Scientists Now Believe British Proto-Metal Bands May Have Made Fires, Used Basic Tools

Posted on by Ted Pillow

LONDON — Researchers at the London Institute of Hard Rock released new scientific findings today that suggest some British proto-metal bands were capable of starting fires and using basic tools.

“These results are absolutely stunning,” said noted anthropologist Dr. Terrence Wallenthorpe. “The nomadic tribes known as ‘proto-metal bands’ displayed far more capability than we ever realized — in fact, our latest excavations reveal they even started fires inside of the dank, cramped motel rooms in which they took shelter. Additionally, the walls of these rooms display remnants of crude drawings, which indicate that the bands were likely not refunded their security deposit. Also, these guys really loved pentagrams and boobs.”

Surviving members of England’s nearly extinct proto-metal era shed more light on the findings.

“Of course we started fires, mate,” explained Peter “Knobby” Dendrige, guitarist for British proto-metal band Wicked Incantation. “We weren’t Neanderthals, you know? I wish I could tell these scientists what it was like on the road with Sabbath in ’71, but my memory’s shot. Also, I got kicked off the tour in the first week because I tried to kill Bill Ward by pushing a really big rock on top of him. Little bastard thought he was special just cuz he had opposable thumbs. That’s fucking cheating, ya dodgy prick!”

Indeed, evidence found at a recent archaeological dig in Birmingham proves that some proto-metal musicians were far more advanced than once thought.

“These bands displayed incredible technical command of instruments such as guitars and drums,” explained Dr. Janice Hemswood, professor of archaeology at the University of Oxford. “But it’s been thought they were otherwise unable to master even the most rudimentary tools. However, unearthed tour footage shows proto-metal musicians regularly used bottle openers, Zippo lighters, and even switchblades. Less advanced members may not have been able to live on their own in the wild, but were generally able to operate a bass guitar.”

Leading scientists in the field are also studying a recently discovered live recording of “Led Zeppelin II” for signs of human language.

Kavanaugh Declares Next Supreme Court Justice Is Whoever Butt-Chugs This Handle of Jäger First

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

WASHINGTON — Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh tried to create a new judicial nomination process yesterday, in which Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s successor will be whoever ingests a full handle of Jägermeister first via their anus.

“This is one of the most important Supreme Court appointments in all of American history, so we need to make sure we’re getting the right person,” Kavanaugh stated while performing endurance tests on various funnels. “This was so huge, I even brought my buddy Squee to help come up with this new procedure. Look, all the candidates crushed law school and were on the bench for a million years — they’re all so qualified. How can you even decide anymore? If you can butt-chug a handle of Jäger, then we know you’re the real deal.”

Many potential nominees appreciated the innovation.

“I think it’s smart to really take our political leanings out of the balance,” commented potential nominee Melissa Murray. “Left and right leanings are so divisive; it almost seems the fairest to use a non-partisan method of choosing. Funneling liquor through my sphincter is not ideal — especially with how goopy and syrupy Jäger in particular is — but for the opportunity to fight for civil liberties and retain Roe v. Wade? Worth it, even if it’s been chilled.”

CEO Jeff Popkin was thrilled Jägermeister was included in such an historic moment.

“This nomination will affect global power structures and the course of history so profoundly, there’s only one licorice-flavored alcohol that can do the job,” Popkin said while reviewing designs for Jägermeister-branded justice robes and an RBG-tribute beer pong table. “Not thrilled with the butt-chugging element, as Jäger’s consistency is not conducive to it, so it’ll leak right back out… and also, it’s super dangerous. But, hey — this is an exciting moment for our brand. Let’s see Sambuca affect the course of human history.”

Justice Neil Gorsuch wrote the majority opinion in support.

“You want your political leaders to share your views and work for your interests, but it’s so performative, you’re better off finding someone with whom you wouldn’t mind shotgunning 20 Natty Lights or playing Edward 40-Hands,” said Gorsuch. “Remember, this appointment is forever, so we gotta make sure they’re not a pussy.”

5 Plausible Theories for Why That Other Guy in ZZ Top Doesn’t Just Grow a Beard Already

Posted on by Bobby Korec

ZZ Top are well known for their slew of hits that my uncle listens to when checking out Harley Davidson prices online despite not having a motorcycle or even a driver’s license, as well as two of three of their members brandishing some of the most unkempt beards in rock history.

But if you Google image this band like I do whenever I want to be reminded why not to grow a beard you’ll notice that there’s this third guy in the group who has never had a beard himself. Ever. This man is none other than their curiously named drummer, Frank Beard. But why though?

Here are five legitimate theories for why this guy has never gone all-in with facial hair.

He’s More of a Mustache Guy
There are literally no photos in existence where he doesn’t flaunt a 70s porn star’s assistant mustache. Believe us, we checked out all six photos of him online. And while those other two guys clearly want ZZ Top to be “that bearded band,” Frank still has hope to be known as “that one guy with a mustache band.”

He’s Not About to Hide That Masculine Jawline
Brad Pitt, Jon Hamm, ZZ Top drummer. What do they all have in common? Those incredibly manly jawlines of course. There’s no way in hell you cover up a chiseled lower half of your face with a dumbass beard, and this is why Frank remains the clear heartthrob of the group.

He Likes Spaghetti Way Too Much
There’s just no way the band’s heavily bearded ones have ever properly enjoyed stuffing their faces with a heaping plate of pasta slathered with sauce and meatballs without obvious facial hair repercussions afterward. Frank has clearly taken note and remains loyal to his weekly pasta night.

He Needs to Look Professional for Job Interviews
Frank still has it in his head that this ZZ Top thing won’t last, despite those fat royalties still rolling in from their Back to the Future III appearance. This is why Frank is active on LinkedIn and ready to be head hunted by a mid-level marketing manager at a moment’s notice.

He Doesn’t Want It To Affect His Craft
It’s common knowledge that a beard hinders your performance on drums. Look no further than Dave Grohl. When he was the drummer for Nirvana his face was clean as hell. Foo Fighters singer and guitarist though? BEARD. One can only conclude that beards and drums simply don’t mix.

All of Guitarist’s Furniture Made of Various Configurations of Amps

Posted on by John Dixon

BROCKTON, Mass. — Local guitarist Brett Rich furnished his new apartment with nothing more than a variety of amps and other musical equipment he had lying around anyway, uncomfortable sources over to watch Netflix confirmed.

“Both furniture and amps are crazy expensive, so when it came down to buying a full, diverse rig or some stupid couch I won’t even use half the time, it was an easy decision,” Rich said from atop a small throne of mismatched Oranges and Marshalls. “Plus, as you can see, amps can be just as comfortable as anything you might see at Jordan’s Furniture — all you need to do is align them just right and make sure none of the knobs are sticking into your back.”

Rich’s partner, Benji Garska, disagreed.

“Literally every single piece of furniture is uncomfortable in a new and exciting way… especially the bed, with how all the handles and raised corners hit every last pressure point in my body at the same time,” said Garska while sitting on the floor. “You know Brett actually had furniture when all this started, and threw it all away to make room for more amps because he wanted to start a doom metal band? I wish I had at least kept a futon, or some pillows. Anything.”

“He claims it’s gonna ‘prepare him for the discomforts of tour life,’ but that’s bullshit if I’ve ever heard it,” added Garska. “Nobody cares about doom metal.”

Lana Fredricks, an interior designer specializing in amplifier furniture, advised Rich as he designed his new living arrangements.

“A lot of musicians make this change — it’s sort of a natural progression as they start turning into massive gearheads,” Fredricks said. “Recently I helped someone construct an entire tiny house from amplifiers. But when a neighborhood prankster plugged in a couple of the amps, the feedback was so loud that two of the neighbors have permanent hearing loss. Nobody has seen a bird in the neighborhood for weeks.”

At press time, Rich was seen discarding a vintage tube amp that was previously serving as a table until he ruined it by spilling a drink on it, claiming he had no use for a busted amp.

REPORT: Nobody in Group Chat Touching That One

Posted on by Andy Holt

NEW YORK — Members of a local group chat insisted that they wouldn’t be going anywhere near that comment, preferring to let things die down and change the subject later on, maybe in the morning.

“We’ve been down this road before,” said Hannah Peters about the text from her college friend Dave Thompson. “Last year Dave said Deadwood was the best show of the century so far, and when I texted back that I liked The Leftovers better, everybody got into a five-hour argument that ended up with Dave saying he was ashamed to be our friend.”

When asked for details about the text in question, everyone in the chat refused to answer.

“Is this a trap? I bet Dave sent you. No way I’m falling for that one,” said longtime group chat member Billy Pryor, who met Dave through a friend of a friend and doesn’t love his vibe. “First I tell you what I think about his text, then Dave gets wind of it, and all of a sudden I have 60 unread messages and he’s subtweeting me. Leave me alone. I barely know this guy.”

Social psychologists claimed Thompson’s behavior was typical among insecure people.

“There’s a certain type of person who needs constant attention to feel valuable, but they’re scared they aren’t interesting enough for anyone to care about them, so they have to purposely irritate everyone in the group chat just to get a reaction,” said Dr. Irene Witten of New York University. “That’s why their takes are always total dogshit.”

UPDATE: Later comments from Dave indicated that he had already read this article, screenshotted it, and was “getting ready to dunk on those losers” any minute now.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

All Cops Are Bastards Even If They Can Collect All Five COMBO Letters While Scoring 12,376,400 Points

Posted on by Jimmy Beliakoff

Alright, listen up. I’ve heard of you bootlicking posers that have been asking if this or that person is excused from the rule that all cops are bastards. Just so everyone will shut up, I’m going to make this abundantly clear: All cops are bastards, no excuses. Not even if they can collect the five COMBO letters while using their special meter to score 12,376,400 points.

When we say all cops, yes, that means even Officer Dick. Even if you recorded a clip where he did a sick vert and then landed right into a 50-50 grind on the helicopter’s blades. First of all, that sounds sick as fuck and if anybody else actually did that they would be cool as shit, but it can’t make up for the fact that we need to totally defund the police, no matter how long and dangerous those helicopter blades are.

Rodney Mullen performing skate magic with his deck on concrete barriers and flatground is dope. Officer Dick doing the exact same thing is propaganda for state-sponsored violence and racism. Plain and simple.

And I know what you’re saying: what if Officer Dick found all the SKATE letters and the secret video tape? Honestly, I can’t think of anything more typical of a narc than stealing private property from citizens who are just exercising their right to kickflip peacefully in an abandoned airplane hangar. It makes me sick.

Honestly, the worst part is that he looks like Jack Black. Do you know how painful it is for me to call Jack Black a bastard? This is as hard for me as it is for you.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

We Figured Out What Cocteau Twins Were Saying but It’s Too Late, the Prophecy Is Already in Motion

Posted on by Kyle Sekaquaptewa

Oh no. Oh fuck. It’s really happening, isn’t it? The Cocteau Twins tried to warn us all along, but we were too foolish, and now it’s far too late. Ever since we translated their nonsense language into English, all of the insane bullshit that’s been happening lately finally makes sense. They tried to warn us and we didn’t listen. God, how could we be so blind?

It all seemed so innocent, those dreamy pop vocals and catchy hooks, we didn’t even question why they mostly sang in gibberish. How could we have known that ‘Cherry-coloured Funk’ was warning us against the geopolitical climate that led to 9/11? The whole thing was laid out step by step for us. They named Bin-Laden personally for Christ’s sake!

How were we supposed to know that in the second verse (I think it’s a new verse? God these songs are fucking weird.) of ‘Fifty-Fifty Clown’, the line “Flave bleu forneau nuveau depardieu noir” was really saying, “Keep an eye on the housing bubble in 2008, the bottom is gonna drop out and a lot of people are gonna get fucked, don’t let the bastards get away with it.” That’s exactly what happened, but we didn’t listen, and we didn’t learn.

And did you think the rise of Trump and the alt-right just happened on its own? Not a chance. ‘Heaven or Las Vegas’ lays out the timeline like a fucking roadmap, decades before it happened. We had the playbook right in front of our faces, but we still let it go down because we were too wrapped up in those reverb-soaked pop sensibilities and lush, indecipherable vocals. And now it might be too late to stop what happens next.

Now that Trump has COVID (‘Fotzepolitic’ called that one), the final pieces of The Cocteau Twins’ prophecy are falling into place. They gave us plenty of warnings, but in our time of need, they’ve all but disappeared, leaving us with just one question on our minds: Can we get a reunion tour or an EP or something? Fuck man, we need answers quickly!

Biden-Harris Campaign Promises to Fund More Black-Owned Prisons

Posted on by Meg Indurti

WASHINGTON — The Biden-Harris presidential campaign website was updated this morning with a promise to fund more Black-owned prisons, in response to protests calling for prison abolition.

“Representation matters, now more than ever. It’s not enough to just say ‘Black Lives Matter’ — we have to show it,” said campaign spokesperson Janet Perry, offering a pamphlet for the campaign’s Racial Equality Task Force. “That means hiring more BIPOC people to lead all the private prisons currently operating in this country. Black men account for 34% of the prison population, but less than 1% of those prisons are owned and operated by Black entrepreneurs. Joe Biden and Kamala Harris are dedicated to changing that.”

Biden made one of his trademark calls for unity to quell the concerns skeptics have of his new plan.

“It’s more than the representation at the top. We’re also going to increase diversity in prison guards, probation officers, correctional officers, and wardens. We are committed to building a prison staff that reflects America,” said Biden. “The African American community has long been excluded from ‘the table.’ And that is wrong. It shouldn’t only be white people who are profiting off of prison labor; I don’t want prison ownership to be reserved for people who grew up in affluent suburbs. I want inner city boys and girls to achieve their dreams of housing inmates in poor conditions while collecting government money. That’s the American dream.”

Harris echoed Biden’s commitment, reflecting on her dozen years as a career prosecutor and top law enforcement official in California.

“I have long seen the incredible Black women I know from Howard, the brave Indian aunties and cousins I grew up with, all get passed over by less capable men,” said Harris. “As it stands now, there are almost no prisons owned by women of color. Black women have been historically shut out from profiting off of the school-to-prison pipeline, from leadership positions at ICE, and from the boards of the companies capitalizing from private prisons. But we are just as deserving of those opportunities as men. Let me tell you, it’s a lot harder to make a dosa than make a decision to convict someone.”

In related news, President Trump is trying to appeal to his base by promising to convert the entire city of Chicago into one giant prison with daily death matches.

Why Do I Keep Matching on Tinder With the Hitchhiker I Hit With My Car Years Ago?

Posted on by Nariko Ott

Okay, this is going to sound bad or whatever but like, 2 years ago I was driving through rural Oregon and blah blah blah, I hit a guy with my car. And now he keeps matching with me on Tinder! I know it’s him because he’s still wearing the same dumb, hard to see, yellow rain slicker he was wearing the night I hit him. It’s like, do you even have any other clothes?!

Okay, before you judge, It was raining super hard. I couldn’t see anything, the curvy roads made it almost impossible to text and he was just standing on the shoulder of the road with his thumb out like an idiot!

Anyways, I grazed him slightly with the front middle of my Xterra and also the back wheels–it was really scary for me! I’m sure he was fine. I mean, I totally would’ve gotten out to check but it was raining really hard, you guys! I mean, did I have to leave my house on a stormy night to get Taco Bell? Uhhhhhh, YES! They were getting rid of the Quesarito! So anyway, it was very traumatic for me and honestly I’ve been trying not to think about it for my own self care.

Now on Tinder lately no matter how many times I swipe left on him he just won’t stop showing up in my feed! He must be a Russian bot, or obsessed with me or something. Also, who holds a giant hook in their picture? I mean, put a fish on it like every other dumbass guy. Just a gross wet shadow with a hook in the dark. What girl is that even supposed to attract? Get a ring light, moron!

I know he’s obsessed with me because his whole profile is like “I know what you did, Julie” and “I’m coming to get you”, and “You killed me, Julie” ummm take a hint, dumbass: NOT INTERESTED!

Or… at least I wasn’t. Okay, here me out. I gotta say I admire his persistence. (I like being pursued!) And c’mon who doesn’t like a mysterious guy? Also, his messages to me have been kinda hot. Like he’s just right out the gate with stuff like, “I’m gonna tear you up” and “Let me in your guts.” Sexy AND confident!? What?
Also his location is listed as “less than a mile away” so it would be nice to just walk home from a date instead of getting an Uber since he messed up my truck!  Our first date is tonight–on the anniversary of the accident!–which is such a crazy coincidence. Anyways, wish me luck, you guys! xoxoxoxox

Vegan Ex Only Condones Cruelty Towards Women

Posted on by Dom Turek

LOS ANGELES — A local man who made the switch to a vegan diet 15 years ago has yet to incorporate the same cruelty-free practices into his dating life, exhausted women close to the source confirmed.

“Treating another living organism with dignity and respect was a no-brainer,” said vegan Kaleb Abbott, who currently has two restraining orders filed against him from ex-girlfriends. “Did you know that 31 million ducks are killed each year to make foie gras? Or that your ‘cruelty-free’ coconut milk comes from forced monkey labor in Thailand? Must be easy to sleep at night when you live in the dark.”

Abbott’s most recent ex-girlfriend wished he’d shown the same care and compassion for their brief relationship as he did for unfertilized chicken eggs.

“It’s hard to believe that the same guy who organized a Vampire Bats Against Vivisection protest also slashed my tires and threatened to blackmail me with my own nudes after I dumped him,” said ex-girlfriend Colleen Bender. “I thought Kaleb would be different from other guys I’ve dated, but he ended up cheating on me and stealing my debit card to buy Oreos and beer just like the rest. Looks like I’m changing my pin number again.”

Although animal activists boast that switching to a vegan diet lowers the risk of diabetes, heart disease, and even depression, there is no known correlation between going vegan and not treating your girlfriend like shit.

“Announcing you’re vegan just sounds cooler than announcing you treat women with respect,” said leading animal rights activist Matteo Patel. “At its core, activism is about promoting reform, but it’s also about promoting yourself and the curated image you’ve chosen to project upon the world. Obviously, women should be treated with the same respect as pigs and cows, but pigs are just so damn smart — they kind of steal the show. People say they’re smarter than dogs even.”

At press time, Abbott was spending just some of the thousands of dollars he owes his exes on spirulina powder and Earth Balance.