was spotted being among countless esteemed venue supporters who have been known to piss on the floor rather than a designated facility, sources report.

“I was just about to reach my favorite corner when I stepped in another puddle,” confirmed Puffy. “It could have been Yuengling, but I sniffed it just to be sure. It was pee. I was livid because everyone knows that’s my corner. The shittiest part is that I’m definitely gonna be the one who takes the blame for it, especially since that guy who always passes out and pisses himself isn’t here tonight. Whoever did it didn’t even have the decency to kick dirt over it or anything.”

Diamond Maybach, a resident at the house venue, alleged this was not the first time this has happened.

“We have corner pissers in here all the time,” revealed Maybach. “As soon as those freaks see the cluttered up corners of the unfinished basement down there they want to give each corner a golden shower. It’s like a dog seeing a fire hydrant. I much prefer when the dog does it because at least they aim it at just one spot on the wall so no one really has to worry about stepping in it.”

Show goer Dino Evans allegedly caught one of the human violators in the act.

“I wasn’t sure at first when I saw the guy in the corner because I thought he was just huffing something,” stated Evans. “But then, he walked by me, and I detected the unmistakable scent of hot piss. I was going to confront him, but I was almost dazed by the fumes because the dude must have had some asparagus for dinner or hasn’t had a sip of water all year or something. When I regained my composure, the guy was gone. I have Puffy’s back on this one the whole way.”

Maybach retorted that she had now decided to go with the flow and install drains in each corner of the venue.

Pregnant Punk Forced to Be Designated Driver

Posted on by Caroline Smith

BALTIMORE — Friends of local mom-to-be Vivian Wilburg have been taking advantage of her mandatory sobriety and using her as a designated driver since her second trimester, drunk-as-fuck sources confirmed.

“Viv being pregnant is saving me tons of money on Uber, and since I don’t have to take the bus anymore I haven’t been charged with assault for fighting a bus driver in weeks,” explained Wilburg’s boyfriend Eric Zapel with his eyes shining enthusiastically. “Plus, we’re spending more time together since she’s always the one taking me and the boys to the bar. She normally naps in the car while we get smashed, so she still gets her quiet time. That’s very important to the health of the baby, probably.”

Friends of the couple were initially surprised by Wilburg’s pregnancy, but now say they’re grateful for how much money it has saved them on ER visits and bail.

“When I first found out Viv was pregnant, I was disappointed because I just scored a bunch of acid and there is no way she’s going to want to do that now,” admitted longtime best friend Monica Nichols. “But this has been huge for the entire friend group. It’s been months since anyone has drunkenly crashed a skateboard, fallen down while chasing a raccoon, or gotten into a fight with their own reflection in a puddle while walking home. Viv is always there to give us a ride, and we got used to her complaining about her swollen feet.”

Wilburg was looking forward to making “tiny vests with safety pins and patches, and mobiles made out of bones from the street,” but confessed that she hasn’t been able to find the time.

“I’ve become everyone’s personal valet. I’d charge them for gas, but I know they don’t have any money,” said Wilburg while wearily rubbing her belly. “I thought I would have a lot more time to rest if I wasn’t at shows every night, although for some reason I’m at The Stinkhole more than ever. Which sucks, because it’s not the type of bar that you want to smell sober, even if you aren’t pregnant. To make matters worse, we let a band crash on our floor the other night and someone stole all of my anti-nausea pills and ginger ale for their hangover.”

At press time, Wilburg’s water had just broken but she had to call an Uber because no one was sober enough to take her to the hospital.

Stop Saying I’m in a Toxic Relationship. This Vat of Corrosive Acid Understands Me Better Than You Ever Could

Posted on by James Knapp

First of all, its name is Jeremy. And second, I don’t care if it can literally melt my skin while asphyxiating me to death if I stand too close to it. This bubbling vat of industrial acid is my soul mate.

Never you mind what all those chemical burns on my arms are from! Sometimes love hurts!

I know how this probably looks: it’s a noxious tub of volatile chemicals, I’m a part-time art student — we come from different worlds. But when we’re alone together and I remove the protective mylar cover that keeps all of the acid inside the vat, it just makes my heart melt.

Then I start to get really itchy and overheat, and then my eyes start to water and my tongue swells to the size of a Nerf football until I am incapable of controlling my rectum. After that, my heart actually does start melting.

It is not attempted murder! The vat loves me!

It understands my needs and my desires more than anyone I’ve ever known. Just because it’s not a traditional relationship, you feel entitled to slap labels on it like “toxic” and “carcinogenic.” Also, that actual bio-hazard label on the side of the vat. So judgmental.

Why don’t you just leave us alone? It’s my relationship, so I don’t really see why it’s any of your business in the first place. Yes, I know that vat is leaking now, but that’s none of your business either. Jeremy is still just figuring itself out. You act like you’ve never had any caustic sludge seep out of you before, hypocrite.

I just can’t take your negative energy anymore, it’s making me lightheaded and blurring my vision for some reason. Just leave already. I need to take a quick neutralizing chemical shower again.

And when we get married and have kids someday, don’t expect to get a call to be godparent to Vatty and Jeremy Jr.

Goth Blows Entire October Grocery Budget On Socks From Spirit Halloween Store

Posted on by Caroline Smith

HENDERSON, Nev. — Local goth Amarantha Obsidian blew her entire October grocery budget on novelty Halloween socks from Spirit Halloween Store, shocked friends and family confirmed.

“Halloween is the only time when I can stock up on clothes to wear for the entire year,” Obsidian said while pulling up her pant leg to show off socks with sparkly purple bats all over them. “Was it prudent to purchase thirty-one pairs of socks at $9.99 a pop? Maybe not, but how was I supposed to know that comes out to $319.68? Quality socks like these are totally worth having to forego things like bread, almond milk, or toilet paper.”

Obsidian’s family has expressed concern about the misguided sartorial purchase.

“There was one time in high school that Ama used all of her lunch money for the week to buy a latex mini-skirt from Hot Topic, but that is small potatoes compared to this lapse in judgment,” said Obsidian’s sister, Jackie Webber, while ignoring a call from Obsidian. “There she is now, probably trying to invite herself over for dinner. I already fell for it once, and she had the audacity to wear her brand new ‘Beetlejuice’ socks when she came over to hoover up two servings of lasagna. That much ricotta cheese doesn’t just pay for itself.”

Obsidian’s long-term partner, Lair Nightblood, said he was trying to be “as supportive as possible,” but admitted he struggles with the inverse relationship between the lack of food and the abundance of Halloween socks.

“Look, when Amarantha first came home from the Spirit Halloween Store, I was genuinely excited about her Slimer, Chuckie, Jason, Mike Meyers, and Stay Puft Marshmallow man socks. But then I realized that was just the first bag. And that there were many, many, many more bags that were lurking in the back of her closet,” said Lair while he wearily rubbed his face. “Ama has always claimed to be a feminist that pays her own way. Recently though, she has been making me pay every time we go out. The clown on her IT socks just looks like it’s mocking me at this point.”

At press time, Obsidian was being escorted away from a Halloween party for putting too many free cookies in her purse.

11 Strangest Music Urban Legends

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

The history of music is pretty wild, but that doesn’t stop people from coming up with some strange stories. Here’s 11 urban legends about music that are simply too freaky to be true.

“Paul is Dead”

the beatles

Legend is, you can hear John Lennon confirming that the Beatles bassist had been replaced by a lookalike on the spooky coda of “Strawberry Fields Forever.” However, in a 1980 interview, Lennon admitted that the surviving band members had fed McCartney’s corpse to Eric Clapton’s dogs and he only said he “buried” Paul to throw police off the scent.

“Something in the Air Tonight” is About Witnessing a Drowning

Phil Collins playing drums

While Phil Collins’ most famous song is indeed about a drowning, it’s actually about the time his band mates in Genesis, Peter Gabriel and Tony Banks, were horsing around and held him underwater in the pool for too long. Collins was clinically dead for almost three minutes, and came up with the iconic drum break as soon as he regained consciousness.

Prince Was a Person

OLD COMPUTER from the 80s

Get this, some people actually think “Prince” was a guy from Minnesota, of all places! However, recently declassified documents have now confirmed that classic tracks like “Sometimes It Snows in April” and “Kiss” were mathematical experiments by the Positronic Rational Intelligence Neural Computing Engine (or P.R.I.N.C.E.), before Project Purple Rain was shut down in 2016.

Marilyn Manson Was On “The Wonder Years”

Even if he was, fuck that guy.

The Devil Will Give You Incredible Guitar Skills in Exchange for Your Soul

This legend has been told about a lot of the great bluesmen, but the truth is, Satan will only teach you guitar for $15.99 a session (five session minimum).

American Pie is About Something

It’s long been rumored that Don McLean’s 1971 hit was symbolically about the history of rock ‘n roll and the accompanying cultural shifts in America. However, the singer has repeatedly debunked that notion, revealing that the “lyrics” of the nearly nine-minute song were the result of a drunken scatting session that went on way too long.

Chuck E. Cheese Started the Make-Believe Band After Getting Kicked Out of Metallica

Oh, c’mon, did you believe this? While Chuck E. Cheese briefly played rhythm guitar in a nascent Metallica, he left on good terms over artistic differences and regularly plays golf with Lars Ulrich.

Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon Syncs to Wizard of Oz

No, but Ummagumma does.

“Puff the Magic Dragon” Was Written by a Hitchhiker Who Was Actually a Ghost

Music buffs like to say Peter, Paul & Mary’s “Puff the Magic Dragon” was actually found scrawled on a piece of paper in the backseat of a car that picked up a hitchhiker who asked to be driven home but gave directions to what turned out to be a graveyard and then disappeared. But it wasn’t.

G Chord

Fanboys have obsessed for decades over the idea that a so-called “G” chord, composed of the notes G, B, and D, exists. But like so many urban legends, it’s just that: a legend.

Music Can Soothe a Troubled Soul

Nothing can actually give you solace but the embrace of Our Lord Jesus. Not alcohol, not carnal pursuits, not this sinful rock ‘n roll. Only Jesus.

Murderous Inbred Rural Family Tired Of Negative Portrayals In Horror

Posted on by Ryan Danley

SEAGRAVES, Texas — Local machete-wielding family of murderous butchers, the Fletchers, are rallying against Hollywood’s constant belittling of their macabre lifestyle, terrified sources report.

“Being an incestous, psycho, nuclear family is an American tradition. But all those Hollyweird movies act like we’re nothing but animals that want to kill people who wander into town. This is our culture. I don’t walk into your fancy California parties and tell you that you’re eating caviar wrong,” said the clan’s Father/Uncle Johansen Fletcher as he defrosted the human meat freezer. “I get that luring drunken college kids to a dilapidated house and eating their skin isn’t everyone’s bag. But we’re human beings and deserve to be treated as such.”

Far right blogger and current Fletcher family hostage, Chet Hawkins is a proud supporter of this classic way of living.

“I feel very fortunate to meet up with a fine American family like the Fletchers. Sure, a lot of global elites would look at me hanging here on this meat hook and expect me to be a nanny state loving commie. But if I didn’t want to be picked up off the side of the road and flayed alive by some grunting man-child wearing a skin mask I should have made sure to avoid the spike strip they set for me. This is about accountability folks,” yelled Hawkins over the sound of a rusty band saw. “A wise man once said I don’t have to agree with your opinion, but I will die for you to have it. And I am literally going to die for these people to have it. End cancel culture. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”

University of Alabama Cultural Studies professor Andrew Barnes, feels the plight of the isolationist family has been harmful to the fabric of society.

“The rural lifestyle has taken a beating over the years. They’ve never really recovered from ‘Deliverance.’ I mean you’re more likely to drown in your swimming pool than be killed by one of these families. I don’t see anyone trying to get an angry mob together to torch all swimming pools,” said Barnes. “We have to welcome these people back into the fold. Not push them further out. One sip of the Fletcher family mystery meat stew and you’ll see that these folks aren’t the boogeyman. The Boogeyman clan is in Mississippi.”

Mr. Fletcher was unavailable for further comment as he was busy sewing a quaint nipple belt for his Mom/Aunt’s birthday.

Club Bouncer Not Letting Delta Variant in Without Girls

Posted on by Camden Brazile

PITTSBURGH — A local bouncer at the popular nightclub Shotbar manned his post last night with the adamant mindset to keep the COVID-19 Delta Variant out unless it has at least two girls to bring in with it.

“Safety is our main concern above all else,” said bouncer Charlie Montagg. “Well, hot girls are probably our main concern, but safety is a close second. We would never put people in danger, but if a Delta variant particle pulled up in a stretch hummer with three models on each arm, it would be difficult to turn them away. We try to keep the ratio of at least two girls for every deadly virus mutation here, and I’ve had to toss out a few scraggly-looking COVID variants that are just here to cause trouble. We can only focus on the guy-to-girl ratio in the club, not the white blood cell ratio inside your body, that one is on you.”

Shotbar owner Michael Hannick commented on the nightclub’s policy regarding the Delta variant.

“I’m all for COVID restrictions… until they inconvenience my business literally in any way, that’s where I draw the line,” said Hannick. “I mean, what’s worse: a horrible pandemic that has a death toll in the millions, or a sausage fest? If I’m going to die a slow, painful ICU death, I might as well get some strange the night before. Sure, most of the girls we let in without masks or vaccination cards I’ll never see again, but trust me, the only thing we’re superspreading is a wild night out among adults looking to let loose.”

Pittsburgh Hospital Chief of Medicine Howard Grimly defended the club’s unorthodox admittance policy.

“We’ve started to implement the exact same idea in our emergency room — two girls for every guy,” Grimly said. “Now the coronavirus is the last thing on our patient’s minds, because they’re too busy chatting up all the hot singles. The other day an elderly man brought in his grandson who was sick but too young to get vaccinated, and we sent them packing. Can’t have those guys killing the vibe and have people leaving for another, cooler hospital.”

At press time, Shotbar management was forced to ban Delta Variant from the club after the virus exposed itself to several female members of the staff.