WASHINGTON — Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh tried to create a new judicial nomination process yesterday, in which Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s successor will be whoever ingests a full handle of Jägermeister first via their anus.
“This is one of the most important Supreme Court appointments in all of American history, so we need to make sure we’re getting the right person,” Kavanaugh stated while performing endurance tests on various funnels. “This was so huge, I even brought my buddy Squee to help come up with this new procedure. Look, all the candidates crushed law school and were on the bench for a million years — they’re all so qualified. How can you even decide anymore? If you can butt-chug a handle of Jäger, then we know you’re the real deal.”
Many potential nominees appreciated the innovation.
“I think it’s smart to really take our political leanings out of the balance,” commented potential nominee Melissa Murray. “Left and right leanings are so divisive; it almost seems the fairest to use a non-partisan method of choosing. Funneling liquor through my sphincter is not ideal — especially with how goopy and syrupy Jäger in particular is — but for the opportunity to fight for civil liberties and retain Roe v. Wade? Worth it, even if it’s been chilled.”
CEO Jeff Popkin was thrilled Jägermeister was included in such an historic moment.
“This nomination will affect global power structures and the course of history so profoundly, there’s only one licorice-flavored alcohol that can do the job,” Popkin said while reviewing designs for Jägermeister-branded justice robes and an RBG-tribute beer pong table. “Not thrilled with the butt-chugging element, as Jäger’s consistency is not conducive to it, so it’ll leak right back out… and also, it’s super dangerous. But, hey — this is an exciting moment for our brand. Let’s see Sambuca affect the course of human history.”
Justice Neil Gorsuch wrote the majority opinion in support.
“You want your political leaders to share your views and work for your interests, but it’s so performative, you’re better off finding someone with whom you wouldn’t mind shotgunning 20 Natty Lights or playing Edward 40-Hands,” said Gorsuch. “Remember, this appointment is forever, so we gotta make sure they’re not a pussy.”