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I Support All Mom and Pop Stores except for My Family Business Because Fuck You Mom and Dad

Large corporations are demon tanks running on pure capitalism, emotionlessly bulldozing all we have worked to build as a society. In this time more than ever, it is our duty as a people to take back our streets, our economy, and our businesses. This Black Friday, don’t go to a big chain store for your shopping/assault spree. Hell, even after this Friday we should stick to buying from independent “mom and pop” stores. Except for my family’s store because fuck my mom and dad for making me work tonight.

Mom and pop stores are essential to maintaining the American way of life. Sure, big chain stores like Walmart and Target are great when you need something cheap or in a pinch, but without independent options, our entire town’s economy and job market could end up revolving around these big businesses. We need to shop locally and independently. But if you see a sign for Johnston Family Coffee Co., don’t give them a fucking dollar. In fact, throw a brick through the goddamn window. Just try not to get any glass on me while I’m WORKING TONIGHT.

Oh, and they also took my sick-ass ripped-up jeans and tailored them into dumb long shorts. My parents are as evil as any corporation. They’re like the Waltons if the Waltons they were broke and had to shop at Walmart.

As a people, we need to draw a line in the sand stick to our guns. We need to say “no!” to supporting big businesses and my parents. We need to take back the power we’ve let slip through our fingers and put an end to this tyranny. No more monopolies! No more exploitation of labor! And most importantly no more making me work tonight, I had fucking plans with my friends, mom, GAWD!