Press "Enter" to skip to content

5 Authentic Thanksgiving Recipes all Made From the Weakest Member of Your Family

It’s been said that hunger is the greatest spice, and while that may be true, we believe that authenticity is at least a close second. Thanksgiving is just around the corner and while boring “staples” like Stove Top stuffing, Ocean Spray cranberry sauce have become the norm, there’s no need to settle for mediocrity. Especially if someone in your family is pretty much just taking up space.

This year why not give your family an authentic, historically accurate culinary experience, while at the same time cutting down on the number of mouths you have to feed. Winter is coming, and your family must be strong if it is to survive. Here are 5 mouth-watering old-time Thanksgiving recipes made from who’s ever turn it is to be culled from the herd.

Candied Grams

Eating regular ole’ human flesh can be a bit traumatizing, and if we’re being honest, tastes a little plain. Why not cover up some of that grizzlyness and add some delightful sweetness by melting marshmallows on top of it in a casserole dish?!

And don’t let the name fool you! While the weakest member of your clan is statistically most likely to be your grandmother, this recipe works just as well with grandfathers, dads who have been in an accident, or even sickly children!

Long-Pig Sausage and Walnut Stuffing

We all know that when killing a family member for sustenance, sausage is the way to go. It utilizes the most parts and can be stored in the freezer in neat piles. But did you know you can turn your kin’s sacrifice into one of the most scrumptious side dishes you’ve ever had?

Just add it to store-bought stuffing mix with some ground walnut, onions, and celery, and voila! A stuffing so delicious and savory you’ll almost forget it contains someone you once loved but now must forget all about.

Mashed Butt-tatoes
Okay, you got me, this one I made up myself, but hear me out — it rules.

I had ordered some BBQ takeout a few months back and the driver must have gone off roading or something because my food was in complete disarray. Luckily it turned out to be a happy accident, because that’s when I discovered that pulled pork and mashed potatoes go AMAZING together. And then I thought “Hey, I should do this with the ass-meat of whatever relative I kill for Turkey day!”

Human Skull Centerpiece
It’s not just about what parts of your loved one you can eat. When taking a human life, you want to use the whole buffalo. The skull makes an excellent addition to a decorative cornucopia, or can function as a centerpiece all on it’s own! In a way, it’s like that person is still there with you, watching you enjoy them!

Green beans, but With Human Flesh

Look you get this by now right? Cook food with people in it. Survive!