TROLLSTIGEN, Norway — Teenage punks Xavier Martinez and Sydney Black were shocked to discover that the address of a house show would only be revealed if they could solve the riddle of a mischievous bridge troll, sources confirmed.
“Syd and I like to hang out at this underground venue that posts flyers for basement shows. When we went last weekend, I noticed that someone put up this old-timey scroll with a hand-drawn map. That should have been a sign something was off, but at the time we just thought the DIY aesthetic looked cool. And since we go to house shows all the time, we’re used to putting in some work to get an address. So we didn’t really notice that anything was wrong until the map led us to…Norway? I think that’s where we are,” said Martinez, while gazing around bewilderedly. “We climbed mountains and swam across fjords for days, and then we found the bridge. We tried to cross it, but a troll crawled out from underneath it and screamed a riddle at us.”
Bridge troll and local menace Grug Gruggerston confirmed Martinez’s claims.
“The young ones seek the location of the musical festival, where it is foretold that the chosen few will then dance angrily in a circular fashion and make merry. But I shall not allow it! Unless they are able to prove they are worthy by solving my despicable riddle!” Gruggerston cackled, while maliciously rubbing his gross little hands together. “Answer me this, humans: what is black, white, and Scandinavian all over?”
Troll behaviorist Erik Jorgenson confirmed that this isn’t unusual behavior for bridge trolls, to an extent.
“The traditional ritual of bridge trolls protecting house show addresses has existed for centuries. And it’s easy to see why: no one likes complete strangers just showing up at their house,” explained Jorgenson. “So I’ve seen this sort of situation before. That being said, I’ve come across Grug many times in my years of study. After several years of extensive research, my colleagues and I can confirm that he just sucks. He is a nasty little guy, and he ruins absolutely everything.”
At press time, sources confirmed that the teens gave up on the riddle and went home in order to crowdsource information on Instagram instead.