Immortal has no bad albums and in many ways they are the total package. They’ve been around long enough to have real cred. They’re from…
Black Metal Musician Mortified That Coworkers Enjoyed His Music
ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local black metal artist Aortic Burst was humiliated yesterday when his coworkers listened to, and subsequently legitimately loved, his music, well-meaning sources…
Every Children of Bodom Album Ranked Worst to Best
While everyone remembers the day the ‘90s died (September 11th, 2001), very few remember the day the ‘80s died, December 27th, 2020. On top of…
Norwegian Black Metal Band Holds Viking Funeral for Bassist Who Is Still Very Much Alive
BERGEN, Norway — Norwegian black metal band Benevolent Mouthfuck held a viking funeral for their bassist Erik “Zerononymous” Hansen even though he was still alive…
Ambitious Black Metal Band Visits U.S. To Burn Down Megachurch
HOUSTON — Self-starter Norwegian black metal band Necrocide flew to America with the goal of setting fire to a Megachurch, sources confirmed. “We’ve been burning…
TROLLSTIGEN, Norway — Teenage punks Xavier Martinez and Sydney Black were shocked to discover that the address of a house show would only be revealed…
Aging Metalhead Feeling Pathetic After Hearing Darkthrone’s “Summer of the Diabolical Holocaust” in the Grocery Store
ARLINGTON, Va. — Ryan Trent, a lifelong metalhead in his late 40s, is having a crisis of identity after hearing Darkthrone’s black metal scorcher “Summer…
FRENCH LICK, Ind. — Local black metal parents Suzanne and Dmitri Ubnatern are persistent in asking their 30-year-old daughter to give them grandchildren to metaphorically…
BERGEN, Norway — American black metal band Shadows Over Mirkwood embarked on a two-week tour of Norway in search of artistic inspiration and a healthcare…
Scandinavian Actor Can’t Remember Which Skarsgård He Is
LOS ANGELES — A tall, blonde-ish actor with Scandinavian roots based in Hollywood is struggling to remember which Skarsgård family member he is, according to…
Embarrassing: Black Metal Band Unaware They Have Death Metal Name
OSLO, Norway — Members of the black metal band Flesheating Cadaver are reportedly entirely unaware that they have accidentally chosen a death metal name, vicariously…
Norwegian Black Metal Olympic Team Nails the Standing Around Aimlessly in the Snow-Ridden Woods Event
BEIJING — Norway added another gold medal in the 2022 Winter Olympic Games when their team of Black Metal musicians dominated the Standing Around in…
TAMPA, Fla. — Norwegian black metal band Emyn Arnen were seen wandering into a JCPenney store after spotting a prominent Black Friday sign in the…
Burzum Accidentally Brought Up on First Date
SEATTLE — Perpetually single man Conner Turner ruined a promising first date last Friday when he brought up the infamous Norwegian Black Metal one-man solo…
OSLO, Norway — Local guitarist Evan “Blood Vacuum” Brulend upset his bandmates yesterday when a filtering mishap revealed his corpse paint stopped just below his…