WASHINGTON — United States Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. asked if he could take home President Donald Trump’s rotting arm and put it in the freezer, sources confirmed.
“I only eat meat and ferments. What a treat it would be to have both in a convenient package. The arm would go right in the freezer next to Strom Thurmond’s left foot and Colin Powell’s appendix,” Kennedy said. “I caught the president in a candid moment and invited him to be the guest of honor at my cookout next weekend. He told me he’s busy watching TV that day, but here’s the thing: he doesn’t need to attend. Well, most of him. I asked if I could give his rubbery, dangling ‘West Wing’ a quick tug and put it in the freezer until it’s time to grill. Nothing beats charred human flesh and a Zyn.”
President Trump denied the request.
“All week long, these big, burly guys. Guys built like Bigfoot. These guys came up to me with tears in their eyes. They said, ‘Mr. President, Mr. President, what is that godawful smell?’ And I just sort of shrugged,” Trump said during a 2:30 a.m. interview. “Bobby [Kennedy] follows his nose and comes in with a napkin tucked into his collar and he says, ‘Is someone microwaving surströmming in here?’ So we talk and I tell him I still want my left arm. Wouldn’t be so bad to lose the left one, right? So he says OK and he’ll do something else. Anyway, we’re going to tell CBS that this was another attempted assassination attempt.”
Dr. Mehmet Oz, a TV personality and administrator for the Centers for Medicare & Medicare Services, stopped short of endorsing Kennedy’s proposed menu.
“While I can get behind consuming animal proteins free from toxins, leech ghosts, and ether mites, I can’t understand why RFK Jr. would describe President Trump’s arm as ‘protein-packed’ or ‘nutrient-dense,’” said Oz. “Despite a minor acute injury, the president is in full control of not only that arm, but the other one as well. For context, Kaiser Bill only had full use of one hand, and he presided over Germany during a world war. Imagine what President Trump can preside over with both.”
As of press time, Kennedy brought a different severed arm to his cookout, but it was unclear to whom it originally belonged to.
