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Opinion: I Drink Carrot Juice Now

Increased metabolism, stronger vision, boosted immune system (um, HELLO COVID), reduced cancer risk, lowered cholesterol, and strengthened brain function—these are just six of the endless benefits that come from adding carrot juice to your diet, according to Google and my nutritionist friend, Carla. This is why I drink carrot juice now, with almost every meal.

I drink carrot juice. This is me now. Okay? Okay.

Ever since I quit drinking six months ago, investing in my body and future self has been my replacement identity. Last week I went to the grocery store to get some apple cider vinegar tonic and oat milk, and there it was: a beautiful, frothy, orange liquid screaming at me to better my health. I’ve been a carrot head ever since.

It’s more than a dietary change. It’s an entire lifestyle bro.

I drink it daily. I feel more alert. I feel happier. It pairs with everything: avocado toast, quinoa tacos, and even tastes good in combination with my mint Juul pod (cigarette-free for two weeks now bro). I have a lot of sober friends who are always downing seltzer water for their beverage fixes, and I just don’t get it! It’s like: don’t you know those “natural flavors” could be all sorts of things that they aren’t telling you? Sorry, but when I’m drinking 100 percent carrot juice, I know it’s truly NATURAL. Plus it makes your pee look cool.


What I’m after is the carrot’s beta-carotene, one of the most powerful antioxidants. Have your laugh about carrots improving your eyesight immediately, like in the cartoons, but actually drinking carrot juice can help protect you against eye disorders, like macular degeneration, cataracts, and blindness. Now I’m not a doctor, but I am a spiritual healer.

I used to have coffee in the mornings, but caffeine is over; it’s terrible for you! Cheers to the proud carrot consumers out there; I SEE you!

So yeah, I drink carrot juice now. I live a carrot juice based lifestyle. I have carrot juice friends. We like to get together and talk about how people aren’t drinking enough carrot juice. I found my thing. This isn’t like the two weeks I spent eating acai or the two weeks I spent doing Bikram yoga or the two weeks I spent drinking celery juice, this is legit. I’m a carrot juice guy.

Ok, I’m bored now, who wants to teach me how to brew Kambucha?

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