Supposedly, God is full of such benevolent, unconditional love that he created the universe and mankind in His image. They say He loves all His creations, but if that’s true, then why do I have Motley Crüe’s “Dr. Feelgood” instead of hands?
If God’s love is eternal, then why can’t I hold my wife or embrace my daughter? What kind of cruel God punishes one of his creations in such a way? Maybe this is punishment for humankind’s hatred of the Lord or something, but I don’t see why he needs to take it out on me alone!
People ask me to perform the simplest tasks for them, but then they look at me in horror upon remembering that I have copies of Mötley Crüe’s “Dr. Feelgood” instead of hands.
My coworkers love to give me grief during presentations. They laugh and whisper when I try to operate the laser-pointer. I’ve been assigned coffee duty for three months now. I can’t even write down people’s orders, let alone carry them through the door. They point and laugh at me when the drinks topple out of my hands and onto the floor. I feel alone in my struggles, but when I walk through the sand, and I only see one pair of footsteps, I know it’s because Nikki Sixx carried me. Jesus left me a long, long time ago.
I ask God every day to grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, but it’s so hard when your own mother says “Let’s all give Dr. Feelgood a big hand,” every time you drop another plate in the kitchen.
Most people think I can easily satisfy my wife in bed since I have the greatest album from the most sexual, raunchy, orgasm-inducing hair metal band where my hands should be. I ask these people, “Do you even hear yourself?” I don’t even like Mötley Crüe, who even listens to them anymore? My wife’s love comes in spite of, not because of, these “sick ass hands bro.”
It’s bad enough that I’m forever cursed with never being able to clap at my daughter’s dance recital, but it’s also hard being living proof that the creator of the universe gets off to hair metal and probably cruises around heaven in a van with a wizard painted on it.
When you have two copies of “Dr. Feelgood” instead of hands, it’s hard to know what people’s motives are. My best friend of 16 years asked me to not only be the best man at his wedding, but also to sing at the reception. I approached the stage, handed a backing track to the DJ, and opened my mouth to sing, but then I was booed off the stage when the music for “The Way You Look Tonight” started playing. My best friend shouted, “We wanted ‘Kickstart My Heart,’ asshole!”
It’s not easy living life cursed by a dudebro God, but my life isn’t so different from yours. I put my pants on one leg at a time; spitefully and with a lot of difficulty, just like everyone else.