With Thanksgiving later this week, many of us will be spending time with family members we don’t see very often. Avoid these 12 conversation topics to make sure you have an enjoyable Holiday weekend.
By the time Thanksgiving arrives, most adults will either be vaccinated or dead. If someone at your dinner table is neither, they are living on borrowed time. So best not to ask unless you’re prepared for tearful goodbyes before pumpkin pie.
The Ending of Squid Game
It turns out there’s nothing really that controversial about a show full of murderous murdering murderers murdering at will unless it ends with someone who wasn’t murdered vowing to stop the murderers from murdering more murder victims. The ending has been divisive because fans who love murder wanted more murdering. Anyway, this is a topic to avoid because trying to prevent innocent people from being murdered really isn’t in the true spirit of Thanksgiving.
Your Dad’s Other Family That You Only Recently Learned Exists
They probably won’t be at your house, and it’s rude to talk about other people behind their backs. Besides, if your dad isn’t spending Thanksgiving with them, he loves you more. Don’t be so insecure.
The Creature in Midnight Mass
This supernatural being drinks human blood, avoids sunlight, and flies around with giant fucking bat wings, but fans of Mike Flanagan’s latest seem to be caught up in a debate about whether this killing machine is an angel or a vampire. That’s dumb because no one in the show ever actually says “vampire,” so by process of elimination he’s an angel. If you still need to talk about this, maybe try sitting at the kid’s table.
Whatever Happened To That Hitchhiker Your Mom Hit With The Family Car
Nothing can dampen the holiday mood like bringing up family trauma that everyone tries so hard to suppress with their various maladaptive coping mechanisms. Besides, criminal homicide has no statute of limitations and you don’t want to get charged as an accessory. Try asking Grandma how she gets her mashed potatoes so light and fluffy instead.
While Thanksgiving is certainly a time to reflect on the year’s events and think about what you should really be thankful for, some topics have been known to make people nauseous which can spoil an otherwise appetizing meal.
Who Would Play Jamie Spears If He Was a Character in Handmaid’s Tale
Who would actually want the role of one of the worst people on a show already full of really awful characters? Hypotheticals this extreme make for boring conversation. But if someone insists on talking about it, Mel Gibson could probably pull it off quite well.
Why Your Grandma Won’t Let Anyone Try One Of Those DNA Tests For Ethnicity And Genealogy
This topic will either result in feeling shame when your grandma inevitably says something racist, or start a really awkward exchange about how serial killers can get caught if their family members submit their own DNA for these things. Probably better to just let her ramble about your family being from whatever country she’s into lately despite the lack of evidence.
Seeing as how this conversation always inevitably leads to someone saying “what’s Apple TV?” and then asking for your login (which you’ve already stolen from your ex) it’s best to just keep your mouth shut here.
How You Want To Be Cremated Instead of Buried
This always starts fights because it invites relatives to make blockheaded jokes about how finishing a fifth of scotch before dinner means you might have a drinking problem. Expect inane little one-liners like, “I’m sure your body won’t have any problems igniting,” or “if you decide to get buried you probably won’t need to be embalmed.” And word to the wise, retorts like “I only need to drink this way around you” can result in treatment center referrals.
Your family has never come out to see you play, and they’re never going to. So just drop it, and bring it up in therapy if you really need to.
Total faux pas to mention it unless you brought enough for everyone. On the other hand, holding that much blow makes you look like a showoff, and your family will assume that you’re bringing more at Christmas. Don’t set yourself up for disappointing them again.