MESA, Ariz. — A waiter’s routine check-in interrupted Ashleigh Firio stuffing six inches of cock in her mouth during a date night with her boyfriend at a local Chili’s Tuesday night, report amused fellow diners.
“This is so embarrassing! This literally always happens to me. We just settled in, got our drinks so I figured I had at least three minutes to spare, and it usually takes half that time if I really go to town. I swear the waiters here try to catch you with your mouth full just to make things awkward. And I can’t believe he just ran off before I could ask for a refill,” said Firio. “I mean that’s just bad service. I have a hard time believing this is the first time he’s seen someone fellated during the dinner rush. He can expect a smaller tip than I got tonight.”
John Sperry has been a server at Chili’s for 4 years and reports he’s still confused by the diner’s reaction.
“No, of course, I don’t time my visits to tables while someone is unable to speak because their mouth is wrapped around an erect penis. How many people do you think are sucking dick in Chili’s? Usually, we see some casual fingering, which we don’t recommend after eating our spicy bone-in wings by the way,” said Sperry before going on break. “But when it does happen I always have to wait for one person to swallow and I have to make note of which napkins they touched. It’s a whole ordeal. I wish they would save it for the parking lot or do it behind the dumpster like a normal person.
Modern etiquette author and self-proclaimed “millennial Emily Post,” Elia Rose, offered her take on these types of awkward confrontations, and how best to avoid them.
“We’ve all been there, babe, but you may be surprised to find out this is actually a somewhat avoidable situation,” said Rose. “Next time, consider asking the waiter for two sides of ranch after they’ve already brought your meal out. This ensures they’ll avoid returning to your table until it’s time to bring the check. Alternatively, you could bang in the bathroom.”
At press time, Sperry was seen pulling the plastic dividers from Covid out of storage because “y’all are too nasty.”