WASHINGTON — In honor of the 250th anniversary of the United States, the Treasury Department announced that Donald Trump’s signature will be printed on future U.S. paper currency, which will also double as Dude Wipes, nearby sources reported.
“Under Trump’s leadership, we’re on a path toward unprecedented economic growth, so there’s no better time than now to honor him with his own money that can also be used to prevent swamp ass,” sniveled Secretary Scott Bessent. “This newest innovation is another example of our beloved leader’s desire to give back to loyal patriots by allowing them to get more out of their hard earned cash. Not only will folks still be able to use it to buy normal, everyday items like five, ten, or twelve homes, but they’ll also now be able to wipe down their taints after a long day of harassing anti-ICE protestors or after storming state capitols.”
A man at an ATM machine was confused by the new legal tender.
“I’m not really thrilled with breaking the long standing tradition of having a sitting president’s signature on our cash,” said Casper DeBrun. “But if what you’re telling me is this money can also be used to wipe down my stank after a long day at work, I guess that’s a good thing? I mean, we already have Dude Wipes which were specially designed for this, but having another convenient option may be pretty handy. A lot of people already joke that Trump is full of shit, so I guess now he literally will be.”
Local brand expert Cindy Lainy explained that many Trump products have secondary uses.
“The president has slapped his name on over 2,000 products, and many of those can be used seamlessly for alternative purposes,” stated Lainy. “Trump steaks, for example, are perfectly suited to soak up vomit, since the cut of beef is closer in texture to mop fibers. Then there’s Trump cologne, which is great for anyone who runs out of vinegar and needs to find something else to repel skunks with. Not to be outdone, Trump Bibles can be used to read the gospel, but more importantly it can be used to easily identify members of the public who should not procreate.”
At press time, the U.S. Treasury also announced a new Trump coin that will double as a cyanide pill if he runs again in 2028.
