Heartbreaking: This Turtle and Dog Were Best Friends Until the Turtle Fucked the Dogs Wife

Posted on by Dan Rice

A few months back we brought you the story of Herman the turtle and Chase the beagle, two animals that became unlikely BFFs. Unfortunately, like so many human friendships, a romantic indiscretion has changed everything.

According to Dr. Neil Hornberg, the animal psychologist who initially recognized the bromance between Herman and Chase, the two animals are no longer speaking after the fallout of an affair Herman had with Chase’s wife Missey.

“It is a tragedy,” Hornberg confirmed. “But, unfortunately, these things happen. From what I can gather, Herman the turtle had gone to Chase’s yard to ride around on Chase’s back like in the YouTube video. Missey told Herman that Chase was out chasing a squirrel and would be back shortly. The two decided to have a drink. One thing led to another and by the time Chase got back, well, you fill in the blanks.”

Poor Chase. Imagine coming home from a squirrel chase to find your best friend turtle-balls deep in your bitch wife. Oh, well, I mean, first imagine being a dog and then imagine that. Are you imagining it? Good. Isn’t that sad?

Sources say that at first, Herman was apologetic about the incident, blaming the tryst on alcohol and pleading for forgiveness. Unfortunately, the argument got heated and both animals wound up saying things they couldn’t take back.

Chase and Missey are reportedly working out their marital issues in therapy, but it is unlikely that Chase the beagle and Herman the turtle will ever speak again.

The really messed up part is that Herman was the best man at Chase and Missey’s wedding! That would be like if you and a rabbit became such good friends that the rabbit wanted you to be part of its wedding to another rabbit! And then after establishing that miraculous one in a million bond, you turn around and fuck that rabbit’s wife? How could you?!

Hornberg says the situation is indeed bleak but isn’t ready to abandon all hope. “It’s important to remember that animal psychology isn’t an exact science. I’m extrapolating all of this from the fact that Chase keeps eating grass. There is a chance it could just be indigestion.”

All of Cashier’s Frustrations Channeled Into Breaking Open Roll of Quarters

Posted on by Jerrod Kingery

PONCA CITY, Okla. — Marcotte’s Market Grocery cashier Russell Lum took out all of his anger and stress on the mundane task of busting open a fresh roll of quarters in response to the drudgery of working retail paired with the new headaches brought about by the COVID-19 pandemic.

“You just fucking smack it right here, like this,” Lum said, holding up a $10 roll of coins before violently striking them against a divider in the till with all his strength. “Just WHA-BOOM! It’s like the perfect coin — chunky enough to get a good crack in between them, and easy as fuck to count when you’re done since it’s just remembering to group things by fours.”

Dan Duran, Marcotte’s front end manager and Lum’s direct supervisor, knows all too well what small victories like giving a roll of coins a good fucking whack can mean to a beleaguered clerk.

“Oh, trust me, that few seconds of micro-aggression you can take out right in the customer’s stupid fucking face without any sort of recourse is vital for my team’s morale,” Duran said. “You should’ve seen it when corporate had us switch to those plastic, shrink-wrapped coin rolls a few months back… I thought I was gonna have a cashier revolt on my hands. Those are a bitch and a half to get open, and when they finally do it’s terribly anticlimactic.”

Dr. Marge Luby, a clinical psychologist, claimed the act of “giving the ol’ one-two” to a paper-wrapped stack of coins is similar to the practice of “break therapy” popularized by “rage rooms” that allow patients to take out their frustrations physically.

“Studies have shown that the clatter of pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters when broken open over the plastic divider of a cash register triggers the same synapses in the brain as shattering the screen of a TV does, or a passionate embrace from a loved one,” Dr. Luby said. “But with fewer people using cash now, those small moments of release are getting rarer for our nation’s cashiers. Many have been forced to look to other opportunities to get their aggression out, like stabbing a fresh stack of plastic bags onto one of those metal holder things, and informing a customer that there isn’t any more of a specific product ‘in the back.’”

Lum was last seen cursing under his breath after being forced to open a fresh roll of pennies five minutes before the end of his shift.

Photo by Jamie Ward.

3 Drawbacks To Alcohol and 1 Sweet, Sweet Benefit That Might Outweigh Them All

Posted on by Bobby Korec

As we’ve all learned first hand from our uncles at any family function, alcohol can have a devastating effect on the human mind and body. According to a bunch of science nerds alcohol is a wicked poison that should be avoided if you want to live long enough to see how this whole climate change thing works out. However, some non-scientists also say that it can be pretty freaking sweet too.

So who’s right about alcohol? Science, or our buddy Greg? We decided to find out first hand every night for 6 months.

To dig a little deeper we’ve come up with a few drawbacks that would easily deter any rational person, as well as one benefit that just might make up for its potentially life-ruining disadvantages.

Weight Gain
Evidently, those happy hour cocktails are the reason I’ve gained 30 pounds and it’s all thanks to a bunch of hidden calories that no one told me about. I mean, it’s not like my gin and tonic comes with nutrition facts. If anything, I thought they had zero calories because both gin and tonic are clear liquids. You know, like water. I’m just finding out now that’s not how that works though.

Diseases
Cancer, heart disease, alcoholism. Turns out, all of these illnesses are totally avoidable if you refrain from alcohol entirely. Hard to believe, I know. In the long run though you’ll probably thank your younger self when all of your old-ass friends have croaked from alcohol-related diseases and you’re the last one standing all alone with no one to relate to.

Family Issues
Supposedly, alcohol tears families apart. At least that’s what the judge said after my ex-wife took full custody of the kids. But if I’ve learned anything from this experience it’s that I can just get a whole new family if I just hit on married women long enough. After all, that’s how I landed my first three wives.

Well-Being
The one benefit from alcohol that no one seems to talk about is that it’s great for functioning in everyday life in general. Want to avoid social anxiety at parties? Pound some beers! Want to put a stop to those feelings of loneliness? Wine o’clock! Want to prevent that existential dread and subsequent depression that inevitably occurs every morning at 10 am? Mimosas! Alcohol could quite possibly be the miracle cure to every problem you want to momentarily avoid facing, and what is life but a series of moments?

Aging Millennial Remembers When MTV Still Played Music Videos at 4 a.m.

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

HYATTSVILLE, Md. — Local Millennial Dave Simmons, flipping through channels in the wee hours during a visit to his parents’ house, wistfully recalled today the time when MTV still played videos in the middle of the night.

“Of course, I only saw MTV play videos long before the sun came up, and I had to watch at a super low volume so I didn’t wake anyone else in the house, but it doesn’t feel like it was that long ago,” noted Simmons, as he listlessly looked at his phone. “I didn’t stay up late all that often, but whenever my insomnia kicked in, it was nice to flip over to MTV and catch ‘Subterranean’ or something Spike Jonze did. Now, it’s just some ‘reality’ show about a bunch of drunken, white trash morons in Florida. What the hell is that, anyway?”

“Whatever happened to producing shows like ‘Next?’” he added. “I always wanted to be on that bus with the boys talking crap.”

To Simmons, even MTV’s non-music related programming like “The State,” “Beavis and Butthead,” and “Daria” was better, much to the chagrin of MTV executives.

“Mr. Simmons could not be more wrong about our commitment to bringing cutting edge musical programming to people at bizarre hours of the day — obviously, he hasn’t been watching at 10 a.m. on Saturdays when we show ‘TRL’ to literally dozens of enthralled viewers,” said executive Cheryl Logan. “Maybe he might tune in to ‘Double Shot at Love with DJ Pauly and Vinny.’ Hello! They’re DJs! Besides, if music videos are that important to him, he should contact his local provider to inquire about our sister networks… some of which, I think, still play videos. Or if he’s that goddamn adamant about it, just use fucking Youtube, for Christ’s sake.”

Some critics were dismissive of his “misplaced” nostalgia.

“Are you fucking kidding me with this MTV bullshit? This is what you’re wasting my time over? What kind of loser watched MTV at any time of day? MTV was the death of music,” screamed producer and critic Steve Albini. “That bullshit channel has always been about mainstream corporate dogshit. I mean, ‘Alternative Nation?’ That was just sanitized ‘rock’ for dumb suburban kids who didn’t go out of their way to find decent zines. I bet this moron considers Green Day punk. Blow me.”

Simmons has since given up on MTV, and is currently in his sixth hour of researching what “Wild and Crazy Kids” co-host Donny Jeffcoat has been up to.

Cisco Delays Next-Gen Office Phone for 20th Consecutive Year

Posted on by Andy Holt

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Citing production issues due to the coronavirus pandemic, Cisco Systems has delayed the long-awaited sequel to their popular Charcoal Gray Unified IP Series Speakerphone for the 20th consecutive year.

“As a company, we are disappointed about this completely unexpected delay. We were going to add all kinds of cool new stuff to the phone, like a color screen, and a cord that doesn’t tie itself into a million knots whenever you touch it,” said Cisco CEO Chuck Robbins. “We were totally gonna do that, this year, if it wasn’t for the dang COVID. Shucks.”

The announcement was devastating for passionate fans of Cisco’s flagship office phone.

“I love the thing so much. It’s hard to pick my favorite feature, whether it’s the dozen buttons that don’t do anything, or the form factor—I love how it’s the size of three bricks stacked on top of each other,” said local office worker Karey Reiner, who had yet to use the phone a single time during her three years on the job. “I was so excited to see what kind of sick moves Cisco was gonna make next. Oh well, maybe in another 20 years.”

Industry analysts predicted a huge drop in Cisco stock, as the company was expected to fall behind in the extremely competitive market for B2B enterprise hardware.

“This is going to be crushing for Cisco. As we all know, private enterprise is what drives innovation. Corporations are never going to settle into a grift where they just buy the same crap at an inflated price, over and over, every single year,” said Wall Street Journal finance reporter Chuck Houston. “That would be stupid.”

Other rumored delays included updated payroll software, a faster VPN for working from home, and fixing that fucked up bathroom on the third floor that always smells like shit.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Roguelike Fan Also Starts Each New Day With Nothing

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

ANKENY, Iowa — Unemployed and recently single roguelike enthusiast Daryl Cain says that he feels a strong connection to the genre, because he also starts every new day with nothing.

“Games like Spelunky 2 are so comforting to me,” said Cain, who hours earlier had sluggishly lifted his body out of his bed like Zagreus in Hades after dying. “Everytime you die in a roguelike, you just start again from the top with no upgrades or anything. It’s kind of like when I wake up in the morning and stare blankly in the mirror, realizing that I just don’t have anything going for me right now. Damn.”

In order to fill the deafening silence of his apartment, Cain began playing Spelunky 2 obsessively. He’s already been able to progress several levels through the game and says he feels like his skills are improving, unlike his real life.

“I broke things off because it just felt like he was getting nowhere, you know?” explained Cain’s ex-partner, Nell Duffey. “To use one of his own metaphors, at least in Hades you get a little bit better with every run. I just wasn’t seeing that sense of progression in our relationship anymore.”

Since losing his job, Cain says he’s gotten in a repetitive cycle of waking up each day, applying for dozens of jobs, playing a few hours of Rogue Legacy 2, going to sleep, and starting over the next day. Cain notes that he has yet to land an interview for a single job he’s applied for, but he believes this problem can be remedied if he just unlocks some new items and equipment for his apartment by doing some online shopping.

“We’re really worried about him, but we know he’ll bounce back,” Cain’s mother Nancy said. “We’ve always taught him that if at first you don’t succeed, you get up and try again. And then again. And again, until you have tried hundreds of times with no hope of success and just eventually decide to quit altogether.”

At press time, Cain reportedly woke up for a new day, immediately stubbed his toe, and then headed back to bed announcing that he was killing his run for the day.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Conservative True Crime Podcast Enters Fourth Season Only Covering Abortion

Posted on by Amir Adan

SAN DIEGO, Calif. — Conservative true-crime podcast “Roe vs. Pod” will maintain its sharp focus on legal and safe abortions as the show enters its fourth season of production, the show’s host confirmed.

“While most true crime shows focus on brutal murders of beauty queens struck down in their prime, we are making a show that focuses on the lives that could have eventually become beauty queens if their parents hadn’t been murderous sinners,” said host and lifelong pro-life advocate Peter Taylor. “People sometimes point out that because abortion isn’t a crime in America, we shouldn’t be classed as a true-crime podcast — all I’ve got to say is the Bible says it’s a crime. At least, I think it does, so that’s what I’m going with.”

Fans are awaiting the show’s return, claiming they miss listening while screaming “Murderer!” at young women going to Planned Parenthood for checkups.

“I heard the trailer for season four, and it’s all about a woman who had to drive seven hours to murder one of God’s children. The fact she isn’t in jail is such a travesty,” said enthusiastic fan Britney Davidson. “I was introduced to the show last year, and I fell in love with it right away — I’m so tired of all of this godless, liberal media with no morals telling me what’s right and wrong. They do nothing but lie to us! Like now, they’re trying to tell us abortion is only a small portion of what Planned Parenthood does? I’m not buying it. The blogs I follow all say that Planned Parenthood are selling baby parts to the Clintons, and that makes me sick.”

Critics aren’t as thrilled with the podcast, calling the show “gross” and “in poor taste.”

“In all of the years that I’ve listened to podcasts, I’ve never heard anything quite like this before,” said podcast reviewer Joseph Little. “A particularly shocking episode was one where the host followed, harassed, and doxxed a 16-year-old who was going to her local clinic for birth control. The segment had creepy amounts of detail, like when she had her first period, and even when she had her first kiss. This man is very clearly unwell, and his podcast is a testament to it.”

The show will be airing its season premiere this week, and fans can expect to hear Taylor’s statement on the controversy surrounding his wife’s recent abortion, in which he’s expected to remark that his situation is “different” and that “it would have been just such a huge inconvenience for him and his family to have a kid right now.”

Family Reports Home Invasion by Twisted Sister

Posted on by Jason VanSlycke

MILWAUKEE — A feral hair-metal band identifying itself as Twisted Sister broke into the home of and terrorized a local family yesterday, ultimately leaving the father stranded on the front lawn, according to police reports.

“We were having a nice quiet night at home, when all hell broke loose — not only was I locked out of my house, but I was forced to attempt a number of cartoonish stunts to get back in,” reported family patriarch Douglas Cee. “Admittedly, I’d relapsed into my toxic masculinity due to work stress and my family suffered for my behavior, but to be stranded on your own lawn while your children are watching is so traumatic, emasculating, and something I’ll have to discuss with my therapist.”

This type of incident is rather common, according to the MPD’s Anti-Metal Division.

“We’ve gotten lots of reports about the Sister mob: most hair-metal band invasions happen during a tense, silent dinner scene, involving one or more teenagers and an overbearing, militaristic, older male figure who hates rock music,” said Det. Armie Cooper. “It’s important citizens learn that the best way to hair-metal band-proof their homes is to accept that your children will listen to rock‘n’roll music and play guitar. It seems that the more you fight against it, the stronger they become.”

While a hair-metal band invasion can be a nuisance, rarely does it turn deadly.

“Look, man, if the best white, suburban America can do is offer more of the same, then we’re not gonna take it!” declared ringleader Dee Snider from the back of a police van. “It ain’t the 50s anymore, man — we don’t recognize the authority or the power of The Man! We don’t want nothin’, not a thing from you! And these handcuffs are too tight, man.”

Twisted Sister has since reportedly escaped police custody and fled, presumably plotting their next attempt to terrorize and liberate an American family.

Sex Paused to Flip Record

Posted on by James Webster

SEATTLE — A passionate bout of intercourse between local couple Robert Levin and Andrea MacNeil was put on hold this afternoon to flip a record over to the b-side, reported one irritatingly horny source.

“I think it was totally justified. Pumping away in silence just doesn’t cut it for me,” said Levin, holding a pillow over his junk. “It’s like she hasn’t even heard the back half of Portishead’s ‘Dummy.’ How were either of us supposed to finish without those sexy-ass bass grooves in the deeper, more natural sound quality provided by vinyl? Just thinking about how good ‘Pedestal’ sounds on wax is enough to get me going.”

MacNeil admitted she was less than thrilled with Levin’s decision to disrupt the moment.

“I couldn’t believe it. I was so close to climax and he shot out of bed like a rocket to flip that thing over,” said MacNeil, making sure her blanket was clutched firmly around her collarbone. “It was like he was more excited to finish the album than he was to finish. I’m just glad it was an LP and not an EP, you know?”

“I guess you could say he put us on pause so that the record could play,” she added. “Sorry. When I’m seethingly angry, I just can’t resist a good fucking pun. See, I did it again!”

A spokesperson for Portishead confirmed that the band hears this story all the time.

“We can’t believe we don’t hear this more often, honestly,” said Marty Giddins, Portishead’s manager. “It’s hard to describe, but the whole trip-hop thing was just really hot, you know? Nobody knows why, but white people didn’t have good sex until the first Massive Attack album in 1990 — they just didn’t. To have the perfect soundtrack, you’ve gotta pay the price and flip the album.”

At press time, MacNeil was reportedly still waiting on Levin to return to bed, as he also held up the couple’s sexual activity to be interviewed for this article.

Photo by Noah Leavy.

Don’t Disrespect My Daughter by Kneeling When You Propose — Stand Like a Patriot

Posted on by Mirinda Moriarty

Listen up, buttercup. I am a firm believer in the principles of God, country, and family. In that order. So if you’re going to ask for my beautiful daughter’s hand in marriage, you better not disrespect any of ’em while doing it. So get up off your knees and propose to my daughter like a patriot: standing on two feet and saluting a custom American flag with 50 little crosses instead of stars.

Now when my gorgeous little girl brought you home, you were polite to me. You even brought our family a gift basket with assorted maple syrups. That was two strikes right off the bat. However, I’m willing to overlook all of this weakness if you propose like a man. Not like some wimp who gets on their knees and shows humility. I want you standing as straight as God made all of us, with you hand over your heart. Preferably while holding a baseball cap that you took off the moment I started playing the Star-Spangled Banner on a boombox from across the candlelit walkway you set up for my sweet, sweet princess. Only then will you have earned my, God’s, and President Trump’s approval to marry the most important woman in my life.

This country—specifically us men—gave these fine girls the right to vote. They have a right to choose who to vote for just like I have a right to choose whom she is allowed to marry. And God forbid that man be some skinny jean wearing, Molson Ice drinking, cuck who bends over to propose. If you want to be a part of this red-blooded American family you better kneel for the cross, stand for my daughter, and grab her by the pussy.

Is that clear? Good. You have my approval. Welcome to the family, Colin Kaepernick.