WASHINGTON — The White House claimed President Trump’s recent move to a local morgue at the insistence of his doctors was “simply a precautionary measure” despite several rumors to the contrary, definitely not gaslighting officials confirmed.
“Just like with the president’s brief visit to Walter Reed, Trump was moved to, frankly, one of the best mortuaries in the country, out of an abundance of caution. That’s it. And unsurprisingly, the swamp creatures are blowing this way out of proportion,” said campaign manager Bill Stepien. “Doctors have assured us that Trump remains the strongest, healthiest US President in history. His temperature is currently at a perfectly healthy 65.4 degrees Fahrenheit, his entire body is as stiff as a young, supple oak tree, and his skin is as mottled and spongy as ever.”
Stepien however refused to answer when President Trump’s pulse was last tested.
Before the morgue trip, the President hosted a rally in which several supporters noted some odd behavior.
“Things started off great. Hundreds of people in a small, enclosed space with no masks? Sign me up. But when they wheeled Trump out after playing a 45 minutes ‘Best Of’ reel from ‘The Apprentice’ season 2 he kept his eyes closed the whole time, and never really said anything. They painted pupils on his eyelids, but we weren’t fooled,” said rally attendee Will Jacobson. “They tried to jazz things up with some pyrotechnics, but the maintenance crew kept interrupting to chase away vultures that were pecking at the President’s cheeks.”
While the White House continued to downplay the incident, Biden senior advisor Symone Sanders pointed out several strange, possibly related, requests from Team Trump for the next Presidential debate.
“They insisted that the thermostat remain at 36 degrees for the entire evening. And that ‘MAD TV’ alum Frank Caliendo be allowed to answer all questions doing a Trump impression,” said Sanders. “I’m not sure if Trump is dead or not, but on the plus side, corpses can’t spread COVID. So we are now comfortable with Biden attending an in-person debate.”
At press time, rumors of Trump’s demise have raised his approval rating above 50% for the first time ever.