LOS ANGELES — A tall, blonde-ish actor with Scandinavian roots based in Hollywood is struggling to remember which Skarsgård family member he is, according to equally bewildered sources.
“This is really quite embarrassing, but there’s just way too many of us doing the same exact thing to even keep track,” remarked the unidentified Nordic thespian while practicing lines for his upcoming role as a vaguely European serial killer. “I live in a studio apartment, so I’m pretty sure I’m not one of the more successful Skarsgårds, like Alexander or Stellan. Perhaps I am the lesser known Swedish character actor and classical flutist Ploofhoven Skarsgård? I knew I should’ve splurged for an IMDbPro account.”
Despite an exhaustive search of film production records, sources were still unable to determine where the unknown actor fits within the extended Skarsgård family tree.
“He’s pale, bookish, and vaguely creepy, and he played the main villain in a major Marvel movie, but that doesn’t really narrow things down,” noted Variety reporter Sydney Kwan. “Unfortunately, there’s no shortage of northern European actors who have thrived in Hollywood playing various detached, sinister roles. In fact, he may not be a Skarsgård at all, but just that loser Peter Sarsgaard. He’s a bit worn looking, so he might even be a holdover from an earlier era. I haven’t ruled out that he’s actually an extremely malnourished Dolph Lundgren.”
in desperate need of assistance, the actor decided to reach out to the Swiss Embassy, and, more importantly, IKEA.
“Many people think we just sell modular, modernist furniture and meatballs, but we actually fulfill a multitude of roles in Swedish society,” explained Knutstorp Vokrupenham, IKEA’s Chief Forensic Investigator. “We requested a DNA sample from the actor in question and we will work tirelessly to identify which Skarsgård he is. At that point, like all Swedish citizens, he will be required to pay off his debt with three years in one of our labor camps assembling bunk beds and shelving units.”
As of press time, the still unidentified actor was working closely with Christian Bale to help prepare him for his upcoming starring role in a film about the life and times of Ploofhoven Skarsgård.