BERGEN, Norway — Norwegian black metal band Benevolent Mouthfuck held a viking funeral for their bassist Erik “Zerononymous” Hansen even though he was still alive and well, sources close to the band confirmed.
“A simple church burning would have sufficed,” Benevolent Mouthfuck vocalist Olav “The Unclean” Haugen mused while nosing a 40-year tawny port. “I could have just showered my worthless fans with sheep blood, or some virginal piss. But burying your perfectly healthy yet utterly useless bass player in a Norse-inspired firestorm of flaming arrows as he poses atop a floating funeral pyre because you’ve tricked him into thinking it’s a photo shoot for the next demo cassette cover? Now that, my false bitches, is how you jerk off Satan and Odin in a single stroke.”
Hansen recounted what it was like to unknowingly attend his own funeral.
“I sensed something strange was afoot when I was the only band member picked for the pyre, which was basically a pool float with some sticks and garbage,” Hansen said, redressing a third-degree burn. “The Unclean started shooting flaming arrows, which was truly badass, until I caught fire, that is. Then I saw the band fleeing for the woods and I pissed my leathers, because in addition to not knowing how to play bass, I also can’t swim. Luckily the rubber raft melted before I did, and the pond was only three feet deep, so I just walked to shore. Man, I was really excited to be on that cover, but even more excited to not be buried alive.”
Jakob Pederson, a professor of Viking and Medieval Norse Studies at the University of Oslo, distinguished historical fact from fiction.
“Look, Norse funerals were typically held for Viking soldiers heroically killed in battle,” Pederson explained. “And even though ‘The 13th Warrior’ is the best movie ever made, few if any burials actually occurred at sea, and certainly not for someone who’s never seen war and is still very much fucking alive. While this might be the most blatant bastardization of the ritual to date, I honestly can’t think of anything more heroic than purging the world of another bass player, especially one of the black metal persuasion. I mean, are those guys even plugged in?”
At press time, unbeknownst to the band, Hansen rejoined Benevolent Mouthfuck as his own replacement, but under a different pseudonym and paler shade of corpse paint.