Russian Spies Who Infiltrated Trump’s Inner Circle Wish He Would Wear a Mask

Posted on by Contributor

WASHINGTON — Over two dozen White House staff members with clandestine ties to the Kremlin and operating within President Trump’s trusted inner circle admitted today that they wish the Commander in Chief would wear a mask for once, covert sources confirmed.

“I mean, this is just ridiculous,” said one of the anonymous Russian spies, reportedly holding one of the highest unelected offices in the land. “It’s definitely easy to collect sensitive data from Trump; the guy never shuts up — the other day he left the plans for a top secret nuclear reactor right on his desk, and the only thing covering it was McDonald’s hamburger wrappers with some of his discarded pickles. But I just don’t feel safe getting close enough to him to send this back to Mother Russia. I’ve tried to explain this to some of the higher ups at the FSB, but they told me I’m expendable.”

White House staffers have been instructed to wear their own protective equipment when dealing with the President, often at their own expense.

“We’ve been told to buy gowns, wear gloves, and use face shields, all while Trump is walking around like an unmasked baboon complaining about how the media isn’t talking about how strong and fast he is,” said another Russian spy rumored to be part of the President’s security detail. “The shitty part is I’m not reimbursed for any of this gear. My commanders give me a ton of cyanide pills I’m supposed to take if I ever get caught, and those have to be pretty expensive… but they won’t go Dutch on all this dumb protective equipment I need to stay close enough to Trump to get access to Pentagon papers. It sucks.”

National security experts believe Trump’s reluctance to wear a mask is the closest thing he’s done to fighting Russian interference within the White House.

“In the past, President Trump basically courted Russian spies, and now he might be inadvertently pushing them away,” said a CIA official who chose to remain anonymous. “We still don’t know how this will affect the Russian operatives Trump is deeply in debt with… and we also don’t know if he actually knows how compromised he is. We send him daily briefings, but I think he just throws those out and has Ivanka sit on his lap. It’s all pretty fucked up.”

At press time, Trump was seen kissing an autographed picture of Vladimir Putin and mumbling, “I wish I could be as strong as you” under his breath.

Terrifying: The Scandinavians From “Midsommar” Are Real

Posted on by Jonah Nink

After watching “Midsommar” for the first time, I told my friends “Man, thank christ Scandinavians aren’t real. That would be terrifying.” He then said to me “Uh, Scandinavians are real.” I didn’t believe him at first, but he was completely right. Scandinavians are real, and they are terrifying.

Just like in the film, most Scandinavians live in the northern part of Europe. On the map, it kinda looks like a big ole’ schlong. The film takes some liberties by making all of the Scandinavians look super hot when in actuality most of them look like L. Ron Hubbard. You can identify a Scandinavian by their name, which is normally something stupid like “Ragnar,” or “Ulrich.”

In the film, the Scandinavians are in a weird drug-fueled death cult. In reality, it’s much, much worse. Most Scandinavians enjoy skiing, a pastime that back in the states is normally reserved for divorced men in their early thirties. And since most Scandinavian countries have free healthcare they don’t need to worry about getting hurt while skiing or getting a stomach ache from all of the human flesh they probably eat. Can you even imagine free health care? Fucking yikes!

The most terrifying thing about Scandinavians is the fact that they can easily infiltrate our society. Did you know that Dolph Lundgren, Bill Skarsgård, and the late Max Von Sydow are all from Sweden? I thought Dolph Lundgren was Mexican! “Rocky IV” has been completely ruined for me now. Thank god it already sucks.

So how do we protect ourselves from the Scandinavians? Well, if you can‘t beat them then you might as well join them. I’ve already begun the process of dying my hair blond and immigrating to Norway. Hopefully, they will allow me to assimilate into their society and not try to eat me or something.

Before I leave for my new life among the Scandinavians, I plan one watching Goodfellas one final time. I can actually enjoy watching it because I know for a fact that Italians aren’t real.

Local Band Matures Into Local Venue Staff

Posted on by John Dixon

AUGUSTA, Ga. — Local band Wall Socket officially announced their breakup today, moving into the next phase of their careers as full-time staff at The Cat Skull — the same local venue at which they performed most of their shows, management confirmed.

“Being in a band doesn’t really pay the bills, and I was already spending so much time at the venue, it was easy to start picking up shifts as a bartender: it was just the natural next step for me,” said now ex-frontman Neil Coleman. “Before too long, I was basically working full time there, and I didn’t have the energy to rehearse with the band anymore. So we called it quits, and then everyone else put in applications.”

Lisa Edelson, owner of The Cat Skull, was more than happy to welcome Coleman as an employee — especially since he did not come alone.

“When Neil started here, I suddenly had an entirely new staff who already knew the ins and outs of the place,” Edelson said from the broom closet that serves as her office. “As an added bonus, they know exactly how to handle other bands. I swear, the bands that play here now have never gotten in and out so quick and clean.”

However, not everyone is happy with the shift in direction.

“I’ve never seen a group of dudes so go mad with power so fucking quickly,” said James Barnes, vocalist of Psychic Baby, another venue regular. “It absolutely sucks having another band running a venue, because they know exactly how to fuck with you: they pretend not to hear you during sound check, they serve us drinks last… and, shit, their bassist is the security guy now. He ejected our guitarist in the middle of our own set for crowd surfing.”

Wall Socket already attempted to reunite for one last show, but couldn’t because there was no one at the venue to cover their shifts.

Origin of Fake News Traced Back to Friend Saying He Played ‘Pokemon Purple’ in 2002

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WASHINGTON — Researchers have discovered that the origin of the “fake news” phenomenon stretches all the way back to 2002, when your friend Dennis McNulty claimed to have played Pokémon Purple.

“Clickbait journalism, Donald Trump railing against the New York Times, Q-Anon… all of this stems from the moment 11-year-old Dennis said he caught a ‘Black Pikachu’ in Pokémon Purple,” explained historian Dr. Clair Blevins. “Journalists didn’t realize, before 2002, that they could just lie and get away with it. Seeing your eyes light up at the possibility that Dennis had an uncle who works at Nintendo and gave Dennis a copy of the unreleased game changed all that. It was the exact origin of made-up inside sources. It was very likely the beginning of the end of all news media. Now every political writer has an ‘uncle’ who works at the White House.”

McNulty, who now works as a content farmer for website Today Always, swears to this day that he really did play Pokémon Purple.

“Look, I don’t care what you think about me, but I’m not a liar. What’s next? You’re gonna claim that my copy of Majora’s Mask I had as a kid wasn’t really haunted?! You know it just stopped being like that because I performed an exorcism on it right before you got to my house!” McNulty said. “There is nothing more important to me than the truth. I don’t have time for this shit, anyway. I have to publish my new article, 37 Times Lady Gaga Accidentally Revealed She Was Secretly a Man.”

Despite McNulty’s insistence, many have criticized him as a result of the findings. President Donald Trump spoke about McNulty and the larger issue of fake news at a recent press conference. 

“The lying Dennis media is out to get us all! I knew – I knew all along – from the very beginning – that there was no such thing as a MewThree. It would be too powerful! Too powerful… it’s fake news, folks,” the President explained, desperately taking breaths every few words. “But I will create Pokémon Purple. No one else can do it! I alone can bring you Pokémon Purple. I alone can tell our scientists – our brilliant, beautiful American scientists – to create the powerful MewThree. So we can finally defeat China.”

At press time, in a desperate attempt to bring journalism back to its former glory, Nintendo announced they would finally release a game called Pokémon Purple, in which you can catch a Black Pikachu.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Game Produced Without Crunch Unless You Count the Delicious Crunch of These Sweet Chili Doritos

Posted on by Kyle Erf

SEATTLE — Tire Tactics, the newly released car combat title from Spitfire Games, has been commended for being produced while respecting employees’ working conditions and also their desires for wonderful Frito-Lay products.

“I wanted to make sure we could make Tire Tactics in 40-hour weeks, even if that meant changing scope,” said James Thomas, founder of Spitfire Games. “It’s just not sustainable, even if you do have a well-stocked break room.”

After working a decade of long hours at major studios like Electronic Arts, Thomas and several members of his old team left to build a more respectful workplace at Spitfire. 

“When I was working at big companies, it could be months of 70 or 80-hour weeks. I didn’t have time to go buy a bag of Ruffles on my way home, much less make a trip to, say, Taco Bell. I’m proud to say we don’t pressure anyone here.”

While everyone within the studio agreed late nights at the office were rate, some alleged that Spitfire isn’t as rosey as Thomas implied regarding expectations. 

“There’s a lot of pressure to try whatever bag of Doritos the bosses bring in, you know?” said one longtime employee on condition of anonymity. “They’ll be like, ‘Hey, everyone is going to try out these Sweet Chili Doritos today. You don’t have to try any but, like, everyone is probably gonna have some Doritos and they’ll notice if you don’t.’ It’s kinda toxic. Though it is nice I have time to see my boyfriend.”

Spitfire Games’ methods were endorsed heartily by labor researcher Dr. Diana Rigby, Honorary Cool Ranch Doritos Chair of Labor Studies at UC Santa Barbara. 

“Studies show that crunching more than 50 hours a week leads to a catastrophic decline in productivity,” said Rigby. “That is most certainly not mucho extreme. So crunching on the sugar and spice hit of Sweet Chili Doritos is definitely the crunch game developers should be after.”

When asked whether prolonged consumption of fried corn and salt would have any impact on worker quality of life, Rigby said, “That is not my area.”

In the end, the marketplace will decide whether this unique approach to crunch is workable. Wrote one Reddit commenter: “Idk. Playing Tire Tactics wouldn’t be fair to the games from developers of other games who actually were mistreated. After all they sacrificed more. I think I’ll skip it.”

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Friend Tragically Rejects Offer of Breath Mint

Posted on by John Danek

CUMBERLAND, Md. — Local man David Englund sealed his own disastrous fate earlier today by reportedly dismissing a friend’s offer of a spearmint Altoid on their way to movies, dejected sources confirmed.

“To dream that I could save my beloved David from the cruel laughter of the gods by a mere breath mint was perhaps my own hubris,” admitted Elizabeth Foley, carrier of the Altoids. “His tongue is steered by a palette which seeks powerful tastes of onion, garlic, and tuna. Sadly, he found the trifecta prior to our viewing of ‘Downhill’ starring Julia Louis-Dreyfuss and Will Ferrell.”

“I considered that on this eve I may share my true and vast feelings with David,” Foley disclosed. “But alas, I refuse to allow our first kiss be scarred by the taste of rotting corpse; I simply won’t allow it! David walks alone towards Hades, and no mortal being can stop him. I carry my love elsewhere.”

Indeed, Englund seemingly lacks all semblance of self-awareness of odor and hygiene.

“People are always shoving goddamn sticks of gum and tins of mints in my face,” said Englund, who is rarely seen without a large-sized coffee from a gas station. “It’s really offensive — what do they think, I’m poor? That I can’t afford my own mints and gum? Well, bucko, I can: I just choose not to. I don’t like how they taste, and I don’t like how they make my mouth feel. I don’t want it to feel like I’m breathing refreshing winter air; I want the hot steam of a New York subway on garbage day.”

Etiquette coaches across the country agree that the offer of a breath mint shouldn’t be considered an option, but rather a suggestion.

“Just take the fucking mint! Why wouldn’t you?” exclaimed etiquette coach Sandra Kent. “It’s free and literally everyone’s breath smells like shit mere seconds after brushing their teeth. I just can’t think of any reason not to. Allergic to peppermint? Carry spearmint with you. Against your religion? Find a new god. Take the mint. Always take the mint.”

As of press time, Englund was hiring paranormal investigators to determine if ghosts are leaving brand new sticks of deodorant in his mailbox.

Photo by Alex Aho

“They’re Actually In Purgatory,” Reports Every Single Fan Theory

Posted on by Charles Bill

NEW YORK — A shocking new fan theory posited by every single Redditor last week claims that your favorite fictional characters are “all in Purgatory waiting to be judged for their sins,” unoriginal, uncreative sources confirmed.

“The first time I ever read a fan theory about characters in ‘Lost’ being in purgatory, I was blown away,” said media enthusiast and consumer Chris Keller. “But by the 17th ‘purgatory’ theory about every show the Internet loves, it started sounding fishy — apparently everyone’s in purgatory, whether it be ‘Spongebob,’ ‘The Golden Girls,’ or the cast of ‘World War II in Color.’ There is some variation — such as the characters only existing in someone’s imagination — but then they go on to postulate that the person imagining the characters is in purgatory. Forgive me for being skeptical, but it just doesn’t seem like Patrick Starr is awaiting eternal judgement in the space between two oblivions.”

Avid fan theory creator Jeremy Boruch declared purgatory as the “only logical explanation of every made-up story in existence.”

“It’s just really obvious when you think about it,” said Boruch. “I’ve examined hundreds of television shows, and uniformly there are hints and clues that the characters are in the waiting room of eternity, and only have each other for company. Like, it was so obvious that in ‘Space Jam,’ Michael Jordan going down the golf hole was a metaphor for his death — the Looney Tunes characters are the angels, and the Monstars are the demons. In fact, the only media I’ve ever seen or read where the characters were not in purgatory was ‘Waiting For Godot.”’

Fictional “Seinfeld” character George Costanza took issue with the theory that his entire life is simply an expiation of sin before he’s allowed to enter Heaven.

“This is ridiculous, Jerry,” said Costanza. “I am not in purgatory. If anything, this is hell. Hell, Jerry! I’ve had to move in with my parents for the fourth time, and Sally isn’t returning my calls.”

Costanza was then cut off by a demonic Newman shrieking in existential terror.

Since publication, new fan theories have come to light indicating that every pair of attractive male characters secretly want to fuck each other.

White House Claiming Trump Moved to Morgue “Simply as a Precautionary Measure”

Posted on by Contributor

WASHINGTON — The White House claimed President Trump’s recent move to a local morgue at the insistence of his doctors was “simply a precautionary measure” despite several rumors to the contrary, definitely not gaslighting officials confirmed.

“Just like with the president’s brief visit to Walter Reed, Trump was moved to, frankly, one of the best mortuaries in the country, out of an abundance of caution. That’s it. And unsurprisingly, the swamp creatures are blowing this way out of proportion,” said campaign manager Bill Stepien. “Doctors have assured us that Trump remains the strongest, healthiest US President in history. His temperature is currently at a perfectly healthy 65.4 degrees Fahrenheit, his entire body is as stiff as a young, supple oak tree, and his skin is as mottled and spongy as ever.”

Stepien however refused to answer when President Trump’s pulse was last tested.

Before the morgue trip, the President hosted a rally in which several supporters noted some odd behavior.

“Things started off great. Hundreds of people in a small, enclosed space with no masks? Sign me up. But when they wheeled Trump out after playing a 45 minutes ‘Best Of’ reel from ‘The Apprentice’ season 2 he kept his eyes closed the whole time, and never really said anything. They painted pupils on his eyelids, but we weren’t fooled,” said rally attendee Will Jacobson. “They tried to jazz things up with some pyrotechnics, but the maintenance crew kept interrupting to chase away vultures that were pecking at the President’s cheeks.”

While the White House continued to downplay the incident, Biden senior advisor Symone Sanders pointed out several strange, possibly related, requests from Team Trump for the next Presidential debate.

“They insisted that the thermostat remain at 36 degrees for the entire evening. And that ‘MAD TV’ alum Frank Caliendo be allowed to answer all questions doing a Trump impression,” said Sanders. “I’m not sure if Trump is dead or not, but on the plus side, corpses can’t spread COVID. So we are now comfortable with Biden attending an in-person debate.”

At press time, rumors of Trump’s demise have raised his approval rating above 50% for the first time ever.

If the Police Are Abolished Who Else Are You Going To Call To Kill You When Your Home Is Being Robbed?

Posted on by Kevin Tit

There’s been a lot of talk about police abolition this year and while there have been a lot of well-articulated cases for it, I’m still not completely on board. There’s one thing nobody has mentioned that impacts a lot of Americans. If the police are abolished, what other organization can we call to come kill us when our home is being robbed?

We know that cops will kill anybody, anywhere, any time. In some precincts, that motto has even replaced “to protect and serve.” Now, this may sound like a bad thing but let’s not be cemented in the present, lest we neglect our future. I forget who said that. Probably Columbo.

For instance, I don’t suffer from depression but I have thought about how I would hypothetically kill myself plenty of times before. Fortunately, I’ve seen quite a few stories about homeowners calling the police for help only to be mistaken as the intruder and murdered in cold blood. That’s when it hit me! If I, or anyone like me, decides they want an out from this hellish nightmare we call life, they can just call 911 the boys in blue will put our tax dollars to work and end our misery.

This tradition transcends race and class. Everyone can rely on this service. One of the only true examples of equality in this country. You can’t get this service from anywhere else. Firefighters won’t do it. Doctors won’t do it. Only the police department has the authorization to kill like this. If we get rid of them, who else do we have? Nobody.

This is why I don’t support police abolition. I support police reform. It’s time to stop the reckless killing of innocent people in the streets. Save the executions for those of us in our own homes calling on you for help.

Man Hopes Date Doesn’t Notice He Lied About Being Danzig

Posted on by Sari Beliak

LOS ANGELES –– Local man Eric Dunklin secretly hopes his Tinder date Melissa Chavez doesn’t notice he lied about being Glenn Danzig on his dating profile, curious bar patrons reported.

“Yeah, I know it’s dishonest, but everybody lies on these dating apps,” said the 36-year-old Dunklin while using the bathroom during his date at a local dive bar. “I’ve been trying to get back out there since Shelly left me, and I wanted to make a good first impression… so when Melissa and I started messaging and hit it off, I may have embellished a bit about myself, and led her to believe I’m the frontman for the Misfits.”

“I hope I haven’t totally blown it,” he added. “When I asked her what she was looking for in a partner, she never specifically mentioned that she was looking for Danzig, so maybe I still have a chance with her.”

Despite his best efforts, onlookers reported that Dunklin’s date was immediately and visibly disappointed.

“As soon as we started talking, I just knew this guy wasn’t Danzig,” said a disappointed Chavez. “I keep meeting these losers who say all the right things and look stocky and shirtless in their profile pictures, but then I meet them, and it’s pretty obvious they’ve never even heard of Samhain, let alone fronted them. I don’t know why this keeps happening to me. I just want what everyone wants — to meet Danzig and fall in love. But I just don’t think I can put myself out there to be tricked like this again.”

Relationship experts claim that, although it may be tempting, it’s best to avoid misrepresenting yourself as Glenn Danzig on dating apps.

“With more people meeting online, it can seem harmless to tell a white lie or two, but you can’t base a relationship on lies,” said relationship coach Elizabeth Trents. “Eventually, the other person is gonna find out you weren’t really in a well-known horrorcore band and you’ll have to come clean. It’s best to just say something vague, like you liked their earlier stuff, or your cousin saw them in Jersey once. But the most important thing is to just be yourself, even if that isn’t Glenn Danzig.”

Chavez has since become more vigilant in her swiping, keeping a close eye out for Graves-era Bumble profiles.