Trump Asks Doctors How Long Until Ivanka Can Sit on His Lap Again

Posted on by Jason VanSlycke

BETHESDA, Md. — President Donald Trump is recovering from COVID-19 symptoms and home from the hospital where he keeps asking doctors when he can have his daughter, Ivanka, sit on his lap again.

“The President has been an exemplary patient while he’s been under our care,” reports White House doctor Sean Conley. “He’s been eating all the ice cream he can and reminding us that we can’t have any because we’re not the President, which is the Donald Trump we all know and are contractually obligated to love. He’s also been asking about how soon it will be until his beloved daughter and the subject of his less depraved sexual fantasies, Ivanka, will be able to sit on his lap again. He really seems to be on the mend.”

Donald Trump’s biological child in question, Ivanka Trump, is well-known for enduring multiple public moments of intimacy with her father.

“It’s embarrassing, for sure, and would probably be demoralizing if I had any sense of morality,” recalled Ivanka Trump. “Those creepy statements on Howard Stern are enough to send a normal child to therapy but fortunately my brothers and I all had the self-consciousness gene inbred out of us on our dad’s side. To be honest, I was kinda excited to hear about his COVID diagnosis because it would give us time apart but then I realized I need the attention from obviously broken men. Luckily I have Jared.”

According to the average scientist it is not advisable for anyone to sit on the lap of a recently diagnosed COVID patient.

“There’s a lot of factors at play here. You have to consider if the patient is still shedding the virus and even if they’re not they might still have reduced lung capacity that would make it inadvisable to put any weight on your body,” said Dr. Anthony Fauci. “There’s also the questionable act of an almost forty year-old person sitting on the lap of someone nearly twice their age, and who is related to them and has made it publicly known that they want to fuck them. From a scientific and biomedical perspective, it’s dangerous, and from a psychological standpoint, it’s just fucking weird.”

At press time, no one still wants Eric Trump on their lap.

Oscars Add Performative Allyship Category

Posted on by Ryan Danley

LOS ANGELES — The Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences will add a Performative Allyship category for next year’s ceremony to celebrate actors who made the best public show of “wokeness,” sources patting themselves on the back confirmed.

“At the Academy Awards, we are always looking for new opportunities to celebrate great acting. And now, we will be finally able to award those actors bringing genuine depth and gravity to a ‘Defund Police’ post from their toilet after an all-night coke bender,” said Lisa Saltan, Director of Diversity for the Academy. “And with our new, hollow devotion to inclusivity, we may just give this award to ourselves.”

Hollywood was immediately abuzz following the announcement, with many speculating on who may win the inaugural award.

“It’s certainly a crowded field this year — there are so many great virtue signaling performances in Tinseltown in 2020,” said Entertainment Weekly editor Curt Salin. “As a dark horse, I really like Lea Michele for her Black Lives Matter tweet… or Karlie Kloss’ incredibly glib ‘End Racism’ tweet. And who could forget Gal Gadot’s tone deaf ‘Imagine’ video? But it’s impossible to deny that this will be Ellen’s year: her ‘For Things to Change, They Must Change’ tweet was truly the meaningless platitude of our time.”

Beyond the glory and glitz of Hollywood, Sarah Eggers, President of the Centrist Movement Alliance, claimed that these worthless deeds have been overlooked for too long.

“We are so proud to finally see Performative Allyship getting the accolades it deserves,” said Eggers. “It’s really at the heart of our movement — it’s an incredible skill to be able to know when to post a political meme that shows you’re a progressive humanitarian, but not so early that you rock the boat and question the status quo. And of course, having the right kinds of opinions is key to successfully managing your online brand.”

Sean Penn was too busy to comment, as he was too busy pulling children out of a collapsed mine in Guadalajara, Mexico, according to his spokesperson.

Man Who Claims to Be “Vegan Except for Pussy” is 100% Vegan

Posted on by James Knapp

RUTLAND, Vt. — Local eco-douchebag Morgan Lence is reportedly living a completely vegan lifestyle, despite his claim to be a “total carnivore” when it comes to “eating vagina,” thoroughly unsatisfied sources confirmed.

“I treat my body like a temple — that means no meat and no dairy. But on occasion, I do cheat when I feel like slurping some sweet, sloppy snatch,” said Lence, within earshot of a noticeably revolted woman. “It’s a weakness of mine, I know, but as a man, I can only be sustained by radishes for so long before I just gotta lick on a nice, slick clam.”

Farmers’ market shopper Whitney Giordino overheard Lence add that he “only eats cage free muff.”

“At first I just thought he was joking. Like, it wasn’t funny, but I still thought it was a joke, because why else would anyone say that in public at 10:30 a.m.?” explained Giordino while avoiding eye contact by pretending to be interested in some nearby organic pears. “As soon as I realized he was serious, I just dropped what I was going to buy and walked the fuck away from there. After hearing the stuff that guy said, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at hummus the same way ever again.”

Despite Lence’s assertion, longtime friend Alice Tennent refuted his claim of being “a real snatch addict.”

“We’ve been friends for a long time, and if he’s not going on and on about how being vegan is so virtuous, then he’s trying to hit on some woman by telling her that the ‘only red meat he eats is beef curtains,’” she said. “Honestly, I feel bad for him sometimes. I know for a fact that none of these lines work, and he’s been one of the most strict vegans I’ve ever met for like, seven years. That’s seven completely vagina-free years for the guy. He might as well start eating steak every day since he’s clearly not getting any protein from ‘fishing the tuna net,’ or whatever his little phrase is.”

Lence also claims to adhere to the straight edge principle of “no casual hookups” unless “anyone would be into that sort of thing, or like, whatever.”

The Pandemic Closed My Indie Theater but It Didn’t Help That I Only Screened “Bio-Dome”

Posted on by Jonah Nink

It is with a heavy heart that I must announce that I was forced to close my beloved indie movie theater. I’ve done all I could, but movie theaters and pandemics simply do not mix. It also didn’t help that the only film I screened at my theater was the 1996 Pauly Shore Slapstick Comedy “Bio-Dome.”

It’s hard to even remember life before the pandemic anymore. Every day I’d wake up just in time for our 10:00 a.m. screening of “Bio-Dome.” Then after lunch, I would watch our 12 p.m. screening of “Bio-Dome.” After that, I would normally catch the 2 p.m., 4 p.m., 6 p.m., and 8 p.m. screenings of “Bio-Dome.” Then I would round out the night with our 10 p.m. screening of “Bio-Dome.” Our theater really had something for everyone.

But it wasn’t always smooth sailing. Some of our customers suggested that we should screen a film other than “Bio-Dome.” I told them that if they don’t appreciate high-cinema then they should go find another movie theater. Attendance started to drop, and pretty soon we were struggling to stay open. I guess nobody has that “Bio-Dome” spirit anymore.

Once the pandemic hit we tried to stay connected with customers by hosting virtual screenings of “Bio-Dome,” but it just doesn’t translate to Zoom I guess. “Bio-Dome” is meant to be experienced in the theater with friends and loved ones.

But not even a masterpiece like “Bio-Dome” can help the fact that I’m closer to putting a bio-hole-through-my-skull than I’d like to admit. The only thing keeping me going at this point is my framed photo of Pauly Shore and my 37 boxes of “Bio-Dome” merch. Anytime I’m bummed out I just look down at my t-shirt and remember that just because we’re stuck in a bubble (quarantine) doesn’t mean we can’t cause any trouble.

Don’t lose hope! The insurance money I got from my theater’s totally accidental fire has given me enough capital to start my own “Bio-Dome” streaming service. Now you can watch “Bio-Dome” anywhere at any time, all for the low low price of $17.99 a month.

FDA Forces Blackstreet to Disclose Song May Contain Trace Amounts of Diggity

Posted on by John Danek

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The U.S. Food and Drug Administration has forced R&B group Blackstreet to disclose that their 1996 hit song “No Diggity” may actually contain trace amounts of diggity.

“While we at the FDA respect Blackstreet and their commitment to exquisitely crafted R&B hits, we concluded that the title of their song ‘No Diggity’ makes false claims and must be changed, effective immediately,” said FDA Commissioner Stephen Hahn. “No recording studio, vintage tape recorder, or expensive vacuum tube compressor can effectively remove all diggity from the environment. Simply stated, unless you have a dedicated, diggity-free chamber, there’s always going to be some diggity contamination. It is our duty to ensure that the consumer is aware of the risk.”

While the members of Blackstreet are understandably dismayed at the ruling, they still stand by their signature tune.

“This is yet another blatant example of government overreach. Doesn’t the FDA have some horrible pandemic to solve?” argued founding Blackstreet member Teddy “Street” Riley. “We refuse to take the song out of setlists, but I guess we have to rename it. ‘Trace Amounts of Diggity’ is way too long. ‘Some Diggity?’ No. God, no.”

“‘A Tidbit of Diggity?’” he later added. “I kind of like the ring of that.”

However, emergency room doctors report they’re still seeing patients exposed to dangerous amounts of diggity.

“Just when you think the song is going to die down, it gets added to another ‘I Love the 90s!’ Spotify playlist, or it’s in some Rob Schneider movie trailer,” explained Dr. Mindy Antonello, emergency room doctor at Holy Cross Hospital. “I’ve always referred to diggity as the silent killer. While other parents make snide comments, I ensure my daughter abides by a diggity-free diet, and whenever we fly, I call ahead and ask the airline to make sure nobody brings any diggity on the flight.”

In related news, the FDA also declared that Bell Biv DeVoe must include a disclaimer with all digital copies of their song “Poison,” indicating that it may contain chemicals known to be harmful in the state of California.

Tony Stark Announces Plan to Reverse Climate Change with Big Honkin’ Laser

Posted on by Seth Finkelstein

NEW YORK —  Billionaire industrialist Tony Stark announced a proposal today that would solve the ongoing climate crisis by shooting a big ol’ honkin’ laser at the planet, sources say.

“As Iron Man, I’ve saved the world from forces that would destroy our world using only my sweet-ass lasers and the occasional missile,” Stark said, standing next to a freakin’ huge prototype of the big ol’ laser. “But the global threat of climate change isn’t something you can just shoot a unibeam at. That’s why I’ve built an even bigger Unibeam that I’m gonna throw up into the atmosphere and let it ride!”

Speaking for the United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change, Lead Scientist Anders Johannson praised Stark for his contribution. 

“Our data shows that the warming climate will lead to larger natural disasters, ecosystem collapse, and a mass influx of refugees from affected areas. Our world governments agree that this stuff is totally lame and a bit of a snooze-fest, so it’s so exciting to see Tony Stark making a kick-ass laser blaster that will cool down the Earth and go pew-pew-pew at the same time.”

Stark shared more details about the technology powering the massive laser to a rapt crowd. “With the onboard Artificial Logistics Global Operations Raygun Executable A.I system, or A.L.G.O.R.E., this laser beam will be shot at the perfect angle to cool the earth by 1o Celsius and look like a sweet Led Zeppelin laser light show.”

Social media trends suggest Stark’s reveal has overshadowed Pym Industries’ recent announcement of a widdle itty-bitty baby laser for babies that will solve world hunger.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Speedrunner Doesn’t Believe Girlfriend’s Tool-Assisted Orgasm Valid

Posted on by Dave Cross

SACRAMENTO — Video game speedrunner Ashton Clemens insisted that a significant portion of his girlfriend’s orgasms were completed incorrectly, arguing that manual orgasms with non-modified equipment should be the only kind that belong “on the leaderboard.”

“Running BizHawk to complete a game is exactly like completing an orgasm with a Hitachi Magic Wand,” Clemens argued. “Tool-assisted runs, by their nature, do not deserve to be in the same orbit. They should be invalidated in favor of manual runs, to be performed or validated by an official. In this case, me.”

Clemens insisted no tool could replace the dexterity, skill and practice required for manual completion. 

“That level of dedication can’t compare to the simple act of pressing a button. And just ONE button push, at that.”

TASVideos, the primary resource for tool-assisted runs, responded with a statement. 

“The TASVideos community respectfully disagrees with Mr. Clemens’ assertion. Carefully-tuned tools can provide just as much, if not more enjoyment than manual manipulation,” said their spokesperson. “In our community, videos that showcase elaborate tool-assisted completions are viewed, appreciated, favorited and re-watched as much as manual interaction videos. People can’t get enough of the stuff.”

When briefed on the details of the dispute between Clemens and his girlfriend, TASVideos pulled back, refusing to comment further.

“Wait,” said the spokesperson, “we’re talking about video games, right?”

Clemens disagreed vehemently with the criticism.

“Who said anything about enjoyment? We’re not talking about how one method provides a quicker, more fulfilling, satisfying, pleasurable and intense experience than the other,” said Clemens, scowling at her drawer of exploits and emulators. “This isn’t about the choice she prefers far more often. This is about categories and rules.”

Pressed for her opinion on the matter, Clemens’ girlfriend Kristin Baker was resolute. 

“Maybe if he could fuck as well as he splices videos of runs, he wouldn’t have this problem.”

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Pornstar Gets “Step Mom” Tattoo

Posted on by Daniel Menegaz

SIMI VALLEY, Calif. — Up-and-coming male pornstar Dixon Nixon was seen online early Friday morning flashing a brand new flash tattoo of a heart and banner reading, “Step Mom,” horny sources reported.

“I wanted to do something to honor her, considering how much she’s done for me,” said the 27-year-old Nixon, who was born Jackson Nichols. “All the times she tutored me in tight blouses, woke me up on time in sexy and creative ways, and made sure I got to school without a massive boner really made a difference. I probably wouldn’t have graduated community college without her getting stuck in the washing machine or the doggy door all the time.”

Once Nixon decided to get a tattoo, he took pains to make certain the artistic tribute was worthy of its muse.

“At first, I was considering getting a photorealistic portrait of my stepmom,” Nixon explained. “But then I remembered I film like, four stepmom scenes a month, each with a different woman, and realized I had to rethink my tattoo. I love all my stepmoms equally, and getting only one of their sweet racks tattooed on my ass wouldn’t be fair to the rest. That’s why I went with the classic, bannered-heart design: It’s abstract enough to honor every MILF I’ve had, or will have, the honor of motorboating.”

For his part, Nixon’s tattoo artist was perplexed by the commission.

“It was weird. This insanely beefy man with a goatee and the worst jewelry I’ve ever seen comes into my shop and asks me to add the word ‘step’ to his ‘mom’ tattoo,” said Andrew Kaplan, a Los Angeles-based tattoo artist. “But everything makes sense knowing he’s a pornstar. Nobody else likes their stepmom, let alone loves them enough to get a dedication tattoo, unless she’s banging them quietly next to her giant-dicked sleeping husband who is definitely gay.”

Nixon is allegedly considering a companion tattoo dedicated to his stepsister.

Metal Realtor Stoked to Show Buyers Where Murder Happened in New Home

Posted on by Ashley Naftule

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Local realtor Aaron “Shredder” Dukowski can’t wait to show potential buyers exactly where a gruesome quadruple murder happened inside the two-story Dutch Colonial Revival home, sources close to the lifelong metalhead confirmed.

“It’s all Shredder could talk about while we were putting out the canapes,” says Vanessa Albright, Dukowski’s assistant and designated driver. “He’s known all over town for his gregarious personality, and his penchant for describing in Victorian surgery manual levels of detail the atrocities that have happened in his listings. This one specifically, he’s going into true-crime podcast level of detail when showing the house. He wanted to pull up the carpet so buyers could see how some of the blood soaked into the floorboards, but thankfully I was able to talk him out of that.”

Dukowski himself couldn’t even contain his excitement when he found out about the house’s past.

“This property has it all: a pool, bay windows, fruit trees, and a serial killer’s murder spree in the living room,” said Dukowski while practicing his pitch before the buyers arrive. “If you look closely at the indentations in the carpeting, you can still see the drag marks the husband’s intestines left as he crawled across the floor. Plus, you can get it for a song, because it’s been sitting on the market for 16 years. Not to mention Suffocation wrote a song about these murders, so this place is basically a landmark. And there’s a fucking three car garage! That shit is crazy.”

Real estate experts commended Dukowski for turning tragedy into dollar signs.

“Property values across the neighborhood went to hell after that family was killed by a psycho with a machete,” said Alfonso LaPierre, Realtors of Santa Clara County President. “You wouldn’t believe the kind of damage a severed head in a mailbox does to a home’s curb appeal. [Dukowski] was able to restore the home to its tasteful, pre-massacre glory with the marble countertops and wood panelling, while leaving the original blood stains.”

While Dukowski’s death metal approach to real estate is unconventional, his peers cannot deny its efficacy. His new park bench ad touts: “Once you go aggro, you’ll go into escrow.”

Russian Spies Who Infiltrated Trump’s Inner Circle Wish He Would Wear a Mask

Posted on by Contributor

WASHINGTON — Over two dozen White House staff members with clandestine ties to the Kremlin and operating within President Trump’s trusted inner circle admitted today that they wish the Commander in Chief would wear a mask for once, covert sources confirmed.

“I mean, this is just ridiculous,” said one of the anonymous Russian spies, reportedly holding one of the highest unelected offices in the land. “It’s definitely easy to collect sensitive data from Trump; the guy never shuts up — the other day he left the plans for a top secret nuclear reactor right on his desk, and the only thing covering it was McDonald’s hamburger wrappers with some of his discarded pickles. But I just don’t feel safe getting close enough to him to send this back to Mother Russia. I’ve tried to explain this to some of the higher ups at the FSB, but they told me I’m expendable.”

White House staffers have been instructed to wear their own protective equipment when dealing with the President, often at their own expense.

“We’ve been told to buy gowns, wear gloves, and use face shields, all while Trump is walking around like an unmasked baboon complaining about how the media isn’t talking about how strong and fast he is,” said another Russian spy rumored to be part of the President’s security detail. “The shitty part is I’m not reimbursed for any of this gear. My commanders give me a ton of cyanide pills I’m supposed to take if I ever get caught, and those have to be pretty expensive… but they won’t go Dutch on all this dumb protective equipment I need to stay close enough to Trump to get access to Pentagon papers. It sucks.”

National security experts believe Trump’s reluctance to wear a mask is the closest thing he’s done to fighting Russian interference within the White House.

“In the past, President Trump basically courted Russian spies, and now he might be inadvertently pushing them away,” said a CIA official who chose to remain anonymous. “We still don’t know how this will affect the Russian operatives Trump is deeply in debt with… and we also don’t know if he actually knows how compromised he is. We send him daily briefings, but I think he just throws those out and has Ivanka sit on his lap. It’s all pretty fucked up.”

At press time, Trump was seen kissing an autographed picture of Vladimir Putin and mumbling, “I wish I could be as strong as you” under his breath.