Kids With Two Living Parents Demand Representation in Disney Films

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

BURBANK, Cali. — A protest was held outside Disney headquarters earlier this week by the organization Kids of Two Loving Parents (KoTLP) demanding that the company start representing them in their kids’ films.

“I grew up watching Disney films and thought I was weird for having two parents,” KoTLP founder Meghan Torres said during the protest. “How come one of my parents hadn’t died tragically? How come I didn’t have any step-siblings? From Snow White to Big Hero 6, we were given depictions of fractured homes that were wholly unrealistic. I used to be so jealous of the orphan I went to school with, not to mention Katie’s whose mom died, like, right when Finding Nemo came out. How lucky was she?!”

Disney publicity officer, Leslie James, understands KoTLP’s concerns but defends her company.

“We here at Disney want everyone to feel like they are part of the Disney family, even if they have a family of their own,” James said in a press statement. “Rapunzel is reunited with both of her parents in Tangled, and what about The Incredibles? Is Moana’s mom alive, I can’t remember. I think she was. See, there’s another one. We hope to represent everyone. For every Max Goof, whose mom just doesn’t seem to exist, there is a Miguel from Coco who has both of his parents. I think we literally just forgot to put a father in Spies In Disguise but he is alive in the story’s canon.”

USC Film History professor Mandy Mills, however, feels Disney has a long road ahead of it.

‘Belle, Jasmine, Lilo & Nani, Tiana, Bambi, Tarzan, Ariel, Elsa & Anna, Cinderella, I mean, and those are just the big box-office films. And where is Andy’s dad in Toy Story?! We don’t know,” Mills said during a lecture on underrepresented groups in film. “Where is the film for little Billy and Susy whose parents are still together after 25 years and have family board game night once a week? Look at Onward, they are trying to bring back the spirit of their dead father! What child from a two-parent household can relate to that?!”

As of press time, Diney contacted us to remind us that both of Mulan’s parents are still alive.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Lost Red Bull Car Ends Up in Military Parade

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

PYONGYANG — Confusing intelligence officials who initially mistook it as some unusual model of short-barrel tank, a Red Bull branded SUV reportedly found itself lost in the middle of a recent North Korean military parade celebrating the 75th anniversary of the Workers’ Party of Korea, sources say.

“The North Korean government loves to use their parades as an opportunity to show off their new military vehicles, so when we saw a small silver and blue vehicle with a large canister pointing at a 45-degree angle, we assumed it was just another new weapon they’d built,” said Philip Moore, member of a watchdog group working to monitor the proliferation of nuclear weapons. “Now that we’ve reviewed some higher-resolution satellite photos, it’s clear that it’s actually just one of those old Red Bull cars that you’d see at music festivals. It’s really hard to say how it ended up there, but I know one thing for sure: it’s definitely lost.”

U.S. intelligence officials were equally surprised by the news, but said that the car could be a powerful strategic asset on the ground in Pyongyang.

“We’re working hard to try and get in contact with the driver of the Red Bull car,” said an unnamed State Department official. “Since these are promotional vehicles, it’s very possible that there are still unopened cans of Red Bull in the car’s trunk. It might even have a built-in mini fridge to keep the drinks cold. If we could somehow get the driver of the car to convince Kim Jong Un to try a free Red Bull, it could exacerbate his recent heart condition, neutralizing him and preventing the threat of military strike against the U.S.”

The State Department official was enthusiastic that the presence of the Red Bull car could be an advantage for the U.S. amid cold relations with North Korea.

“It’s good to have plenty of strategic assets in a tense diplomatic standoff, and we’ve actually seen this approach work before. We snuck an Oscar-Meyer Weinermobile into the German–Soviet military parade in Brest-Litovsk in 1939 and that was a hugely important part of why we beat the Nazis.”

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Terrified at the Thought of Saving Money for a Few Months, Canadian Gamblers Risk it All

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

TORONTO, Canada – Thousands of career gamblers faced with the terrifying prospect of actually saving some money for once have chosen instead to do the courageous thing and risk their lives in an unregulated, illegal and unsanitary casino. Rather than sacrifice their weekly tradition of handing over their life savings to ruthless casino operators, these patriotic Canadian gamblers have branched out and taken matters into their own, unwashed hands. 

 

In typical overbearing fashion, the ever-cautious Canadian government recently tried to meddle in the lives of decent God-fearing citizens by shutting down large public entertainment venues like casinos until this whole “deadly-virus-that-threatens-to-kill-us-all” thing blows over. The audacity of these governments to enact logical and rational measures in an attempt to save the lives of their citizens continues to be a topic of much controversy throughout the second half of 2020 and shows no sign of abating. 

 

Naturally, gamblers across the country flew into a frenzy of panic at the thought of not being able to wager every last penny of their hard earned cash on statistically unfavorable games of chance and immediately started searching for alternative options. However, unable to attend their local money-swallowing haunts, Toronto gamblers were forced to find new and novel ways to keep alive that endearing dream of winning the ever elusive jackpot.  

 

Rather than the obvious choice – stay safely at home and play online at real money US casinos – the risk-hungry hockey fans decided that a 46.37% chance of winning at American roulette is far more attractive than a 99.9% chance of not slowly choking to death on your own phlegm. 

 

As a result, thousands of gamblers recently descended upon an opulent Toronto mansion converted into a high-stakes casino the likes of which Lucky Luciano himself would find excessive. The illegal casino’s operator and blatant Ontario native Hei Hei Hei, decked out the 20,000 sq ft mansion with luxury items like shark fin poutine, hot tubs full of maple syrup, genuine grizzly bear croupiers, and 17 different types of hockey-themed slot machines. 

 

Keeping in-line with the theme of the party – ‘Risky Business’ – Wei ensured not a single mask or bottle of hand sanitizer was anywhere to be found on the premises, ensuring his patrons were given the best possible chance of never coming back to collect their winnings. However, Hei’s casino kingpin dreams were cut short after local authorities became suspicious of a queue at a nearby ATM that resembled the ticket line for a Canadiens-Maple Leafs Stanley Cup Final.  

 

Following a three-day stakeout at a nearby poutinerie, 174 mounties armed with standard issue Wayne Gretzky signature series hockey sticks raided the illegal casino in the early hours of Monday morning, arresting Hei, his wife, his mother-in-law, several patrons, four tuxedoed grizzly bears, and a very confused Uber driver. Several more patrons who had lost their homes that evening by doubling down on a particularly tense game of Sic Bo begged to also be arrested along with Hei and his family but were denied on the grounds that their dry, chesty coughs were disturbing the all-round jolly nature of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP). 

 

“Sorry aboot that, eh,” offered Mountie-in-Training Jonny Zamboni. 

 

The operation was part of a much larger investigation into the illegal underground activities of highly skilled, card-counting caribou believed to frequent such establishments and fleece patrons of their hard earned Canadian dollars. 

 

“The fact that these upstanding citizens, who otherwise would never expose themselves to unnecessarily risky behaviour, tried to pit themselves against the mighty Caribou is beyond explanation,” said Chief of the RCMP, Jerry “H-E-double-hockey-sticks” Barnburner. “Honestly, it’s like they just have no concern for their own well-being. Oh, and also they didn’t wash their hands. Seriously guys, the hands.” 

 

Mounties confiscated several tons of gambling equipment, 4,000 litres of maple-syrup moonshine, six of those cool hats that look like moose heads, $700,000 CAD, zero masks, a PHL-16 multiple rocket launcher, and a coupon for 1 free Nanaimo bar at Nicky’s Midnight Diner. 

 

Early reports suggest that evidence discovered during the raid may help to provide further clues as to the masterminds behind the notorious Card-counting Caribou Cartel who prey on idiotic and irresponsible citizens. However, until further action can be taken, police advise all citizens to maybe just stay home and stop being so silly, eh? 

 

The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week — Oops! All Donkey Kong

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

I’ll admit to you, dear readers, that this week was a bit of a crisis for me. Not many people were commenting on our articles, and I was worried that I wouldn’t have any material for the column this week. Then I noticed that all of you had seemingly focused all attention towards one article about Donkey Kong. I should have never doubted you all; you were simply waiting for your muse. I won’t keep you waiting any longer. Let’s take a trip to Donkey Kong Country.

5. Study: 85% of Christians Still Do Not Believe Humans Evolved From Donkey Kong

Signmanstrr AC:NH knows the first step of debating: don’t. By giving non-believers a platform, we are validating their position. How else would we be able to play DK Bongos unless we had genetically inherited the ability from Donkey Kong himself?

4. Study: 85% of Christians Still Do Not Believe Humans Evolved From Donkey Kong

Thankfully, rising global temperatures means more tropical climates for bananas to grow in. Life will go back to how it was meant to be — riding rhinos, shooting out of barrels and living in a cave with our immense banana hordes. I’d trade capitalism for fighting giant crocodiles any day.

3. Study: 85% of Christians Still Do Not Believe Humans Evolved From Donkey Kong

Classic character creationist argument. If this were true, all humans would look like giant penis monsters and would have been given up on by the civilization stage. Not to mention, the universe would have crashed to desktop millions of years ago.

2. Study: 85% of Christians Still Do Not Believe Humans Evolved From Donkey Kong

Creationists will tell you that all those coconuts found near the skeletons of megafauna are planted, but we all know the truth. Anthropologists have been studying this primitive technology for decades.

1. Study: 85% of Christians Still Do Not Believe Humans Evolved From Donkey Kong

Finally, your dream has come true
Turns out you’re a member of the D-K crew!
Your smart, and clever, thanks to humanity
But that means you live in a so-ciety!
You can vote, but it does not matter
This Kong has no actual power!
You can’t lift boulders, can’t run up a tree
This Kong doesn’t even use their degree!
Huh!

Thank you to all you wonderful Kongs for your comments! If you want a chance to be featured in next week’s column, be sure to leave a comment on any of our posts across social media. Have a great week everyone!

Get Dead’s New Record Ominously Shows Up in Trump’s Streaming Library

Posted on by Noah Leavy

BETHESDA, Md. — White House officials were alarmed this morning after President Donald Trump discovered a presumed threat to “Get Dead” when scrolling through his music streaming library.

“I woke up to this text blast to all the staffers that said ‘ANTIFA THREAT IN MY ITUNES’, and ‘Need leftists out of phone now!’” confirmed a source close to the President’s inner circle. “Turns out some album showed up in his music library, which he only uses for his special recordings of Ivanka breathing, and I guess the title scared him? He ended up deleting everything on that phone.”

Despite quickly attributing the oversight to the band Get Dead’s new album, ‘Dancing with the Curse,’ President Trump tweeted directly to Apple Music executives to “share concerns over a personal threat being directed at him,”.

“We’re not sure what happened. Normally, I’d see a call from the President as a career highlight, but none of us anticipated this. He berated me to ‘track down’ ‘the far left terrorists who told him to get dead’ or my career would be over. That’s not even close to proper grammar. He knows I don’t work for him, right?” said Apple Music executive Mariam Abreu. “We have no clue who would have done this, we didn’t even know he used our service, and we certainly don’t go out of our way to give indie artists free exposure.”

Get Dead themselves were also initially frazzled by Trump’s exposure to the new release, according to bassist Tim Mehew.

“When we first heard it ended up in his library, we were like, ‘Oh, fuck.’ But when he tweeted calling for us to be investigated by DHS, we were like ‘fuck, yeah!’” explained Mehew. “Obviously, the new record rips, but having a fan in a Nazi president would be a PR nightmare, so we’re glad he hated it. Having Trump dislike our music is honestly the most scene cred anyone could ask for. Honestly, we’re still pissed our side project, Don’t You Dare Fucking Die, couldn’t push out a release before RBG passed, but you win some and lose some.”

At press time, officials were attempting to delete various apps and albums the President accidentally downloaded in a late-night MSG and powdered cheese-induced fever.

Opinion: I Drink Carrot Juice Now

Posted on by Jay Shingle

Increased metabolism, stronger vision, boosted immune system (um, HELLO COVID), reduced cancer risk, lowered cholesterol, and strengthened brain function—these are just six of the endless benefits that come from adding carrot juice to your diet, according to Google and my nutritionist friend, Carla. This is why I drink carrot juice now, with almost every meal.

I drink carrot juice. This is me now. Okay? Okay.

Ever since I quit drinking six months ago, investing in my body and future self has been my replacement identity. Last week I went to the grocery store to get some apple cider vinegar tonic and oat milk, and there it was: a beautiful, frothy, orange liquid screaming at me to better my health. I’ve been a carrot head ever since.

It’s more than a dietary change. It’s an entire lifestyle bro.

I drink it daily. I feel more alert. I feel happier. It pairs with everything: avocado toast, quinoa tacos, and even tastes good in combination with my mint Juul pod (cigarette-free for two weeks now bro). I have a lot of sober friends who are always downing seltzer water for their beverage fixes, and I just don’t get it! It’s like: don’t you know those “natural flavors” could be all sorts of things that they aren’t telling you? Sorry, but when I’m drinking 100 percent carrot juice, I know it’s truly NATURAL. Plus it makes your pee look cool.

What I’m after is the carrot’s beta-carotene, one of the most powerful antioxidants. Have your laugh about carrots improving your eyesight immediately, like in the cartoons, but actually drinking carrot juice can help protect you against eye disorders, like macular degeneration, cataracts, and blindness. Now I’m not a doctor, but I am a spiritual healer.

I used to have coffee in the mornings, but caffeine is over; it’s terrible for you! Cheers to the proud carrot consumers out there; I SEE you!

So yeah, I drink carrot juice now. I live a carrot juice based lifestyle. I have carrot juice friends. We like to get together and talk about how people aren’t drinking enough carrot juice. I found my thing. This isn’t like the two weeks I spent eating acai or the two weeks I spent doing Bikram yoga or the two weeks I spent drinking celery juice, this is legit. I’m a carrot juice guy.

Ok, I’m bored now, who wants to teach me how to brew Kambucha?

Desk Officer Who Sent Violent, Racist Email Reassigned to Uniformed Patrol

Posted on by Yash Dare

AURORA, Colo. — Desk Sgt. Shane Winchfeld, an eight-year veteran of the Aurora Police Department, was promoted to patrol duty today after emailing an aggressively worded, racist diatribe to a local citizen, proud department officials confirmed.

“Maybe I was a little stressed,” laughed Winchfeld. “Negative police imagery fueled by these fucking protesters and dweebs on TikTok just got to me. Plus, earlier in the day my wife, who, despite what she might say, I do not abuse, left with the kids and it seems like it’s for good this time. So, when the station got an email saying we need to do a better job in communities of color, I just lost my shit and fired off that reply. Something changed in me. And now, with a gun in my hand, I truly feel that I can use that anger to protect and serve the property of white people all around the city from anyone even a shade darker than me.”

Cpt. Mark Mingus, Winchfeld’s commanding officer, is confident in the move.

“Sgt. Winchfeld’s emails are violent, disturbing, and unfitting for an administrative law enforcement agent,” said Mingus. “He has so much hatred inside his body that it makes him perfectly suited for an armed and uniformed police officer. The vitriol and anti-Black sentiment Winch displayed — the way he shot that hollow, pointed email at a concerned citizen without considering the consequences — is going to translate perfectly to the beat.”

Community advocates are deeply worried by Winchfeld’s reassignment, as well as the effect it will have on an already tense relationship between the APD and over-policed Coloradans.

“Sgt. Winchfeld’s move from the desk to the street following the obscene email he sent me is, in essence, a paradigm of the systemic racism we condemn,” said Alysha James, the woman who initially reached out to APD to express her concern. “We know the state of affairs: we see it in the unlawful searches of our properties, in the shootings of our unarmed youth… hell, we saw it when an off-duty desk officer kicked a Mexican girl off her bicycle and was promoted to Captain as soon as video footage confirmed it was him.”

As of press time, a judge approved a raid on Alysha James’ residence because she didn’t immediately thank Sgt. Winchfield for directing a racist tirade at her.

The Next Yo La Tengo? I’ve Never Listened To This Band Either

Posted on by John Danek

So there I was at a socially un-distanced party at a buddy’s lake house when someone asked if anyone has heard good new music. This girl chimed in and said she saw some band named Inexplicably Wet Hair got a decent review on Pitchfork that day, but no one had actually heard it yet.

And at that moment, we all came to a startling realization: Inexplicably Wet Hair is clearly the next Yo La Tengo!

And by that, I mean: a band you always see get consistently good reviews and decent placement on year-end or best-of-decade lists, but literally no one you will ever meet has listened to them. No one owns an album of theirs or has a concert ticket stub framed. You can’t find anyone who ever chose to watch them at a festival over Interpol or Tyler the Creator or Ween. You’ve never seen a merch shirt of theirs. Hell, I’m not entirely convinced Yo La Tengo exists.

So this all leads me to believe that Inexplicably Wet Hair is the second coming of Yo La Tengo. In researching further for this article, I decided to pull up Spotify and navigate to IWH’s page. The moment I hit play, a few minutes pass by in an instant; my brain feels like it was just listening to music, but I can’t remember what I just heard. Couldn’t even hum it. Did it happen? Did I hear music? Fuck if I know.

I’m going to be really honest with you here, and I’m trusting you with something embarrassing: I thought Yo La Tengo was a mariachi band until I was like 29. Admittedly, this is not my proudest cultural moment. I’ve grown a lot since then! And it’s not just a language thing: I actually bet money once that Archers of Loaf were some Jackass-inspired prank gang who shot up turds with crossbows. What I’m saying is: I’m not bright and I absolutely failed Spanish. And I still haven’t listened to Yo La.

But regardless, I don’t want to look like a moron, so both Inexplicably Wet Hair and Yo La Tengo are going to place highly on my year-end Top 50 Albums list.

Bass Player Orders Lead Singer’s Cameo to Figure Out When Next Practice Is

Posted on by Ryan Danley

LOS ANGELES — Ronnie Jordan, the bassist for Los Angeles glam-rock band Humdinger, reached out to his band’s lead singer Dikki Spitz via celebrity video-sharing website Cameo today in hopes of determining when the band’s next practice will be.

“Since our breakout hit, Dikki has been tough to pin down. I sent multiple texts, two emails — I even tried messaging our Facebook fan page. Nothing. Then I remembered he was wishing people ‘Happy Birthday’ on Cameo for $25, so I borrowed some money from my mom and gave it a shot,” said Jordan from his studio apartment. “I know he’s busy with lead singer stuff, so I just requested a simple message about when our band is going to practice next. I gotta say, it was nice to hear his voice… I mean, I’ve been his best friend since the 6th grade.”

While the popularity of the “pay-to-meet” celebrity video is skyrocketing with fans, stars like Spitz rave about how it also has made their life far more manageable.

“I hit up my Cameo fam every day. Before I even have coffee, I wish some folks Happy Birthday and say hey to a few ladies. I even had time to tell the bass player guy that someone from my team would get back to him in the next couple weeks about practice,” said Spitz from his Malibu home. “To be able to talk directly to my people is a dream come true; it keeps me humble. To the fans and the long-time bass player of my own band: I’m no one without you. You’re the real Humdingers.”

Founder of Cameo Daniel Whorley sees situations like Jordan’s as a representation of the many opportunities that lie ahead.

“When we created Cameo, our vision was to create a way for people to get a personalized message from a favorite celebrity. But imagine the possibilities for secondary band members who aren’t included in the songwriting process: a busy lead singer can’t be expected to talk to every random guitar tech, sound guy, or bass player for free,” said Whorely. ”I see a whole new future, where you will pay to talk to all sorts of people who don’t have time for you… maybe your senator, or your boss, or even your rock star or pro athlete parent.”

Jordan was last seen trying to lift his bass and amp onto a city bus.

Alt Right Group Accidentally Kidnaps Michigan J. Frog

Posted on by Twitch Plays Hard Drive

LANSING, Mich. — In a comic, but ultimately tragic mishap, a local alt-right militia group attempting to kidnap Michigan governor Gretchen Whitmer has accidentally kidnapped famed Warner Brothers mascot Michigan J. Frog.

“I don’t know what the deal with this Governor Michigan is, but all the sudden he ain’t talking,” said alt-right militia member and down-on his-luck-vagrant, Russell Hughes. “I swear to God he was singing and dancing about how we all need to wear masks, but as soon as we tried to show the media, he shuts up! We look like a bunch of damn idiots!”

Fellow cartoon character Foghorn Leghorn was reportedly upset that his friend Michigan had been kidnapped.

“They’re comin’ for us!” Leghorn said, he said, he said, he said, he said, in a press release issued this afternoon. “I tell you, this needs to be dealt with, boy! We need to organize, I say! First Elmer Fudd came for Bugs, and I said, I said, I said, I said nothing because I was not Bugs Bunny, but now they’re pointing guns at all of us!”

According to those familiar with the situation, former Chicago resident Michael Jordan has not kept up with the various cartoon characters he worked with on Space Jam.

“Hey man, it was just a job for me. I’m not keeping up with Taz, or whatever. Plus, I was pretty fucking faded that entire production,” Jordan explained. “I did date Lola Bunny for a few years, but fuck, man, that did not end well. I can’t even see my weird, fucked up half-Jordan, half-bunny kids anymore. I lost those little freaks in the divorce.”

At press time, a bunch of alt-right militia members were seen with small cups trying to kidnap Lake Michigan one glass at a time.