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Norwegian Black Metal Olympic Team Nails the Standing Around Aimlessly in the Snow-Ridden Woods Event

BEIJING — Norway added another gold medal in the 2022 Winter Olympic Games when their team of Black Metal musicians dominated the Standing Around in the Woods event once again, awe-struck Olympics attendees confirmed.

“This performance was one for the ages. The sheer gracefulness, plus the mix of awkward positioning and the pointless gesturing they did towards the cameras really showed why this event is so popular,” said Victor Emanuel, one of the judges in the event. “There are a lot of factors we have to take into consideration when we look at the athletes perform. The most important is how each individual comes together to act as a group. If you have four guys squatting and screaming at the same time it can really ruin it for you. They have a great coach and their leather outfits were top-notch this year, they deserved the gold.”

Jim Macdonald, head of the silver medal Canadian Speed Metal team, was disappointed in the result.

“We thought we had the gold this time for sure,” said MacDonald. “We took some risks this year that didn’t end up paying off. I don’t regret having the entire team pose with a giant axe, but we probably would have scored higher if we used a standard battle sword. We sacrificed a lot to be here, especially our drummer who held an amazing ‘evil invisible orb’ pose with his fingerless gloves for so long, that he ended up getting a nasty bit of frostbite. I gotta hand it to those Norwegian guys, they earned this, but we will be back stronger than ever in 2026.”

Leading member of the winning team, Bügnör, explains how elated he was to be crowned as this year’s gold medalist in the event.

“I’ve dreamed about this day for a long time. The Norwegian team has led the way to victory for 66 wins! It took our team a lot of blood, sweat and runny corpse paint to be able to perform the way we did,” said Bügnör. “We must’ve done 24 photoshoots just this past year in preparation. When they put those giant, golden upside crosses around our necks, I felt a sense of trve pride that can only be matched by the sight of your own first church fire.”

After press time, the Norwegian Black Metal team expressed disappointment with Covid restrictions that prevented the team from celebrating with a customary suicide and subsequent drinking of the deceased’s blood.