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Biden-Harris Campaign Promises to Fund More Black-Owned Prisons

WASHINGTON — The Biden-Harris presidential campaign website was updated this morning with a promise to fund more Black-owned prisons, in response to protests calling for prison abolition.

“Representation matters, now more than ever. It’s not enough to just say ‘Black Lives Matter’ — we have to show it,” said campaign spokesperson Janet Perry, offering a pamphlet for the campaign’s Racial Equality Task Force. “That means hiring more BIPOC people to lead all the private prisons currently operating in this country. Black men account for 34% of the prison population, but less than 1% of those prisons are owned and operated by Black entrepreneurs. Joe Biden and Kamala Harris are dedicated to changing that.”

Biden made one of his trademark calls for unity to quell the concerns skeptics have of his new plan.

“It’s more than the representation at the top. We’re also going to increase diversity in prison guards, probation officers, correctional officers, and wardens. We are committed to building a prison staff that reflects America,” said Biden. “The African American community has long been excluded from ‘the table.’ And that is wrong. It shouldn’t only be white people who are profiting off of prison labor; I don’t want prison ownership to be reserved for people who grew up in affluent suburbs. I want inner city boys and girls to achieve their dreams of housing inmates in poor conditions while collecting government money. That’s the American dream.”

Harris echoed Biden’s commitment, reflecting on her dozen years as a career prosecutor and top law enforcement official in California.

“I have long seen the incredible Black women I know from Howard, the brave Indian aunties and cousins I grew up with, all get passed over by less capable men,” said Harris. “As it stands now, there are almost no prisons owned by women of color. Black women have been historically shut out from profiting off of the school-to-prison pipeline, from leadership positions at ICE, and from the boards of the companies capitalizing from private prisons. But we are just as deserving of those opportunities as men. Let me tell you, it’s a lot harder to make a dosa than make a decision to convict someone.”

In related news, President Trump is trying to appeal to his base by promising to convert the entire city of Chicago into one giant prison with daily death matches.