WASHINGTON — ICE unveiled a new recruitment ad today that was just Saliva’s “Click, Click, Boom” playing at an insanely loud volume over a video…
WASHINGTON — Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. dismissed a potential smallpox outbreak today by telling HHS staffers not to bother him until it’s a…
DALLAS — A local 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline worker abruptly hung up on a caller from U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement who was despondent…
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump signed an executive order that required Disneyland to reopen Splash Mountain and “Song of The South” be restored to what…
OMAHA, Neb. — Recent budget cuts to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration by the Trump Administration has rendered it unable to adequately warn Midwest…
WASHINGTON — Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem revealed that she shot a department watchdog in the face simply because she didn’t like them, Congressional…
WASHINGTON — The United States Supreme Court reportedly began adding “no worries if not” at the end of all rulings President Donald Trump could potentially…
NEW YORK — Columbia University agreed to re-hire several prominent phrenologists in a bid to quell President Trump’s threat of federal budget cuts, confirmed sources.…
PHILADELPHIA — Local 39-year-old Dwight Jenkins went on a series of tirades decrying “Gen Z’s endless string of luck” and is a little jealous that…
NEW YORK — President Donald Trump vowed to bring sweatshops back to the US by reverting chic loft apartments, confirmed uneasy sources. “We’re going to…
WASHINGTON — The nation’s fans of progressive metal band Dream Theater stormed the Capitol after the price of Real Dolls, a brand of life-size sex…
WASHINGTON — Vice President JD Vance lashed out at working-class Americans today criticizing their inability to pull themselves up by the bootstraps and find an…
WASHINGTON — The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) revealed that ICE agents just aren’t killing themselves, despite being complete and utter dickbags with zero…
PALM BEACH, Fla. — Despite existing only as a series of crudely sketched plans on cocktail napkins and one AI-generated image architects have described as…
WASHINGTON — Kid Rock capped off his concert at the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts with a cover of Woody Guthrie’s “This…