Press "Enter" to skip to content

Eight-Year-Old Nephew Watching Cartoon Network Unaware He’s Been Tripsitting Uncle For Past Four Hours

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Local child Kevin Gallagher is enjoying much of his day watching a “Courage the Cowardly Dog” marathon with his uncle Pete Firman, completely oblivious to the fact that Firman is absolutely whacked out of his gourd on psilocybin, sources who have seen this kind of shit before confirm.

“I love hanging out with uncle Pete. We watch cartoons for hours together—and he like, really watches them. I kinda can’t remember the last time I saw him blink,” said Gallagher right as the “King Ramses” episode started playing. “It’s neat, but I’m not really sure why he looks over at me every hour on the hour and asks ‘is this real?’ again. I guess it’s just him being silly. Grown ups are weird.”

Firman attempted to give his perspective on his nephew supporting him through his hero dose.

“Fuck, I remember this episode. That creepy mummy is gonna tell the dog to ‘return the slab,’ and then that spooky song is gonna start playing. Oh man, I might not make it through this one,” babbled Firman while gently stroking a plush blanket he found. “Yeah, without Kevin sitting here with me I’d probably be lying face down on the lawn with my eyes closed right now. Honestly, a while back he got up for a minute to get a glass of milk and I just started crying. I might need therapy after this trip.”

Ryan Clockerburg, an executive for Cartoon Network, explained the methodology behind developing programming to suit both small children and hallucinogen enthusiasts.

“We here at the CN cater to a very diverse audience,” said Clockeerburg. “Our programming has to be engaging enough that younger viewers will plop themselves mindlessly in front of the television for an entire afternoon, yet non-threatening enough that their acidhead relatives won’t start identifying conspiracy theories in ‘Dexter’s Laboratory’ reruns. It’s a fine line, but we do pride ourselves on providing a product that all sorts can feel comfortable letting their minds dissolve in front of.”

At press time, Gallagher once again excelled in his tripsitting duties by refilling Firman’s water glass while trying to figure out where his parents had hidden the Fruit Roll-Ups.