CLEVELAND — Local man Ryan Kaufman salvaged the majority of his unused best man speech yesterday after adding some minor edits to instead eulogize his recently deceased friend, grieving sources confirmed.
“Obviously, I was more than a little bummed when Sean died during our bachelor party ATV trip. But the silver lining was I no longer had to give the best man speech. I hate public speaking, you know?” said Kaufman. “But then his so-called ‘bereaved’ parents sprung this eulogy crap on me. So I pretty much just copied and pasted the wedding toast, but changed all the times in it where I called him a great guy to the past tense, and cut out a ton of exclamation points. And I nixed the story about getting banned from that fucked-up strip club in Youngstown.”
Funeral guest Zachary Bruni noted, however, that the eulogy was not nearly as funeral-appropriate as Kaufman believed.
“You could tell he tried his best to make the speech make sense, but there was still plenty of wedding content that had no business being in a eulogy. Like, I don’t think the fiancée of the deceased needed to hear that she ‘looked beautiful on her special day,’” explained Bruni. “I’ll give him credit for still trying to carry out that bit where he pretends to give Sean a Stone Cold Stunner, but it probably would have worked better if they were both alive and one wasn’t in a coffin.”
“We all got a grim reminder of why the family asked for this to be a closed casket funeral,” he added.
Kaufman allegedly “continued to make a scene” following the burial.
“Ryan had a few shots of ‘liquid courage’ for the speech, and he started to treat the after-funeral luncheon like a wedding reception,” said Kaufman’s friend Quinn Conley. “He hit on a bunch of the younger women there, and then tossed a flower arrangement up towards the ceiling as if it was a bouquet. Someone’s dad eventually roughed him up after he loudly announced that it was a good thing Katie had a black veil because she had no business wearing white.”
Following Kaufman’s untimely death from a drunk driving accident last night, friends admitted they will be salvaging what they planned to say to him during an upcoming intervention to instead memorialize him on Facebook.