LOS ANGELES — A local man who made the switch to a vegan diet 15 years ago has yet to incorporate the same cruelty-free practices into his dating life, exhausted women close to the source confirmed.
“Treating another living organism with dignity and respect was a no-brainer,” said vegan Kaleb Abbott, who currently has two restraining orders filed against him from ex-girlfriends. “Did you know that 31 million ducks are killed each year to make foie gras? Or that your ‘cruelty-free’ coconut milk comes from forced monkey labor in Thailand? Must be easy to sleep at night when you live in the dark.”
Abbott’s most recent ex-girlfriend wished he’d shown the same care and compassion for their brief relationship as he did for unfertilized chicken eggs.
“It’s hard to believe that the same guy who organized a Vampire Bats Against Vivisection protest also slashed my tires and threatened to blackmail me with my own nudes after I dumped him,” said ex-girlfriend Colleen Bender. “I thought Kaleb would be different from other guys I’ve dated, but he ended up cheating on me and stealing my debit card to buy Oreos and beer just like the rest. Looks like I’m changing my pin number again.”
Although animal activists boast that switching to a vegan diet lowers the risk of diabetes, heart disease, and even depression, there is no known correlation between going vegan and not treating your girlfriend like shit.
“Announcing you’re vegan just sounds cooler than announcing you treat women with respect,” said leading animal rights activist Matteo Patel. “At its core, activism is about promoting reform, but it’s also about promoting yourself and the curated image you’ve chosen to project upon the world. Obviously, women should be treated with the same respect as pigs and cows, but pigs are just so damn smart — they kind of steal the show. People say they’re smarter than dogs even.”
At press time, Abbott was spending just some of the thousands of dollars he owes his exes on spirulina powder and Earth Balance.