Funeral for Ska Frontman Surprisingly Upbeat

Posted on by Patrick Lilly

ANAHEIM, Calif. — Yesterday’s funeral for beloved ska frontman Bruce Becker was strangely positive despite the somber occasion, due to several self-described “rude boys” dancing and singing the entire time, sources trying to mourn in peace confirmed.

“We’re just so glad all his friends could come out and have one last party with him,” Becker’s mother said, clad in a checkerboard shirt and screen-printed tie from his band, The Upstairs Neighbors. “We know how much everyone meant to him, and how glad he would be to see all these friendly faces show up just for him. All his friends performed, and this really feels like how Bruce would like to be remembered. If anyone wants anything else to remember him by, we’ll be selling merch all night in the back.”

Former bandmate and current curmudgeon Dirk Cranberry was possibly the only person in attendance who did not praise the deceased.

“He always was a son of a bitch, and he always came in too early with his vocals,” Cranberry said thoughtfully. “That bastard kicked me out of his band years ago — I always thought we should’ve been more two-tone, but he always leaned towards punk. Thinking back on it, I guess kicking me out was the best decision that band ever made. Timing always was Bruce’s biggest issue, and once again, he’s gone too soon.”

Local priest Wyatt Barrett did his best to tailor the service to the colorful crowd.

“Much like how ska returned in the mid 90s, Jesus too will one day return, and we will reunite with Bruce, skanking in the big moshpit in the sky,” Barrett said after. “I always enjoy a good ska funeral. Things are just more lively: they’ve got full bands going the whole time, even when they’re lowering the guy into the ground. And the Bible does bring up trumpets a lot… maybe they’re playing ska up in heaven, too.”

Unfortunately, the priest’s orders to the pallbearers to “pick it up” when lifting the coffin were misunderstood, and the resulting skanking nearly knocked over the checkerboard coffin holding Becker’s body.

Gamer Pokes Head Back Into Smash Bros. Ultimate to Play Exactly One Match as Steve

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

NEW YORK — Local gamer Jesse Nunez excitedly turned on his Switch to download the latest software update for Super Smash Bros. Ultimate so that he could play exactly one match as Steve from Minecraft. 

“It feels like yesterday that they announced Steve was coming to Smash, that was so quick!” said Nunez while sorting his Switch game library by “time last played” and scrolling all the way to the bottom to access the game. “I’m excited to see what all of his moves do! Well, some of them will be surprises. I only watched the first few minutes of the hands-on demo until I got bored and started scrolling through Twitter.”

Nunez’s friends say that his erratic behavior when buying video game DLC that he barely plays has become a cause for concern.

“Jesse always buys into the hype whenever games announce new characters and talks about how they’re going to ‘change the meta’, but I think he just falls for the marketing and the excitement of it all,” said longtime friend Maria Antonov. “The other day he said he was looking forward to playing as Rambo in Mortal Kombat 11. I’ve never seen him play a Mortal Kombat game in my life, or watch a Rambo movie, for that matter.”

At press time, Nunez had reportedly jumped straight into a ranked online match and begun complaining that Steve’s moveset is unbalanced.

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New Gender-Inclusive USB Standards Rename Connectors to Dom and Sub

Posted on by CJ Hernandez

BEAVERTON, Ore. — The USB Implementers Forum announced today they would be formally changing the labeling of all USB connectors in order to promote gender inclusivity. 

While electrical connectors have been referred to as “Male” and “Female” for decades, the latest USB standards will be renaming the formerly male plugs and female sockets to “Dom” and “Sub,” respectively.

“I think it’s important to remember that the U in USB stands for Universal,” said Jeff Ravencraft, COO of the USB-IF. “There’s really no need to assign gender to these cables at birth, it’s been kind of silly from the beginning. Changing their designations to preferred sexual roles just makes a lot more sense for everyone. If we can simultaneously make our product more inclusive while also making it more overtly sexual, I think that’s a win-win!”

The USB-IF released a variety of marketing materials promoting the change, including a packet of “relatable memes” and a “USB fancam.”

“We are incredibly horny for inclusivity,” Ravencraft continued. “This is just the first step, we have a lot of changes coming up that are going to keep all USB connectors and cables hip, hot, and relevant to young people for years to come. I hope for a future where every device has a USB Type-C Sub port, a port that gladly takes it both ways if you know what I mean!”

Response from the LGBTQ+ community has been mixed, with many accusing the USB-IF of promoting over-sexualized stereotypes that cause more harm than help to the movement.

“I guess it’s a nice gesture,” said Alex Bristol, a non-binary member of the USB-IF’s marketing focus group. “But like, maybe they could have just donated money to some LGBTQ+ charities, or promoted some genderqueer-positive hiring practices, because this is all getting kind of weird. They’re talking about changing the B in USB to… to bussy. Universal Serial Bussy. We told them not to but I think they’re going to do it anyway.”

At press time, Apple is reportedly preparing a controversial statement clarifying that there are only two genders of lightning cable connectors. However, Apple does plan to roll out a series of gender neutral dongles for $20 each.

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We Sat Down With M. Night Shyamalan and Asked Him Not To Make Another Movie

Posted on by Jonah Nink

With 15 films under his belt, it’s safe to say that M. Night Shyamalan has had a prolific career. This is a problem since most of his movies are dogshit. The world is bad enough right now, and the last thing it needs is some unhinged freak slapping together one god awful movie after another.

We sat down with the noted filmmaker and tried to convince him that he ran his course a long time ago.

Hard Times: Thank you for your time.
Shyamalan: Always happy to explain my films. 
Please stop making movies.
Excuse me? 
“The Sixth Sense” was good. “Signs” was ok. Everything else sucks though. Just stop.
What about “Unbreakable?” I thought people liked that one. 
Ok, yeah, I liked Unbreakable. But then you ruined it with “Glass.”  We’re cutting you off, bro.
Ok, I understand that people may dislike some of my films. They were ahead of their time. 
Ahead of their time? No, they were shit. “The Last Airbender,” “Lady in the Water,” “The Happening,” “After Earth;” they were all shit. You’ve almost single-handedly ruined the film industry and it’s time for you to stop. You delusional sociopath.
I wish more people understood the deeper nuances of Lady in the Water. The Narf and her eternal battle with the Scrunt for the fate of the Blue World is a deep metaphor for humanity’s struggle against its own darker inhibitions. 
Are you having a stroke?
In the film, Cleveland Heep, played excellently by Paul Giammati, is tasked with helping Story the Narf find “the Writer,” a mythical figure who will one day write a book that saves humanity. In the film I play the Writer, which in a way parallels how my own films are going to one day save the world. The Scrunt represents all of the film critics who said my movies sucked. 
Fucking stop it.  
Which is why Lady in the Water is my masterpiece. My magnum opus, if you will. It encapsulated the human experience in a way few pieces of art do. I’m not just a filmmaker, I’m a storyteller. You see the Narfs are actually a metaphor for…
Jesus. 
Did you know that I wrote Stuart Little?
Fuck you.

Old Bong Now Fleshlight

Posted on by Ramona Apthorp

LOS ANGELES — Local punk and weed enthusiast Sam “Switch” Gremillion inserted his penis into an old bong Wednesday afternoon in a desperate attempt at pleasuring himself, according to sources scouring Craigslist for sublets and temporary housing situations.

“My Fleshlight broke weeks ago, and I’ve been too anxious to leave the house and get a new one because of quarantine. It wasn’t my first choice at all, but when I saw the opening of the bong, I knew it would do,” stated a sheepish Gremillion. “I will say, the initial insertion wasn’t exactly pleasant, but the moment I hit that knobby thing that holds the ice, me and my hog squealed with excitement… immediately followed by pain and panic when I realized I was stuck.”

“I was hoping I would just unstick myself when the boner subsided,” he added, “but apparently when you’re stuck in a bong, the penis only gets harder with time.”

Gremillion’s roommate Tammy Valentine worried about the health of the household.

‘Yeah… I can’t say I was too excited when I found out Switch got his schvonce stuck in the bong. After all, It’s not even his bong, it’s the apartment’s bong — we all share that thing, for crying out loud,” said a slightly irritated Valentine. “Of course I’m shocked, but I’m more worried than angry: worried for my roommate and of course, for the bong. With that thing out of commission, all I have is this one-hitter I keep for emergencies and family functions.”

Dr. Joseph Quintero was tasked with removing Gremillion’s penis from the bong.

“In all of my years of removing things from people, I have never had to solve a problem quite this sad before,” Quintero remarked. “Plus, I think Fleshlights are pretty easy to come by — you can just order one from a local sex shop and have it within the week. They’ll even put discrete labeling on it so your neighbors dont know you just ordered a sex toy. It may not be as quick as Amazon, but it’s extremely important to support small businesses within the community. Not that I’ve ever ordered one. I’ve just heard.”

Gremillion is on track for a speedy recovery, and his roommates have invested in a bong with a smaller opening as a cautionary measure.

QUIZ: Is This Shortness of Breath COVID or Just the General Anxiety of Being an Adult Child of Alcoholics?

Posted on by Krissy Howard

With COVID cases on the rise in numerous parts of the country, it’s not uncommon to wonder if a scratchy throat or chronic headache could be coronavirus symptoms. For some, however, it’s also possible that the difficulty breathing you’re experiencing can be attributed to the crippling anxiety built-in from a lifetime of tip-toeing around an unpredictable narcissist who you swear “isn’t really that bad when they’re sober.”

Not sure if your symptoms are COVID-related or just some good old fashioned codependent survival skills you developed as a child and still carry with you into adulthood? Take this short quiz to find out!

1. You are running a slight fever. Did you just:

[A] Spend time with a large group of people?
[B] Just get off of a 17-minute phone call with your mother?

If you chose A, you may have COVID, wear a mask, and maintain at least six feet of distance from anyone you may come in contact with.
If you chose B, you probably just got yourself worked up pacing around your apartment as you attempted to calmly but firmly set a boundary with your parent only to end up being gaslighted. Have a drink of water and get back to reading way too into your boss’s latest email!

2. You’ve noticed recent nausea or vomiting, did you:

[A] Recently come into contact with someone who tested positive for COVID?
[B] Recently start dating someone and don’t want to ruin it by pushing for things to move insanely fast but also don’t know how to receive love without abusive conditions attached so instead create chaos or drama and compulsively check your phone?

If you chose A, there is a very high chance that you may have COVID, it’s recommended that you quarantine yourself for 14 days.
If you chose B, looks like someone believes they’re an unlovable piece of shit! That’s to be expected as you were likely made to feel responsible for your parent’s feelings, and learned to subconsciously seek out this attachment style in your adult relationships, and those dry heaves are probably just the result of a dysfunctional caretaker, LOL.

3. You’ve lost the ability to taste or smell food, has this symptom:

[A] Appeared in the last 14 days?
[B] Occurred every time you’ve attempted to eat oatmeal with brown sugar since you were 8?

If you chose A, you may have COVID, be sure to wash your hands and avoid touching your eyes, nose, and mouth.
If you chose B, your body is most likely merely responding to the time you missed the bus in third grade and were forced to eat breakfast through tears while your parent screamed something about you ruining their life. Nothing to worry about! Go use those uninfected lungs to enjoy a cigarette or eight on your fire escape.

4. You’ve recently become confused or have trouble staying awake, are you:

[A] An elderly person with a severe infection of some sort?
[B] Wicked fucked up at 9:30 a.m on a Tuesday?

If you chose A, you may have COVID.
If you chose B, you probably figured out that adding substances to your system is an effective way to turn off the constant worry, shame, self-doubt, and general anxiety you feel all the time, even though it often leaves you feeling worse. Cut the bullshit and get it together… I mean, if you want to? I don’t know, sorry!

5. You’re feeling persistent pain or pressure in the chest, are you:

[A] Feeling these symptoms despite not exerting yourself physically?
[B] Currently lying awake wondering what in the fuck you’re going to do when your parent becomes too old to take care of themself and are feeling physically ill over the prospect that they may need to move into your home where they will live out the remainder of their life?

If you chose A, you may have COVID, read the full list of symptoms at cdc.gov.
If you chose B, fake your death and let the state worry about them.

Kid Rock in Full Blown Panic After Clogging Oval Office Toilet

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

WASHINGTON — ‘90s rap-rock icon Kid Rock is currently having a full blown panic attack after “dropping a major league deuce” and clogging the toilet in the White House’s Oval Office.

“I was cruising around D.C. when the Five Guys I had earlier started knocking on the backdoor and I needed to find a crapper, pronto. Then I remembered Trump said I could stop by the White House anytime,” explained Kid Rock in a hushed, exasperated tone. “I knew Donny would probably be down in Florida golfing, but I figured I could pop in, drop the kids off at the pool, and get back on the road. That fucker felt like I let loose a full Joe C. — it was so big, made me miss the little guy. But next thing you know, I’m staring in absolute horror as my own turd is rising up out of the toilet and on to the floor. ”

“Where the hell is a plunger?” Rock added.

White House cleaning staff member Mickayla James found Kid Rock inside the highly secure West Wing.

“The Oval Office restroom rarely gets used because Trump wears adult diapers, so you can imagine my surprise when water flowed out from under the bathroom door,” said James. “I kept telling Trump’s staffers that so-called ‘flushable’ wipes would wreck these old pipes, but of course no one listened to me. I gently knocked, expecting the First Lady — or more likely, Attorney General Barr — but I found the ‘Bawitdaba’ guy cursing out some ‘stupod poop.’ I wish I could say this is the first time it’s happened.”

Trump aide Nick Luna suggested the incident actually demonstrates the President’s generosity.

“President Trump, who is incredibly unselfish and wise, offers each and every one of his friends free use of the White House facilities,” said Luna. “It’s why we had Roseanne Barr sleeping on a couch for a few weeks in the Center Hall… and why Kanye West once showed up at 3 a.m. with a Maglite and a Ouija board, insisting he can exorcise Mary Todd’s ghost from the Lincoln Bedroom.”

President Trump has insisted the restroom be totally refurbished and renovated, costing American taxpayers $26.3 million.

Coward Hour Coil Exclusive: The Two Kinds of Comedy

Posted on by Coward Hour

Coward Hour is the least-informed podcast in America. Each week, leading cowards/disgraced comedians Brendan Krick & Nik Oldershaw spiral on mic, commit gaffes, and descend into conspiracy-laden mental illness. Trust your gut, and prepare for The Event.

New to the show? Listen to our “Best Of” episode.

Nik has returned from Hospital Jail. Brendan and Nik discuss the villainous Steve Jobs, speculate on the sex life of Jeff Bezos, and Brendan spirals about English 101.

Microsoft Introduces Donnie and Luca, the Two Guys Who’ll Be Going Around Collecting Xbox Payments

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

REDMOND, Wash. — Microsoft revealed some further details about its new payment plans for its upcoming next generation consoles, introducing Donnie and Luca, two employees that have been tasked with coming around and collecting the 25 or 35 dollar payments every month from users enter into the optional financing.

“Let me tell you somethin’,” said Donnie Romano, a former Xbox Live creative director who was recently promoted to captain. “If I come by and you don’t have that fuckin’ envelope, I’m leavin’ your house with somethin’. Maybe a controller, maybe your eye, we’ll see what kind of day I’m havin’. But you’re gonna fuckin’ give me somethin’, you hear me?” 

“You fuckin’ listening to me you fuckin’ gamers?” he added before Phil Spencer, the head executive of Xbox, intervened to try and corral the proceedings.

Spencer then introduced Romano’s partner Luca Milanesi, who tried to ease some of the unrest in the room. 

“What Donnie here is saying is that we’re real happy to set all of you’s up with these Xboxes,” said the former waste management consultant and construction foreman. “These are mint condition, untraceable, one hundred percent real deal. So what, some of them don’t have the box or the cables, what am I a fuckin’ Radio Shack? You want this thing or not?”

The payment plans were initially praised by critics and gamers alike up until today’s announcement, which has cast some uncertainty over the buying public.

“I mean, I sure don’t like the idea of being shaken down to make my video game payments,” said Gene Greco, a gamer who’s lived in the neighborhood all his life. “But with Bethesda signing, they’re controlling more and more of the games out there. You gotta go through them. I hate what these crooks are doing to our gaming community, but I’m powerless to stop them.” 

As of press time, Donnie and Luca insisted they had nothing to do with the vintage Xbox unit that was thrown through the window of the flagship Sony store in New York City.

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God Laughs as Man Puts “Final” in Exported File Name

Posted on by Neil Floyd

HEAVEN — Our Heavenly Father was overwhelmed with laughter after watching Illinois native Bobby Kenworth use the word “final” in a new video file name earlier today, multiple angelic sources confirmed.

“He seriously did it,” said the Lord Almighty between fits of thunderous cackling. “This stupid fucker has no idea he forgot the g in ‘angus’ in the graphic at 3:21. Oh man, he just sighed in relief, too! Bobby, you’re too much. I haven’t laughed this hard since his ancestors tried building that big-ass tower to Heaven. They were prideful enough to call that one ‘final’ too, and look how that turned out for them. The only thing final here is that Bobby is a moron with 15 more hours of editing left and a stress-induced heart attack coming at age 41.”

The Alpha and the Omega then paused to catch his breath after another round of laughter.

“What is it with these hairless monkeys that makes them so sure of themselves? I’m a cosmic being of limitless and incomprehensible power, and even I get afraid when I hit the export button in Adobe Premiere.”

Even some of God’s closest advisors were hesitant to support his behavior.

“It’s tough to watch,” said Saint Michael during a quick break from his eternal war against Satan. “I’m out here busting my ass against the Great Deceiver, and He’s just laughing at some poor dude in Illinois who’s gonna punch a hole in his monitor in exactly—” St. Michael said, pausing to check his watch. “—36 seconds.” 

Other sources were more direct in their criticism.

“God’s kind of a dick, if you think about it,” said a weird naked baby angel that asked to remain anonymous. “Did you hear about the time some kids were making fun of a bald dude and He sent bears to eat them? It’s in the Bible. Anyways, I’m pulling for little Bobby. Too bad he has no idea about the fade-in at 44:23 that he’s going to agonize over for 2 straight days. Sucks, but what can an omnipotent celestial entity do about it?”

At press time, God was seen microwaving a bag of popcorn while he waited for Kaecie Dorian, 35, to renew her lease one minute before getting laid off.

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