WASHINGTON — The United States Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced that his favorite pair of blue jeans that he’s always seen wearing has been permanently fused to his body, according to nearby sources who couldn’t understand a word he was saying.
“What better way to make sure I never miss an event than by always being ready with my favorite pair of Levi’s surgically attached to my body,” Kennedy strained to say. “The wonderful doctors and nurses at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center spent 12 hours surgically attaching my 501s to my vaccine‑free body. This will drastically cut down on the time it takes to get dressed each day, so I can get out of the house quicker and get to important business like going for more methylene blue, visiting the farm to drink unpasteurized milk straight from a cow’s udder, or getting a quick swim in at the toxic creek.”
A man walking his dog offered his opinion on the politician jogging past him.
“Whoa, is that guy okay?” said 30-year-old Dirk Debruski. “It’s an absolutely sweltering 90 degrees out here, and this guy’s working out in skin-tight jeans? The fact that he’s shoeless and shirtless doesn’t make it any better. Is he doing some kind of social experiment to see how people react to a psychopath? I’m an army vet who’s been in the shit in the worst war zones all around the world, but I’ve never been more frightened than I am now.”
Political pundit Pavel Drury says politicians often do crazy things in order to stay in the news cycle.
“Though definitely peculiar, what RFK Jr. is doing isn’t that out of the ordinary when politicians are concerned,” explained Drury. “People drawn to careers in the public sector are not like the rest of us. While having a denim exoskeleton bonded to your body would raise some serious alarm bells if a normy did it, for many politicians whose singular drive in life is attention, this barely registers as unusual. Mike Johnson, for instance, is rumored to have a chastity belt permanently covering his groin, with the only two people holding the key being his pastor and his son.”
At press time, the Health Secretary admitted that he wasn’t sure how he would go to the bathroom since the jeans were affixed to him without a zipper or butt flap.
