WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump decisively announced that he will be ending the conflict in Iran on the first day of his third term in office, after months of frequently changing timelines, confirmed sources.
“The losers in the fake news media keep asking me ‘Trump! Trump! When are you going to end this horrible war in Iran that was started by Joe Biden?’ Who, by the way, was a disaster of a president, the worst president this country has ever seen. Well the Dummycrats maybe don’t like to hear it, but I will end this war on day one when I’m president for a third term,” President Trump said. “Yes, Sleepy Joe Biden couldn’t end this war in four years, but I will end it between breakfast, which will be McDonald’s, and lunch—also McDonald’s—on my first day, after I am elected for my next term. ‘Elected,’ that’s a funny word. Kind of an old fashioned word, I feel like nobody uses ‘elected’ anymore.”
President Trump’s supporters overwhelmingly remain devoted to him after learning that the global conflict—which has killed thousands and sent gas prices soaring—will continue until January 20, 2029.
“I thank the Lord every day that we have a president like Mr. Trump in the White House for decades to come,” said Marshall Horrigan, a self-described “Turbo MAGA” who voted for Trump four times, including once in the 2000s when he wasn’t even running for office. “When he says he’s gonna end the Kamala Harris Iran War on day one of his third term, he’s gonna end the Kamala Harris Iran War on day one of his third term! Those terrorists better think twice if they think they’re gonna get to keep those nukes that Kamala gifted to them.”
At today’s White House press briefing, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt was asked to elaborate on the announcement.
“The president has been very busy doing what he does best, making deals, and he has assured us that he is right on track to close a very big deal to end the horrible conflict in Iran well ahead of schedule,” said Leavitt. “In fact, the president plans to end the Barack Obama Iran War in no more than 24 hours after he is inaugurated into his third term as President of the United States. No president has ever been able to accomplish this much winning in just a single day of their third term.”
At press time, President Trump had just teed off at Trump International Golf Club’s 15th hole, before stating that he planned on ending Social Security benefits on day one of his fourth term.
