Can You Violate the Geneva Conventions in Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War, Hitman, and Blaseball?

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

A new era is upon us. This year, a new generation of consoles will come into our homes, bringing us more realistic gaming experiences than we’ve ever seen. That’s why it’s paramount that we hold games accountable when they allow players to violate things like the Geneva Conventions, which are an important moral barrier both in war and digital entertainment. Let me show you what I mean with our latest breakdown of war crimes happening in today’s video games.

For the sake of argument, let’s put aside all of Ronald Reagan’s real life war crimes for a moment. Let’s pretend the digital version of him that appears in the upcoming Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War is an entirely fictitious version of the infamous criminal who didn’t have any hand in the Iran-Contra affair. Okay fine. Then let me point you to the game’s first trailer where someone tells Reagan that the military operation he’s proposing is, QUOTE, “highly irregular, probably illegal.” The blurb writes itself, folks.

The very core of the Hitman series is based in illegality. The unnecessary suffering, the use of mercenaries… it’s all textbook. But I’d specifically like to draw your attention to the “Fake Surrender” button, which allows you to pretend to give yourself up to the police before knocking them out with a sucker punch. Well, more bad news for Agent 47. That’s a clear violation of perfidy, which prohibits “the feigning of an intent to negotiate under a flag of truce or of a surrender.” Though admittedly, this is probably less of an issue than putting your enemies into a woodchipper.

Speaking of mercenaries, we’ve previously shamed Spider-Man himself, calling him out as a mercenary–ruling that was controversial amongst our faithful readers. But something that you can’t deny: the scientists in Marvels’ Spider-Man have never even HEARD of the Geneva Conventions. That’s just a fact.

To Samurai Jack’s credit, he fights with honor in his latest adventure, Samurai Jack: Battle Through Time. The same can’t be said for his rival Aku, who teleports Jack into a future where he rules. There’s a lot to unpack here due to article 49 of 4th Geneva Convention, which prohibits “individual forcible transfers.” Let’s call Aku’s actions what they are: temporal deportation. 

The commissioner is doing a great job… at allowing rogue umpires to violate the Protocol on Incendiary Weapons.

‘Spider-Man’ Will Feature Complex Cat Companion System That Ranges From ‘Enemies’ to ‘Doesn’t Hate You’

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

BURBANK, Calif. — Insomniac has announced that the Miles Morales Spider-Man game for the PlayStation 5 will feature an intricate companion system which lets players develop a bond with a bodega cat that ranges from “enemies” to “doesn’t hate you.”

“We know what people want. Spider-Cat will be a major part of Spider-Man for the PlayStation 5,” said Insomniac Games Creative Director Brian Horton in a 45-minute demonstration showcasing the new mechanic. “Spider-Cat will have a significant impact on the player’s combos, attacks, and storylines. That’s why we wanted to make sure players have full control over their relationship with him. At the beginning of the game, Mile’s relationship with Spider-Cat begins at ‘enemies.’ By giving him attention, cleaning his litter box, playing with him every day, letting him scratch criminals in the face, etc. over the course of the game, you can raise that companion meter all the way up to ‘doesn’t hate you.’”

“At the end of the day, video games are about satisfying the fantasies that we can’t ever have in our real lives,” Horton added. “That’s why we finally made a game where you can hold your cat and he doesn’t immediately squirm away. That is, if you press X repeatedly to get him to stop.”

According to the demonstration, Insomniac has taken in all of the feedback from fans about the original Spider-Man game and worked to replace any issue with Spider-Cat.

“A lot of people didn’t like the Mary Jane parts of the first game. Those have been replaced by sequences where you try to get Spider-Cat to walk around NYC by shining a laser at the ground,” Horton explained. “A lot of people didn’t like the little electrical minigames Peter had to complete in the lab. Those have been replaced by Miles trying to cut Spider-Cat’s nails, while being scratched all over his body.”

“We focused hard on making game one really feel like you’re playing as Spider-Man,” he said. “This game will make you really feel like you’re playing as Spider-Man and Spider-Man owns a cat.”

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

We here at Hard Drive owe so much to free speech, which enables us to write cutting edge, intellectual satire that challenges the establishment. It’s also what allows you, the commenters, to openly share with us all of your thoughts and witticisms. That’s why we thought it was only appropriate to reach out to known advocate of free speech Noam Chomsky in order to pick his mind about what really matters. Unfortunately, it did not go well: 

5. Noam Chomsky will not be appearing on the podcast at this time

I think Chomsky is hurting too, Janut_li. But if you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, they never cared about the Super Mario Bros. 3 cartoon (or they’re in a ditch or a lake). If they do come back, make them watch Mario cartoons forever.

4. Speedrunner Doesn’t Believe Girlfriend’s Tool-Assisted Orgasm Valid

That implies that he’d be able to make her orgasm in the first place. I get it though, poor upper body strength is a real run killer. Just remember to always play through if you lose momentum, a personal best is better than just quitting altogether. 

3. New Gender-Inclusive USB Standards Rename Connectors to Dom and Sub

Lifehack: if you can’t afford a flogger, but need one right away, just take everything out of your unused wire drawer and wrap it around a cardboard tube! Your sub won’t know the difference, and you’ll be glad you held onto the charger for your iPod classic for over 10 years. And if you want to get extra kinky, just leave the iPod on the charger. 

2. 6 Awesome ‘Street Fighter’ Moves to Try Out on Your Younger Brother

We hadn’t tested that before we published the article, so we had our Hard Drive intern Michael test these moves out on his cousin. Michael did win the fight, but his cousin did press charges and he was arrested for assault and battery. So to answer your question, yes and no.

1. 6 Awesome ‘Street Fighter’ Moves to Try Out on Your Younger Brother

I think it’s actually for the best you didn’t have a younger brother.

Thank you so much to everyone who commented this week! If it were up to me, you’d have the right to free games as well as free speech — but we’re far away from that gamer utopia. If you want a chance to be featured in next week’s column, be sure to leave a comment on any of our posts across social media. Have a great week everyone!

We Visited the Wrong Portland but Now We Know How To Shell a Lobster

Posted on by Rachel Steele

We took a trip out to one of the most active cities in America right now, Portland. It became too much to sit by and watch so many fascists marching freely on television with all their teeth still intact, so we packed a few baseball bats and jumped on a plane to report on some of the action. Little did we know we would end up further away from any protests or excitement at all; we flew to Maine instead of Oregon.

After binge-watching Portlandia on the plane, we quickly realized we arrived in a city we weren’t at all prepared for: Portland, Maine. We expected to see a flaming Macy’s department store and some cops running scared shitless from some protestors, instead we arrived in the middle of the Maine Lobster Festival. Apparently East Coast locals have a weird obsession with giant sea roaches.

Portland was alright, we would have preferred to see biker gang brawls in Oregon instead of clam chowder taste testing in Maine, but we enjoyed ourselves nevertheless. One chef even sat down and showed us how to shell and cook an entire lobster.

Fighting fascism would have been pretty cool but you know what else is cool? Clarified butter.

After five minutes, we learned that shelling a lobster is fucking hardcore, almost as hardcore as after we used the Port-O-Johns that lined the streets of the festival. We never thought we’d have so much fun maiming and dismembering the corpse of a huge red crustacean, yet here we are in Maine twisting some pincers and peeling the exoskeleton off this giant motherfucker. As much as we wanted to maime and dismember some Nazi punks, I highly doubt they’d taste as good in a soup as this lobster.

We regret missing out on drum circles, campfires in the streets, and cutting a couple Proud Boys down to size, but we all agreed we are now very well equipped to take down a belligerent fascist in the coming civil war. As long as they’re 3-4 pounds and already dead.

Adult Swim Designs Website to Remind 30-Year-Old Man He’s No Longer Target Demographic

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

ATLANTA — Local 30-year-old Dimitri Reynolds learned yesterday that he’s no longer in Adult Swim’s target demographic after a visit to their “baffling” website sent the man into a deep shame spiral, sources equally perplexed by the site confirmed.

“This site has changed too much. It’s so much harder now to find their forums so I can complain about anime,” said the 30-year old who sources report used to look like Dean Venture from “Venture Brothers” but now looks more like Carl from “Aqua Teen Hunger Force.” “There’s so many new shows that I can’t even find clips of ‘Delocated.’ I had to ask one of my teenage neighbors how to access all the old Flash games the site used to have… but apparently Flash doesn’t even exist anymore? It feels like the days of teaching my parents how to access their email on AOL. Also, can someone explain to me what a livestream is?”

For their part, Adult Swim was thrilled by Reynolds’ complaints.

“We’ve been working hard updating the site to remind the original fans how old they are,” announced Adult Swim President Michael Ouweleen. “People in their 30s are still welcome to watch our shows, of course, but we will continue to appeal to people of an age who aren’t still clinging to a two-decades-old episode of ‘The Brak Show.’ We are willing to send Joe Pera out to lull anyone who complains about our company into sedation at any time.”

Lead web designer 19-year-old Selden Brady explained her concept for the site.

“As you can see, the cursor icon constantly changes to faces of Twitch streamers… and every character from every show will be barfing rainbows like a Snapchat filter, and the home page will be one big, nonsensical, deep fried meme,” said Brady. “And best of all, we’re accessing the Facebook info of every Millennial user so we can insert a pop-up of their jock high school bully who used to tease them for watching cartoons.”

Adult Swim is allegedly also considering making the website only accessible through a QR code displayed exclusively in “Fortnite.”

Trump Merch Guy Is Promised He Can Come Up On Stage and Say One Slur

Posted on by Kaitlyn Jeffers

MACON, Ga. — After five years of paying his dues, the Trump campaign’s top merch guy Dash Howard learned today that he’ll finally get to yell a slur into the microphone at the President’s next superspreader event, sources close to the unapologetic bigot confirmed.

“I know all his slurs by heart. I’ll finally put my skills on display for a bunch of like-minded Americans who are sick at the thought of our daughters dating outside their race,” said Howard from behind a table of red MAGA hats and “Blue Lives Matter” stickers. “I’ve been practicing in the mirror for weeks now, trying to come up with exactly the right slur to say. I’m scheduled to go up right after Trump makes a big display about having a war widow in the crowd — that’s the perfect time for me to say something about how refugees are stealing our jobs. It’s going to tear the place down.”

Senior White House Official and favorite Trump son Jared Kushner empathizes with Howard’s excitement.

“After my dad went to jail, I was desperate for a new father figure to make me complicit in criminal activity. I’d be lost if it wasn’t for President Trump,” said Kushner while loading a gun and holding it to the head of a newborn kitten. “When you pay your dues with Donny, you’re rewarded handsomely — not only did I get to be on the ‘street team’ he put together to attack the Central Park Five, but after I proved myself, he gave me his favorite daughter!”

“He told me he would’ve kept Ivanka for himself but the optics might not be great. What a guy!” Kushner added. “Always giving.”

Trump knows how much it means to aspiring racists and fascists to be seen and heard, giving back to the younger generation any way he can.

“I remember what it was like, being one of the new jacks on the scene: you’re awkward, you don’t know what ethnic group you should be directing your hate towards. It’s tough. It’s real tough,” said Trump while coughing directly into a nearby aide’s face. “Back in the day, you know, we only had Blacks and the Chinese to rally against, and the Chinese already had a wall. Show me another President who will let their merch guy come up and say a few words — everyone else is scared to let the merch guy talk, especially Sleepy Joe. His merch guy probably runs Antifa.”

Following the event, President Trump was overheard threatening the rally’s promoter to pay him his full appearance fee despite the terrible attendance.

The Lack of Female Leadership in Right-Wing Militias Is Problematic

Posted on by Gregg Gethard

Women have made great strides in earning leadership positions throughout American culture, having overcome decades of gender inequality and a glass ceiling. But there’s one area that is still having a stand-off against women ascending to positions of power—right-wing militias!

It’s highly problematic that no woman leads any of the 576 groups classified by the Southern Poverty Law Center as an extremist right-wing anti-government militia. Women have not been able to steer renowned organizations like the Wolverine Watchmen or the Iowa Defenders of the Homeland Shield as they plan attacks on a Bureau of Land Management’s home. And that’s just not right!

I understand that this would create a paradigm shift for right-wing militia members—having to consider gender norms while parading around rural woodlands conducting military exercises to counter the encroaching cruelty of an overreaching federal government. But imagine how much more right-wing militias could accomplish if women were allowed to enter the C-suites and boardrooms of shadowy, splinter off-shoots of the Oath Keepers?

Female-led right-wing militias would be able to do so much more than to bring dangerous, untraceable firearms to a protest against basic public health measures. No longer would the aims of homegrown right-wing paramilitary units be limited to commemorating the Ruby Ridge Massacre or conducting citizen’s arrests on migrant families. For too long, America’s collection of second amendment aficionados have lacked the imagination needed when trying to return America to the gold standard in defiance of the globalist tyranny of the Federal Reserve System.

It’s time for our camouflage wearing bearded heroes to promote women to leadership positions. No longer do women just want to merely help while procuring heavily regulated industrial-grade explosives purchased with fraudulently obtained credit cards. Instead, women want to lead the charge when launching the inevitable race war that will last for 1,000 years.

Time’s Up, right-wing militiamen! It’s now your turn to break down the patriarchal hierarchy and be a part of the dialogue!

Cop Says N-Word During Karaoke Rap Song, Also Before and After

Posted on by John Danek

MILWAUKEE — White Milwaukee Police Officer Anthony Salatino used the n-word without reservation last night before, during, and after a karaoke performance of a song by rapper YG, frightened karaoke bar staff indicated.

“It’s Salatino’s ‘thing.’ He calls me the n-word all the time — which is stupid, because I’m Indian — but it’s offensive regardless,” recounted Shiv Tiwari, karaoke DJ at Sing Your Heart Out. “He put his name in for a YG track which we don’t have in the system and I had to pull up on Youtube. Through the performance, he walked around the room and did that thing where you stick your face at someone real fast to make them flinch. Our crowd is mostly retired people who sing Sinatra, and even they seemed pretty offended, even if they all looked like they’d said that word a few times in their day.”

Ofc. Salatino vehemently denied the accusations of racism and chalked them up to the current anti-cop sentiment.

“Oh, please. This is just another example of someone trying to make police officers look bad,” declared Salatino despite multiple cell phone videos, voice recordings, body cam footage, and signed receipts that show him screaming the n-word repeatedly. “Maybe if black people started speaking, dressing, and acting just like me, we wouldn’t have any of these problems, and we all could say the n-word. Besides, the edited versions of rap songs suck. It’s mostly silence. And even if I did say it, I’m sure I would rarely use a hard ‘R.’”

Los Angeles rapper YG, who has helped organize Black Lives Matter events in his hometown, was dismayed at Salatino’s obliviousness.

“It’s really fucked up. You can’t control how people consume your music, but to have a cop sing ‘My N*gga’ after all the criminal justice system has done is beyond insulting,” said YG. “I have songs called ‘Fuck Donald Trump’ and ‘Fuck the Police’ — do I have to title a song ‘Hey, If You’re White and Racist and Support Cops or Are a Cop, This Song Is Not For You And I Hate You?’

“Now that I say that out loud, I realize that it’s exactly what I have to do,” he added. “Give me a few weeks.”

Ultimately, the Milwaukee Police Department suspended Salatino with pay after he attacked a group of black teens who refused to let him in their TikTok dance video.

Scientists Warn Die Hard Simpsons Fans Could Only Like One Season By 2024

Posted on by Adam Condra

AMSTERDAM — Leading climate scientists have made a startling announcement, alleging that passionate fan enthusiasm for The Simpsons could dwindle to just one season by 2024.

“Generally, the consensus since the turn of the century has been that The Simpsons was at its best during its first 10 seasons,” said Dr. Nils van der Wegge, speaking from the University of Amsterdam’s Science Park campus. “Even as the quality of the show descended into a risk-averse mixture of easy jokes and mawkish sentiment, the numbers reflecting enthusiasm for the early years remained remarkably consistent. That is, until a few years ago, when our data analysis uncovered irregularities in fan consensus.”

Van der Wegge contends that these irregularities have continued to grow, and projects a timeline in which only one Simpsons season is considered “good” by die hard fans within the next four years.

“Obviously, our first instinct is to try and conserve what’s left, which appears to be a contiguous enthusiasm from season 4 to season 7.” Van der Wegge went on. “But it’s tricky to figure out how to do that for a show that has been on creative autopilot for over twice as long as it was good.”

As part of its study, the University interviewed and polled over 2,000 self-identified “die hard fans” across 30 countries, and their opinions are just as diverse as their origins.

“Look, David Mirkin is the only person who knew how to make The Simpsons work,” said Yelena Lebedev of Donetsk, Ukraine, one of the participants in the study. “I am unafraid to say it, the writing was on the wall during Al Jean’s first run in seasons 3 and 4. Man’s been in charge for the last 19 years and you see what’s happened. The more mucked up it all gets, the less I even appreciate the older stuff anymore.”

Amid the dire forecast, Dr. van der Wegge and his team continue to analyze the data and seek answers. 

“It’s unclear why this is happening,” said Dr. Corliss Moran, a member of the team that conducted the study.  “Perhaps it’s social media. Perhaps it’s ennui. Perhaps it’s because Millennials who grew up with the show can no longer relate to a satire of America where owning a home and supporting a family with a single full time job. My fear is that it is already too late to save The Simpsons’ legacy.”

Van der Wegge concluded his statement by warning that if action isn’t taken, the Family Guy community will be dealing with the same problem 10 years from now.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Gamer Downloads Hot New Multiplayer Game Just in Time for Friends to Move On

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

BANGOR, Maine — Local gamer Ned Price finally downloaded a multiplayer game his friends have been playing nonstop for weeks, only to discover that they’ve just moved on to playing a different game he doesn’t own yet.

“My buds wouldn’t stop talking about how fun Among Us was and saying that I needed to get on it,” Price explained. “So finally, I picked it up on Steam one night and asked my friends on Discord if they were up for a round. Well turns out they’re all ‘burned out on it’ now. Now I’m stuck playing this stupid game with randos online. I don’t even like it!”

Price’s friends noted that they had started playing Star Wars Squadron, and urged Price to jump on that instead. After waiting a few days for a paycheck to clear, Price bought the $40 game just in time for his friends to have moved on to Genshin Impact.

“Honestly, he kind of blew $40 there when he could have just downloaded this free RPG instead,” Price’s friend Herman Klein said. “Squadrons was fun for a second and all, but Genshin Impact is honestly where it’s at right now. You need to get to level 16 to play co-op though, so he just needs to do that before we try out Phasmophobia tomorrow night and move on forever.”

To get ahead of any more frustration, Price pre-ordered Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War after hearing his friends talk about switching to it in November. Unfortunately, they said they’ve actually already lost interest in the game, despite the fact that it isn’t out for another month.

“Honestly, we’re all just looking ahead to new consoles at this point,” longtime friend Maraithe Hale explained. “He’s going to need to get a PlayStation 5 if he hopes to catch up. We’re already planning to alternate between Destiny 2: Beyond Light, Godfall, NBA 2K21 and Destruction All Stars, so he should just get all of those just in case one sticks.”

After spending nearly $1000 on new games and preorders, Price discovered that his friends had actually gone back to playing Among Us, noting that they were itching to play something retro.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.