Opinion: We Must Redistribute the Banana Wealth in This Donkey Kong Country
Fellow citizens, let me ask you a question: how many bananas do you have in your possession right now? Do…
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Seth Finkelstein
9 stories found
Professor Byleth Struggles to Teach Wyvern Riding Class Remotely
GARREG MACH — Officers Academy professor Byleth expressed frustration today at the continued restrictions on in-person instruction for their Wyvern…
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Tony Stark Announces Plan to Reverse Climate Change with Big Honkin’ Laser
NEW YORK — Billionaire industrialist Tony Stark announced a proposal today that would solve the ongoing climate crisis by shooting…
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Opinion: It Is Literally Impossible for Me to Be the Impostor
Okay, first off, I don’t even know why we’re having this Emergency Meeting. Don’t get me wrong, Yellow’s death is…
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Quarantined Clock Town Resident Can’t Remember If It’s Day 1 or Day 3
CLOCK TOWN, Termina — Clock Town resident and Stock Pot Inn owner Anju, 17, reported confusion today after struggling to…
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Bullshit Photoshop Class Doesn’t Even Tell You How to Give Mario a Gun
AUSTIN, Texas — Local graphic design student Rachel Valdez expressed frustration this week after realizing her Intro to Photoshop class…
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Gamer Dad Gives Up 20-25 Hours Into Forging Connection With Son
SALEM, N.H. — Local gamer father Jack Ruebens has announced he will stop attempting to forge a relationship with his…
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Bernie Sanders’ Policies Would Take Away Americans’ Choice to Lower This Bridge for 200 Gems
In our political climate, there is no lack of problems to be solved. Climate change, student loan debt, trade disputes.…
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Get It Together: Can You Remember What Case You Left Melee in Before Your Sleepover Devolves Into Chaos?
It’s Friday, and you know what that means: the boys are coming over for a sleepover! Mom just tidied up…
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