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How To Control Your Pure, Carnal Desire When Your Date Orders the Extra Spicy Wings for Badasses Only

Hot sauce is famously the only aphrodisiac that works when the other person eats it, but it’s no mystery why. It’s simple biology; pain tolerance is required for survival, and survival is required for procreation. Ergo, the hotter the pepper, the hotter the man.

With that in mind, picture this: You’re on a date at Buffalo Wild Wings when the waiter comes by and asks if you’re ready to order food. You start to take a sip of your beverage when your date says he’s “going with the Blazin’ Wings Challenge.” A hush falls over the restaurant as the other patrons spin around to look. You cartoonishly spit out your diet coke. The aghast waiter silently nods before scurrying off to fetch the waiver.

Now just look at you. You’re already half-feral and they haven’t even brought the wings out yet. Don’t let this be you—plan ahead.

Go near closing time to minimize the risk of making a scene. Attracting a crowd of suitors at peak hours will naturally create a sense of urgency to seduce them before the competition does, making you more likely to rush the process and fumble.

Avoid Direct Eye Contact While Eating

Gazing into their eyes while they fearlessly tear into another flat is bound to awaken your most primal urges. So when the food comes out, try to focus on your cry-baby sissy wings as much as possible. Don’t worry, they will know what you’re doing and respect that you know your limits.

Ask About Their Favorite Podcasts
No matter what they listen to, it shouldn’t be too hard to find a thoroughly unsexy podcast hot-take to discuss. Don’t get too political here; the spice makes tempers flare, after all. Asinine conspiracy theories usually do the trick.

Fake A Phone Call
This is a good excuse to step away from the table to regain your composure. Just try to hide how much your hands and legs are shaking as you stand up.

Make Them Wear One Of Those Adult Bibs Like They Have At Seafood Restaurants
You may have to wear one yourself to get them to go along with it, but if you’re in a pinch they work like a charm. You won’t be able to take another word they say seriously for the rest of dinner.

And above all, be respectful! Remember, if you can’t keep cool, don’t seek the heat. Good luck!