Little Baby Boy Tom Holland Stars in Big Grown Up Movie With Adults

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Young baby child and Spider-Man actor Tom Holland stars in the new film The Devil All the Time with all the big grown up actors. 

“It was very nice working with such a sweet little boy in my new movie,” said director Antonio Campos. “He’s quite amazing, to be honest; he can do all the big boy acting stuff that the grown-ups do! It’s very cute to watch him working on his little accents and facial expressions and such. I hope he sticks with acting! A lot of kids lose interest as they get older and realize the reality of the industry.”

According to those on set, it was a welcome change having a child running around for once, instead of a bunch of adults, like normal.

“It really brightened the mood of the whole cast, having Tom play pretend with us. You gotta remember sometimes that this whole thing is pretty darn silly. I guess having a baby boy like Tom Holland hanging with the adults made us remember that,” said co-star Robert Pattinson. “Sometimes it’s good to just remember what it’s like to be young and not hung up with the problems that come with adulthood. Oh to be Tom’s age, again. Running around chasing butterflies or whatever it is that children get up to.”

At press time, Holland’s smooshy little baby face explained that he had no idea what any of his co-workers were talking about.

“I swear to god,” Holland said,” every time those guys talk, all I hear is the sound the parents make in Peanuts.”

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Tony Hawk Controversially Wins Tournament After Being Allowed Two Dozen Restarts

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

MIAMI — Professional skateboarder Tony Hawk surprised the skateboarding community after winning a tournament by successfully convincing the judges to let him start over consequence-free over twenty times. 

“Whoa, the Birdman is back,” said Otto Vaugn, a seriously stoked spectator. “He came out of nowhere and we obviously all freaked out. I mean, just to see Tony Hawk is incredible, let alone witness his return to competition. It was a little soured by the fact that he kept eating shit and asking everyone if it was cool if he restarted, but I mean, who’s going to tell Tony Hawk ‘No’?”

Hawk’s repeated runs at yesterday’s Miami stop of The Dew Tour came following a day’s worth of competition from many of today’s premiere skaters, several of which had mixed feelings about the legend’s return. 

“He’s the greatest of all time, there’s no doubt about that,” said Leo Baker, who was recently included in the Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 1+2 remake released earlier this year. “But by the end there he was just screaming ‘Restart!’ every time he messed up and not even waiting for the judge’s approval. Super unfair, but we all just decided it’d be best to let him keep going until he did one he felt good about.”

Following what he’d deemed a successful run, that he pointed out still didn’t feel quite perfect, Hawk announced that the competition would then be able to enter the judging phase, where his 360 Varial McTwist into Rowley Darkslide into 1080 Indy Grab into Wallplant into second 360 Varial McTwist earned him perfect marks from the judges. 

“Oh man, it’s so good to be back after all of these years,” said Hawk, following his victory. “I get that some people are pissed about all the restarts, but it is important to me to perform at my absolute highest level. If i’m coming back, you better believe I am going to do everything in my power to protect my legacy. This isn’t a game to me, this is skateboarding.” 

As of press time, Hawk had declared his intentions to enter the mysterious skating competition being held at Area 51 next month.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Perfect! This Lasagna Recipe Has a 3,000 Word Prologue About Somebody’s Dead Grandma

Posted on by Ted Pillow

Dinner was supposed to be served 45 minutes ago and I haven’t even pre-heated the oven yet. But who cares about eating? This lasagna recipe has an incredibly moving 3,000 word prologue about the author’s dead grandma and I am HERE FOR IT.

My girlfriend invited her parents over tonight so I could meet them for the first time and wow them with some homemade cooking. I figured, “How hard could lasagna be?” It turns out the answer is, “Pretty hard if your only guide is a eulogy.”

I was panicked when I started Googling “quick lasagna recipe” as my future in-laws strolled in the door. I was looking for something simple and easy to use. At least, that’s what I thought I wanted. It turns out that what I really needed, deep down inside, was an unsolicited college application essay involving family, comfort food, and a very problematic stance on Mussolini.

Thankfully, that’s exactly what I got from chef Guy LaRusso’s “Fast N Easy Lasagna Recipe.” First, I tried skipping to the end to get straight to the actual instructions. But, fortunately, the recipe has been painstakingly designed to prevent just that, as several essential directions are scattered throughout a powerful prologue detailing LaRusso’s childhood relationship with his grandma.

“Nonna’s cooking apron was a beautifully woven relic from the Old Country,” writes LaRusso. “It was usually covered with the remnants of 2 cans of tomato paste, which is what you’ll need to recreate her authentic lasagna. The apron had been passed down for generations and featured a hand-stitched patch which read simply, ‘Bada Bing!’ I never did get to ask Nonna what it meant…”

Powerful stuff. I’ve been silently sobbing in the kitchen for an hour now. LaRusso really captures his Nonna’s essence, including her journey to America, her struggle to feed a big family on very little money, and a surprisingly graphic depiction of her sex life.

So, did I learn how to make lasagna? No. Will my girlfriend and her parents be pleased when I emerge from the kitchen empty-handed? Certainly not. But I met someone special tonight. A tough old woman from Tuscany who loved her family, knew her way around the kitchen, and who once fucked Tony Bennnett in a public phone booth. And that’s a “Bada bing!” in my book.

Colorado Hides 500 Tons of Pot in Giant Altoids Tin Before Kamala Harris Visit

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

DENVER — The entire state of Colorado hid 500 tons of legal marijuana in a building-sized Altoids tin prior to a campaign visit from former California Attorney General and current Vice Presidential candidate Senator Kamala Harris, slightly paranoid and bleary-eyed sources confirmed.

“Weed may be legal here in Colorado, but it’s technically still banned at the federal level… and Kamala used to have a real hard-on for busting pot users, so we’re not taking any chances,” explained Colorado Gov. Jared Polis. “Assuming everyone can get their herb inside the giant Altoids tin, all the head shops pretend to be pet stores as instructed, and no one in the state is a fucking narc, we might just pull this off.”

Civil engineer and massive Altoids tin designer Thomas Hirst admitted, however, that it may not have been the best hiding spot.

“Well, normally an Altoids tin is a great place for weed — the mint smell masks that kush stench nicely, and there’s room for your lighter. Plus, no one’s the wiser if they see it in your car console or something,” said Hirst. “But a 10-story tall mint container in the middle of downtown Denver invites a lot of questions. When Sen. Harris asked about it, we all told her we’d never seen that Altoids tin before, and that Wyoming must have left it behind when they visited last weekend.”

Glenwood Springs resident Gia Simmonds described the nerve-wracking experience of Sen. Harris visiting her town.

“[Harris] stopped by one of the hot springs for a photo-op, and we all just stood nervously, hiding our bongs behind our backs. But my girlfriend ripped a tube right before the motorcade rolled in, so she had to hold the smoke in her lungs for the entire 45-minute visit,” said Simmonds. “At one point, Sen. Harris asked, ‘What’s that smell?’ And we all said, ‘Uhhhh, must be a skunk.’ I hope she bought it.”

Gov. Polis has decided that, in preparation for the scheduled October visit from Vice President Mike Pence, it’ll be easier for all six million Colorado residents to pretend they’re on vacation rather than try to hide every single thing that might offend him.

Opinion: You’re Either a Cat Person or a Dog Person or a Normal Fucking Person Who Likes Both

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Time to take a fucking stand, people. You are either a dog person: loyal, social, and agreeable. Or you are a cat person: independent, reserved, and creative. Or you are the mythical third type of human; a mysterious specter, with the unique ability to find gray areas within a seemingly binary issue. You know, a normal fucking person.

Most things in life are not binary, regardless of what your favorite conservative meme would have you believe. Don’t agree? Change my mind.

For a prime example of this, look no further than the heated “cats versus dogs” argument. You see, when building your personality from scratch it’s common practice to base a major part of your identity around your relationship with either cats or dogs, but curiously never both. Why can’t you be a cat person some days and a dog person others? Hell, maybe every once in a while you’ll have a day where you’re a bird person! But never a tarantula person. Those people are weird.

Cats and dogs actually have a lot in common. Not only are they kept as your prisoners in your home only to be let outside and fed at times when you see fit, but they’re both cute as hell. Why limit yourself to just one over the other when you can simply have both types of furry detainees?

On the other hand, have you ever met a cat and couldn’t believe their disinterest in you? Or have you hung around a dog and were floored that they gave everyone more attention than they gave you? Could be that you’re neither a cat or dog person and are literally just an asshole person who forces people to choose between false dichotomies? Animals can sniff that shit out, ya know.

It’s essential to keep an open mind and avoid thinking of the world as black and white. So whether you’re a cat, dog, or “both” person, just be happy you’re not a tarantula person. Seriously, they’re fucking weird.

Bassist Forced to Eat 250 Cartons of Eggs so Band Can Soundproof Rehearsal Space

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

JERSEY CITY, N.J. — Bassist and new band member Dylan McCuskey must eat no less than 3,000 eggs so his band can use the empty cartons for soundproofing, confused grocery store sources confirmed.

“At first, I was hard boiling the eggs, but apparently the guys want to start playing in Mike’s mom’s basement by next week… so to speed things up, I started pinching my nose and downing these bad boys raw. It’s called working smarter, not harder,” said McCuskey. “A lot of people might think it’s cruel and inhumane to force someone to eat 3,000 eggs in seven days, but let’s call it what it is: band bros hazing the new guy. The way I see it, if I do everything they ask without question, they’ll eventually start respecting me as a full-fledged member of the band.”

Guitarist Mike Keys explained the thought process behind the soundproofing project.

“Our previous bassist was in charge of soundproofing, but he died unexpectedly. No one’s quite sure what happened to him,” said Keys, knowing full well the previous bassist died from salmonella after consuming hundreds of raw eggs. “To be honest, I always thought using egg cartons as soundproofing was a myth, so I’m not even sure this is going to work. But hey, nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?”

Unsurprisingly, McCuskey was rushed to the emergency room this morning, where he was treated by Dr. Joyce Campos.

“After we pumped his stomach, Mr. McCuskey explained he didn’t want to throw the eggs away just to use the packaging… but when we explained he could have donated the eggs to a local food bank, he started to code. Plus, all those eggs must have cost him nearly a thousand dollars. He could’ve gotten a whole wall’s worth of real soundproofing foam for like, $50. Seriously, I just looked it up on Amazon,” explained Dr. Campos. “In hindsight, saving his life sort of felt like a waste. The eggs may not have gotten him this time, but Mr. McCuskey is clearly destined to kill himself in some other idiotic way.”

Leading to his hospitalization, McCuskey had only been out of jail for two weeks, following six months of “hazing” in Passaic County jail after his bandmates forced him to take the rap for a drug trafficking crime committed by their drummer.

New Study Finds Crows Really Wish They Could Play Video Games

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

DOWNERS GROVE, Ill. — A study by scientists at Midwestern University has revealed that not only are crows capable of sensory consciousness, but that they are also the only member of the animal kingdom that longs to play video games. 

“We’ve discovered that crows’ intellect and consciousness are far beyond what we’d previously thought,” said Lydia Seymour, the physiologist in charge of the recent study. “And that when a majority of crows witness someone playing a video game, they display signs of what is largely agreed upon in the avian community to be jealousy. In other words, these bastards would love to get their little claws on a video game controller, and we think they have just enough mental capacities to be aware that this will never, ever happen.” 

The discovery was made after a series of experiments designed to test how crows would respond to several types of visual stimuli.

“It was pretty simple really,” said biopsychologist Bryce Reeves, who also participated in the study.  “We’d take a crow and show it two screens, one with a video game, and one with a film or TV show. Every single time, the bird would gesture towards the game, indicating that it was the preferred one. Over several months, we were able to use this choosing process to determine that crows prefer looter shooters and strategy games, and can definitely tell the difference between 60fps and 30. That is if they could play them, of course, which they absolutely cannot.”

When asked what would be done with this information, Seymour and Reeves confirmed that work had begun on tiny portable consoles that could hopefully be operated by a crow. Until the technology is available, scientists have urged the public to remember that when a crow squawks they are most likely pleading with you to describe to them your most recent gaming experience.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Opinion: It Is Literally Impossible for Me to Be the Impostor

Posted on by Seth Finkelstein

Okay, first off, I don’t even know why we’re having this Emergency Meeting. Don’t get me wrong, Yellow’s death is a tragedy, and we’re all going to miss the way that she swiped keycards and reconnected wires. But we’ve got an Impostor on board! We can’t waste time sitting around pointing fingers, least of all at me, because it’s literally impossible for me to be the Impostor.

I mean, sure. I was the one who found Yellow’s body. And sure, it was right after the lights mysteriously shut off. And sure, after our last Emergency Meeting, I just stood around waiting for everyone to leave. But does that make me an Impostor? I think it makes me a good friend who watches their friends’ backs and honors the dead, unlike some of the suspicious people around here.

Yeah, I’m talking to you, Red. You’re so sure that you were in Communications. I don’t even know where that is! There’s probably not even a vent in there. And trust me, I’d know! Cause I’m not the Impostor, which means I need to know every location an Impostor would hide. 

And what about you, Blue? Mr. “I completed my tasks.” What are you doing with all your spare time, huh? I’ve been following him around relentlessly from room to room, and let me say that he’s acting mighty sus. It could totally be him, or any of you, really. Not me though.

What tasks do I have? I’ll get to that in just a moment.

Now, what do you say we vote not to eject anyone, and continue about our day. It’s the logical thing to do. Cool? Okay, great. We’re basically out of time anyway now that I’m done talking.

While we’re here, I do just want to say if the oxygen for some reason cuts off, I’ll handle turning it back on. Trust me, I’ve got it all under control.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Kamala Harris Turns Off Debate Cam

Posted on by Nick Ortolani

SALT LAKE CITY — Vice Presidential hopeful and former California Attorney General Kamala Harris switched off the debate camera Wednesday night, obscuring crucial footage of the event.

“Most of the incident was captured,” Harris clarified in a totally not rehearsed statement. “While engaging with the individual in question — Vice President Mike Pence — a scuffle ensued, and the camera deactivated.”

“Did I get that right?” she added. “Sorry, I had to have a former LAPD chief coach me through my statement. This will all be detailed in my report, and I’m confident the American people will find I acted with the necessary amount of force.”

Harris’s conservative critics suddenly displayed a keen interest in police accountability and active bodycams after the debate.

“We simply cannot allow our politicians to act with the same impunity as our police,” lamented a wet-mouthed Tucker Carlson. “It damages our trust in these civic actors to see them simply discard evidence without first planting it on a minority suspect. Radical leftist groups like Black Lives Matter and the Wall Street Journal have advocated for police reform, but what about police reform for those who are no longer cops? Or never were cops? How can we expect to have police reform if we dont reform everyone else first? This is about the integrity of the law. To ensure its proper execution, we need to hold our politicians to the same standard of conduct as the rest of us, as long as they’re women.”

For now, the public only has conflicting eyewitness accounts of the debate.

“You can’t really trust any official source,” claimed Patrick Monhegan, editor of the Blue Anon conspiracy theory magazine. “Some people say Harris was mild-mannered and collected; others report she opened a portal to Hell after grinding up and smoking her birth control. Personally, I get most of my news from police scanners and goat entrails, and I’m currently waiting on the official police account. If it confirms the police narrative while disregarding the accounts of witnesses, omitting large sections of information, and contradicting the circumstantial evidence, then I know I can believe it.”

Meanwhile, law enforcement officials are unsure how to attack and agitate the gathering conservative protestors — a group mostly consisting of officials’ families.