WASHINGTON — During a speech to Congress this afternoon, intended to emphasize and strengthen the bond between the U.S. and the U.K. despite the currently polarizing political climate, King Charles described President Trump as “Like my brother to me,” sources confirmed.
“I don’t just mean like ‘a’ brother to me,” clarified the British monarch, “I mean he is literally just like my actual brother, former prince Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor. They like the same sorts of things, they have the same sort of friends, the same general disposition, honestly, it’s quite uncanny. They even look a bit alike, at least in some of the polaroids I’ve seen of them together, er, letting their hair down, so to speak. And, like my brother, I am proud to say, I consider President Trump to be family first, and an enormous liability to me second.”
At press time, the President was practicing saying “I’m not a rapist” the way someone who never raped anyone might and could not be reached for comment.
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