ARLINGTON, Va. — Ryan Trent, a lifelong metalhead in his late 40s, is having a crisis of identity after hearing Darkthrone’s black metal scorcher “Summer of the Diabolical Holocaust” while shopping at Harris Teeter, worried friends reported.
“It’s disturbing to hear music you once thought was iconoclastic and edgy used as background music while buying cereal,” admits Trent, who regularly vacations in Norway and Sweden to visit beloved metal record stores. “As I was rounding the canned vegetables aisle, the Wallflower’s ‘One Headlight’ was finishing up, which makes sense for grocery store radio. Then I heard the explosive beginning of ‘Summer of the Diabolical Holocaust’ with Noctruno Culto shrieking his head off, and stopped in my tracks. ‘No, no, this can’t be’ I muttered. But it was. It was true…”
Employees at the Arlington grocery store claim they are slowly being driven mad by the banal tunes played over the store’s PA system.
“Uggh, I’m so sick of all this ersatz boomer music, like Bob Seger, Melissa Etheridge, and Darkthrone. I’m tempted to stab some Pocky sticks into my ears so I go deaf in order to escape this pointless noise,” exclaimed cashier Marissa Wright, who was recently reprimanded for playing 100 Gecs over the store PA. “‘Summer of the Diabolical Holocaust’ plays like twice per day, I can’t believe that people thought it was cool at one point in time. All I hear is bland, boring waiting room music. I bet they already use it in a Cialis commercial.”
Members of Darkthrone expressed surprising emotions at having their once-irreverent music being used as sonic filler in public.
“It’s fucking great! I get some extra royalties and still never have to play a live show as long as I live,” boasted founding member and drummer Fenriz. “The older I get, the more I appreciate just chilling out. When I was a teen, it was all hate and setting churches on fire. Nowadays, I’m more into techno, raw denim, and perfecting my pour-over coffee technique. Let the kids worry about being edgy and kvlt, I have some Ethiopian yirgacheffee beans to try.”
Those close to Trent report he has cut off all communication with the outside world after learning that Taylor Swift has been covering Mayhem’s “De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas” in her recent concerts.