WASHINGTON — A jovial Robert F. Kennedy Jr. shocked the nation by announcing an unprecedentedly grandiose, taxpayer-funded Memorial Day barbecue which would showcase two of every animal with access limited by invitation, confirmed sources.
“I guess the cat’s out of the bag, and yes—we will be eating cats,” Kennedy began before gurgling on hunger pangs and coughing up the word “calico.” “I’ve caught a lot of flack for dismembering whales, raccoons, bears, and allegedly mice, but I was forced to bite my tongue—until now. Do you know how hard it is to transport a whale let alone determine which part of the whale is the tastiest? Turns out all whale is good whale, but still. Rats taste like ass, but ass is back on the menu, boys!”
“Hillbilly Elegy” author and Vice President of the United States JD Vance was spotted at the event double-fisting bloody, mystery-meat kebabs.
“When RFK Jr. first announced his updated, meat-centric food pyramid, I thought the brain worm finally won, but now that I’ve tasted actual brain worms, I realize that we’re all winners—well, at least the VIPs who got invited,” Vance smugly chuckled while wiping his greasy hands against an unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt, leaving behind a trail of pinkish slime. “We’ve been so busy starting wars and spreading diseases, I thought for sure this summer was going to be a complete bust. Well, look at me now, Ma! I’m about to grind skunk and puffer fish down to a fine paste, then snort it.”
Disillusioned PETA President Tracy Reiman was disappointed to hear of the event.
“You spend your entire life trying to make a difference only to be humbled by a tweet sent at four in the morning,” said Reiman. “And for what? So Dr. Oz can taste the complete extermination of a species? Or to give Elon Musk the opportunity to dramatically cut a horse in half with the ‘chainsaw for bureaucracy’? I mean, what else is there to say? Fuck.”
At press time, Kennedy was met with roaring applause after announcing the confirmation—and limited dessert options—of Sasquatch tallow and sucking sap directly from a nearby tree through a plastic straw.
