SACRAMENTO, Calif. — California Department of Motor Vehicles announced their new opt-in program alongside organ donation, with Stephen Miller being the first recipient, curious onlookers confirmed.
“The organ recipient program is a much more tasteful way to procure a kidney or spleen of the human variety. Once you get your hands on your very own large intestine, you’ll see,” said Miller. “I camped outside last night to ensure there was a White House representative to oversee day one of the organ rollout, and I don’t regret it for a moment. The sights, the smells, all of it. As you can well imagine, there are swarms of unhoused on the streets of Sacramento, and was I tempted? Of course, any God-fearing man would be. It doesn’t make me any less of a man to admit it. But we have to give the DMV a chance. Even without the thrill of the hunt, this new program has the potential to satisfy a market hungry for change.”
The DMV was a little weirded out by Miller’s presence bright and early on a Monday.
“I found it unsettling that Stephen didn’t blink or break eye contact for the nearly 10-minute interaction before I gave him his new organ recipient card,” said the DMV worker Gail Dunwich. “The American healthcare system has endured many unprecedented stressors, and they have neither the manpower nor the infrastructure to support the current backlog of ripe human organs. The DMV is the natural distributor of organs for donation, and we had to step up in order to make some difficult decisions. That said, some are more eager than others to get their hands on a gallbladder and sadly those individuals work for the Trump administration.”
However, not everyone was on board with the new DMV offering.
“Listen, I know the DMV is known for their share of odd characters, but aren’t there a lot today? Is that still an okay thing to say?” said a worried Jeremy Dalton. “I’m just trying to renew my driver’s license, but look around, the customers are acting so strangely. I feel like I entered the wrong building and everyone’s staring at me, specifically at my torso. That guy over there asked me if I was donating. Donating what? I just want to get in and get out. I don’t understand what’s happening and I don’t feel safe.”
At press time, Miller demanded to speak to the DMV manager after the clerk refused to source a human pancreas for him on the spot.
