HOUSTON — Self-starter Norwegian black metal band Necrocide flew to America with the goal of setting fire to a Megachurch, sources confirmed.
“We’ve been burning down local modestly sized houses of worship for years, but we believe we’re talented and experienced enough to take things to the international stage,” said lead singer Jurgen Trenton. “To express extreme power, reawaken Odin, and return the world to a Pagan state, we must target the largest Christian edifice—the Lakeland Church in Houston, Texas, America. We’ve even added a third and fourth guitarist to have enough labor to pull off this expedition. Consider them touring musicians, even though we weren’t able to book any shows during our stay here.”
Despite Trenton’s lofty aspirations, burning the Lakeland Church poses numerous challenges to would-be arsonists.
“Even with all the blessings bestowed upon me and the church’s parishioners, the Lord challenges us with external threats against our gospel and our wonderful physical church,” said Lakeland Church Pastor Joel Osteen. “The devil has sent ne’er do wells to destroy us before in the form of immigrants and flood refugees, and we have persevered. The Lord is on our side, supplying us with a police auxiliary post, a fully tax-exempt private security force, and state-of-the-art fire suppression system. Let us not forget that God’s Earthly representative Governor Greg Abbott ensures me that the Texas National Guard will be instantly dispatched to smite any unwanted visitors on the grounds.”
Necrocide is not the first black metal act to attempt arson on an American house of worship.
“I sincerely wish them luck on this unholy endeavor. There are unexpected challenges when embarking on any sort of tour. We had no problem getting gunpowder from the Sky Arsenal Fireworks Warehouse, but we lacked the proper identification papers to procure a rental van and fertilizer,” said Angus Funte of the Finnish band Coagulance who once traveled to Oklahoma for this exact reason. “Unable to properly set the church ablaze, we went to menace and terrorize the parishioners with our black robes and corpse paint. The church was actually hosting a gun show in the parking lot, and the people there were surprisingly very cool. They shared our views on racial purity and the truth about the reptilians controlling the New World Order. We easily acquired firearms and sick paramilitary gear. I just wish we brought our instruments so we could’ve played some shows.”
At press time, the band revealed that if they fail to scorch the megachurch they will pivot to burning down one of those venomous snake-handling chapels.